Recently I have been posting very long blog posts, mostly due to the very deep subjects I been running through my mind in recent months. This blog post I been working on is no different, but has been put on hold due to a recent bout with a head cold that lasted a solid week and longer with the left overs of getting better, lol. So now, I decided to section off my blog draft into smaller posts. I feel for the sake of my readers, that it is best to keep posts shorter so no one will feel overwhelmed by such a large article, lol. Yes, I know, you all are welcome, I tend to get wordy on things and run on with typing on things that make little sense at times, but I feel I mean well on what I have to say. So now, on to the first part of my blog post. o:)
THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR
Oh
how we take things for granted in life at young ages. Even those who
are in their middle age, who never use skin care products, yet have that
17 year old looking skin, that pisses off everyone at their high school
reunions. Many do not know the value of the little things in life. Having
hair, ability to walk, can drive all day on a long trip, ....to speak,
these are a few of several things many take for granted they have in
their lives. How many girls out there really enjoy shopping for a bra?
Oh the choices!...: wire, non-wire, cross strap, wide strap, gel
strap, convertible, strapless, padded, ...shall I continue? .....sports
bra, nursing bra, ...and mastectomy bra. Does anyone know what
a mastectomy bra is? Mmhmm, those who don't most likely, yet
unknowingly, take it for granted they don't require such a bra. It is
purely an example of things taken for granted.
A CLOSER LOOK
Take
a look in the mirror, close enough to see your pores. If you are young,
you most likely won't see a single wrinkle. But some do see
every detail and flaw in their own face many or all others will never
even notice. Some of us can't ignore the scars we see, no matter how
obscure they are. Some of us have scars we wish we could hide, scars
that run deeper than the scar tissue itself, ...I know this type well.
It becomes a psychological issue that hampers progression in ..self
acceptance of this "new you" post illness, or any other reason you feel you are disfigured to yourself in the mirror. I must be honest with you, I
deal with this issue everyday since my battle with cancer turned for it's
worst. Even though now I am with an "all-clear" status, I can not help
seeing the obvious. The damages are permanent, scars a bit darkish, but
some creams do help with that, as does make-up, or an over-sized hoody sweatshirt when the weather permits, lol.
REFLECTION OF A SURVIVOR
I am working on my
issues, so no worry on my welfare just yet. This journey of healing I'm
on is still well underway! The girl in the mirror is pure perspective,
but maybe it is this girl I see as another person I met along the
way, someone I came to know, yet still feel inside that I am still
that girl I once was before. Sometimes that is just how it is for me,
without the multi-personality thing going on, lol. I see this girl in
the mirror, as the survivor, a fighter, a girl more resilient than I ever was before. She has this hard serious look when I see
this girl in the mirror, she has a familiar smile at times, and a lost yet very
understanding look in her eyes. What I notice in her eyes, deeper still, is her regret with what she sees, regret for not making the right choices before things became so bad. What I see when I look at her face, is me, now. I wish I could accept her to be the same
as I feel inside, this girl in me, the one who feels trapped from
simply going out without any care of how she looks. At times, it does become confusing to speak as if it is a completely different person, this image I see in the mirror, but it is only a perspective of how I feel of what I see. But again, do not
worry, it is work in progress towards acceptance.
NO ALARM! ...I AM OK, ...I THINK, LOL
I know many could simply
take on the wrong impression by my words to become concerned of my
psychological state. Am I ok? Am I stable? Am I a basket case, a
nutter? The answer is hard to justify either way, but perhaps because
the answer has been blurred to me, to myself. I can tell you, I AM
ok, I am as stable as I ever was, possibly more so now than before I
got sick. I am not a basket case, but I can be an "Easter basket case"
full of chocolate sweetness!, LOL. Ok, that was just way too cheesy,
lol. I am more of a nutter maybe, but a good nutter. I do my best to
be me, and be true to myself. I feel that is best. I would really think
it best if I had a really good exfoliation mask that peels off the mess
and leaves behind a fresh start with renewed skin, fully healthy, without scars,
just as it all was before. LOL. *Dreams* lol. :')
MEN IN WHITE COATS AND BUTTERFLY NETS.... STAND BY!
You know the funny thing to me now, is that I can think back to just a few years ago, and recall the time when I covered up my mirrors in the bathroom, so I would not see myself, would not see how messed up I got, the dark circled sunken eyes, the literally falling apart skin, the sores, discoloration of my skin and eyes. I had to hide myself from myself, so I would not give excuse to how I felt. I had to believe I was ok, somehow, and strive to get better, each day, just continue to try. It did get hard to keep going like that, but I owe my life greatly to my best friend Cindy for pulling me through that time, like many times she has done throughout my battle with cancer. I am better today on how I see myself, so don't think I am in need of a straight-jacket just yet, lol. I still have hope I can get to the place I need to be without having the "butterfly catchers" chasing me, at least not yet, lol.
Thank you for reading my crazy words of insane-wisdom. Much I write is also to help me get through some hurdles in life, and for others to find humor as I do between the struggles within the survival of life. I will have more on this mirror subject later on, but for now this is what I have complete since dealing with a head cold, which hampered my blog work a bit, lol. I may be good at multi-tasking, but I just can not sneeze, blow my nose every few minutes, cough up a lung and write, typing on my keyboard while having a headache trying to see text on my screen through watered up eyes, lol. If I added chewing gum, I would have experienced a mental overload, lol.
Bye for now and stay away from getting the cold!, trust me, lol
*hugs you all*
Jennifer Wolf o:)
This
blog has probably gone through more edits and more rewrites than any
other blog I wrote in the past and therefore has some odd areas with a lot I had to delete. Mainly due in part of how difficult
it is to think back into times I much rather forget, but never will.
Perhaps it is these times that has either molded me, or chiseled away
at me to be who I am today. The fact I am currently listening to the
very soothing music of Lindsey Sterling's "Crystallized"
and "Song of the Caged Bird" on repeat tells me enough of
how I feel going over this blog, adding to it, deleting parts,
rewriting, or rather retyping. Music calms me, no matter if its rock
music or classical, I love almost all genres, mostly because I love
the artistry in music, and I can see the beauty in musical
expression.
AM I THERE YET?
I been
working on this post since the end of Feb, and it sure can be a pain
to go back into my memories sometimes, because of either how
difficult it was then, or from the fog that lines my many memories
from what has happened in such times I try to clearly recall. I have
been looking mostly forward lately, and that's a good thing for all of
us to do, without forgetting where we came from of course. After all,
we all have a story of our journey to where we are now in life. Some
stories could fill the pages of a comedy novel, others a drama flick
on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). Some life stories could appear to come from a Stephen King
movie produced by Tim Burton, lol. Perhaps I may spare you of mine,
since it covers all those areas to be honest... there's a reason I
deleted those first blog posts mid way through my battle with cancer
and I think its for the best to just not relive it all.
I THINK I PONDERED A THOUGHT, ...OH, NEVER MIND
The
mind has such a complex way it thinks, how it processes
surroundings, input from our senses, records them into memory, and
then utilizes those memories to create dreams, involving the people
you had past experiences in life with, like family, friends and even
pets. Places we come to find our greatest smiles, and find our
greatest happiness with those we love and cherish. Cherish, a word
that, to me, indirectly describes just how we actually categorize,
affectionately, those close loving people in our lives, or objects of
sentiment, or even simply a certain moment in time we experienced. I cherished
many "times" in my life, that is for sure, along with those
whom I shared those times with. I even cherish those times that
brought great sadness to me in ways I can not begin to explain
right now, not directly anyways. I did type out a lot more here, but some
things just might be best left in the past. So much deleted here
actually, and it could have been far more than 5 pages on my Open
Office document draft file so far.
TALK ABOUT HEAVEN ON EARTH
In the
past, I used to go on long drives, to anywhere, but mostly found my
jeep faced north and headed to Mammoth Lakes, CA, a very beautiful
place, you just have to Google it to see for yourself. The Eastern
Sierras, Owens Valley, White Mountains are in truth, my heaven.
Yosemite is another place, as well as Sequoia/King's Canyon National
Parks that hold that same value to me, because they do the same for
me as the other places I just mentioned. These places make me feel
free, free to be me, free to breath, release, scream, cry, laugh, or
sit in total silence, without a single person passing me for days.
Yes, I said scream, I know most of you know I'm mute now, but I
wasn't always... I just feel a sting in my heart when I "say"
something that implies a voice. In the many times I traveled on such
drives to these places, most times I went alone or with my dog. I did
take my best friend Cindy several times, as well as been to all these
places with my brother long before I even had my license. Of course,
in the last 4 years I went with both Cindy and my brother too.
A MISSING POINT, YOU LOST YET? ...IF YOU FIND ME, PLEASE RETURN TO LOST BLOGS AND FOUND, TY!
So now
for a different way to approach certain memories, my past, my
experiences, in a very expressive way... one track of the mind,
communicating to another. Odd, I know, but
so is with life itself and how the mind sometimes recalls the times.
Again, at this point I chose to delete a ton and it was hard to do
so, but ultimately, it was what I felt was best and so instead, Ill
just go to the "Letter" part of this blog, which touched
some on what I chose to delete, lol. I had posted a version of this
letter in comment On Facebook, in response to videos that were posted
that were somewhat titled similar to what I will title this letter.
I watched this video, and it triggered a ton of thoughts I had locked
away for some time, and a rush of emotions hit me. The result is this
letter I was inspired to write to my 16 year old self, following these videos.....
DEAR SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ME
*Marked Urgent*
I truly
wish I could have a chat with 16 yr old me, I would have a very
serious letter to hand me. In the letter, I'd say...
"Dear
16 yr old me,
When Cindy tries to set you up with someone from her drafting
class, just say noooo thanks, trust me, he hangs out with a guy that
hits Cindy and he ends up dumping you just because you almost busted
his friend's nose. Always stretch properly EVERY SINGLE TIME before running
in track and cross country, a pulled hammy sucks! I know right now
you are struggling with what just happened a year ago in your life,
don't let it get to you so bad and deep. Dad did his best and so did
your brother and you know it. Don't live with fear from it, be
strong, the danger has passed and you will never go through that ever
again. Mom really don't hate you, its just her coping, but we know
it's still the wrong way. It wasn't your fault like she says, so keep
telling yourself that ok? Mom will realize that too and become a
friend again one day, so never give up.
On
the bright side, you will get to fulfill some dreams when your 18!
...Ya, I know, another two years! Grrr! ...but you will make it, just
be safe and never forget your jacket if you leave home in anger. Just
know, in two years, you will reach those heights you dreamed of all
these years hiking, you will finally reach the top of that peak you
gazed at from your bedroom window. You also move out and in with
Cindy during the summer when your 18, a tiny apartment, but hey,
finally!, Right? Consider going on a gluten-free diet, its really better for you. You will get the chance to really get to know your
brother's friends, even if you think they are all retarded right now,
they are a bunch of great guys, even if one is a perv, he behaves
himself, most of the time.
You will get a jeep finally too, a cherokee, and your brother will
help you build it up some, and it will be so awesome. Having the jeep
and tools he gets for you come in handy, you must learn to use
everything correctly. You will end up helping people along your
travels who truly need help, so listen to what your brother says to
you about everything he tells you, even his crazy stories, and learn.
Follow your gut feelings when the time comes for you to help, and
always be safer than sorry. And do read the whole green book your
brother gets for you, what you learn from it will save you and can
save others if you, again, listen to your gut feelings, trust me on
this. Oh, and back up your pictures you take, never just rely on one
hard drive, they go poof and its best to back up stuffs. You will
wish you had all your pictures later on.
Now this part will be very important, please read with an open mind
and don't be afraid of the truth. In the next couple years, your
dizzy spells will get worst, I remember we had one last year, after
what happened, but we ignored it, thinking it was just stress. You
really must go to the doctor for that, and keep going, never quit
out of frustration. I know you more than anyone, so I know you will
stop going anyway, since its nothing too serious at that moment. But,
later on, again still when your 18, things will start to feel
different, inside, you will get scared, this will be towards the end
of summer, it will drive you to travel, and again, you will think its
just stress. Do travel, and experience all you can, but do get
checked, I beg this of you. From the time you are 18, until you are
20, you will do a lot of long drives on weekends, and on these drives
you will do a lot of thinking, and pondering on your fears of what
the truth may be.
And now for that truth. At 22 you will be told you have liver cancer,
and that you may not see 23. Oh you will anyways, but, at great cost. You may not think its possible now, but you will be revived twice during separate operations. That is surgery, and ya, revived from going flat-lined. It is super scary to think about still. You end up with several scars, several locations they went in through. Most will be on your right side. You have a stent in your bile duct, and you end up regrowing a big part of your liver. Crazy huh? Don't be stubborn and beat that damn fear, and
just get checked before it gets so bad. You will survive, you are
stronger than you think, it just doesn't have to be such a difficult
battle, if only you just go get checked the moment you feel afraid of
something not right. Also, the moment you do choose to get checked,
go to St Mary's Hospital since it is the best hospital nearest you at
the time, and when you are given choices, choose whats best, instead
of whats closest, if you want to continue having a voice that works. And also, Loma Linda University Medical Center is the best!
All of this should not even happen if you just go in sooner than age
22, so I beg you, go in before your 20. Trust me, waiting is not the
right thing for you at all, it is the worst mistake I ever done,
because what you are looking at when you see me, is you in eleven
years after surviving that mistake of allowing your fears to stop
you from going into the hospital when you should have, it wont count
if you just sit in the hospital parking lot and then drive away. Do not allow
your fears to develop that phobia, just go in. Be stronger now, you
don't need to go through hell to be forged into the strong girl you
will become. Love deep, love strongly and live wisely. Be sure to
have your brother help Cindy take care of you. He will be around you anyway,
but just let him know things will be ok. He takes this hard, so have
faith in Cindy, because she has a gift of calm you never knew she
had. Take care of me for me, ok? ~Jenn o:) "
WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF IT WAS POSSIBLE?
I know
I can not turn back time with a letter, it just is not allowed within
our known physics of time itself. But what a beautiful dream to be
able to do. There is a reason I love stories and movies about time
travel, even before I became sick. I just have a new respect for time
now, and I do cherish every second I get in the now, every moment I
have to smile, to breath, to hear my own heart beat in the silence
of the night, to love every tomorrow I have hope for each today, and
am thankful everyday I awake.
I know
this post was a bit odd, but it is with the best expressive release
I felt comfortable posting. I want to keep moving forward and never
have anything hold me back from the past. If you made it this far,
I want to say, thank you for getting through this with me. I truly
appreciate all my readers.
Before I begin, I need to find a tiara.
*finds an old plastic head band and grabs some foil*
Yay!, now for my little speech...
*walks to the end of the stage and types into the SGD (speech generating device) keyboard beside the mic*
"I want to help end world hunger, and I truly would love to see a cure for world diseases in my lifetime. And I would also like to share a link to this e-book written by Kristin Ebey to those with first hand experience with Autism and other related brain disorders. Thank you all very much"
*accepts a bouquet of flowers as I throw a kiss to the crowd, and turns around to walk off-stage*
A girl can dream, can't I?! ...Ok, back to reality, lol... It would be nice if beauty queen stereotype-speeches would include more wishes of world disease/disorder cures too, and if I could be worthy of my little homemade tiara as well, LOL. Some examples of diseases off the top of my head that need cures are: Cancer, Diabetes, AutoImmune Disease, and brain disorders, such as Asperger’sSyndrome (Autism), ADD/ADHD, and even Bipolar and Schizophrenia. There are so many more health issues than I listed that are in need of a cure and if I had a magic genie lamp, I would be sure to spend my wishies wisely.
...Wise wishies, ...wishy wisdom. *giggles* ...I'm a nutter, I know, but a good nutter with a heart, so I hope you see that quality in me throughout my blog and journey. o:)
Choosing the best path
I know in this day and age, we tend to rely heavily on medical prescriptions that treat symptoms of diseases or even simple ailments, prescriptions that are artificially made and can contribute more symptoms themselves to add to the list of health problems over the initial problem/s. I know this vicious cycle well, but I now take much less meds than before and am getting better, slowly, but time will tell for me, I still have a long path to travel after all. I am thankful for making it through my journey, which did include un-natural treatments, meds, you name it, but also included alot of natural things. Natural things such as fruits, veggies, tea, herbal supplements, and a change to a much less-gluten diet. It is so hard to go full non-gluten on a tight budget, the shopping bill goes so high on that unfortunately.
Surviving unique risks
I just wish I could write a book outlining my advice of surviving liver cancer (if that was at all even possible) and on into my AIH (my case being far milder than most). It is just impossible to do such a thing for cancer such as mine as every cancer case is so different. What got me this far, were many moments of risky "ledge-walking" decisions, where nothing else mattered anymore and I was going down either way but if I did nothing, I would have never got back up out of the darkness that surrounded the choices I was faced with in such times. I took the risk, just as if I was on a climbing hike, and I just had to get past that steep narrow cliffy ledge section of trail to reach that peak top. It is just not for everyone, and my choices simply don't apply to the majority, or anyone for that matter, since there are no two cases the same in cancer, no matter what people say.
So now, what I want to share with you is an amazing e-book titled "A Natural Approach to reversing brain disorders-learning disabilities with Young Living", that contains a story that covers a journey that brings tears to my eyes, good tears, probably due to the fact that in my family, there have been issues with schizophrenia, bipolar, and many cases of brain disorders like dyslexia, along with cancer, and many other health issues like diabetes/hypoglycemia and HBP, and the ironic curse of old age for most in my family (can you believe that? we get to live to our 90s+ with this mess, if we survive it all, lol). Gotta love family genes that pass down that mess mixed in with a high chance at longevity, right?, lol.
learning, loving, accepting
On the subject of bipolar issues, I have done much reading to learn about psychology, just enough to understand how to cope, and to help those in my family the best I could in the last few years living at home, along with acceptance, love, and forgiveness, although my efforts were unsuccessful a lot of the time, I did try at least. I also learned to improve myself on many levels and, well, no matter how far I got, I have a ways to go for improvements, such as self acceptance post cancer. That is a work in progress, trust me when I say its not easy for me, but its progress. So brain disorders is something I have come to understand to some degree with family experiences and observations, and is why I come to this post, and this e-book that I feel can help so many people who are faced with their own difficult journey such as is covered in Kristin's e-book.
A wonderful tool of knowledge gained from experience.
This e-book has a wealth of information based on a journey of a loving
mother and her daughter overcoming obstacles of high function autism
without using drug medications. I myself have not read it, but one day
Ill be able too, but I know enough of this story to say, that I truly
recommend this e-book to anyone who's life has been touched by autism
within their circle of family and friends. Kristin Ebey (author of the e-book) is one of those moms
you see/hear/read about and you get those happy tears of how loved her
children are. Such hope I have for the newer generation of the world with moms
like her. If you know of anyone who may benefit from this e-book,
please pass on this link to them. Or gift it to them. o:)
My best friend Cindy had faith in my insane choices I made throughout my journey with cancer, even though she didn't agree with them, but knew I had to choose for myself, and she supported me through it all, even when things got scary, complicated and times got dark for us, she helped me make it. So loving determination and a will to live life, taking risks, and never giving up on goals, can result in the impossibilities everyone else doubt we can ever reach. I survived cancer, and have made goals that I am now reaching, advocating, reaching out, offering my support however I can, and smiling everyday. Kristin's daughter overcame her high function autism and is now living life, smiling, enjoying and reaching goals most never see with Autism. To me they are an amazing mother daughter team. I am so happy for their achievements. o:)
To recap on links, here is a list of linkies again, as given thru my blog above via hyperlinks:
Now I have heard mentions of "snake oils" in blogs, but I will say this in defense of this post subject. Before your mind throws up that flag screaming "snake oil", first focus on the results Kristin has had in helping her daughter. And she is not the only one, there are others who has had amazing results, based on posts and reviews I read on the sites involved with this natural treatment of brain disorders, and beyond. I truly have trust on this and in the message Kristin has in her reasons to publishing her e-book. I hope with all my heart this helps others as it has Kristin's daughter.
Be well everyone, and stay posted for my blog post that will be a bit on the deep side. It is a hard one to complete for me so bear with me.
*big hugs to you all*
Bye for now
~Jennifer C. Wolf o:)
Yes I am going to be relaying this year for sure. I had a lot go on last year and every chance I had "me" time I had barely enough to write my blogs and take my rest. Along with reading up on things I was going thru and getting tested for. As you may know by now if you are following my blogs, I finally was told all-clear after all the crazy testings and scans trying to confirm odd results that made no sense. So many times results are effected by other situations and may cause erratic results in tests.
My summarized story as I put on my team member profile page ...
Why I Participate in a Relay Event
As a
survivor (finally told "all clear for now" on October 30th, 2012), I can
easily, yet still emotionally, recall exactly how I felt when I was
given the approximate duration I had left to live, the shock of it, the
fear, the disbelief. In all honesty, I felt hopelessness from what I was
told, and I felt, if they "cant do anything else at this point", then
what can I do? I remember thinking, "how can this be, in this time and
age of technology? All that has been found on cancer, all that could be
done in our time and nothing can be done at this point?", yet I was
given a terminal diagnosis anyway.
This was back in the end of 2008, after having gone through two
emergency operations, and at a time I would start having further
complications from the first, leading to yet another emergency operation
when for the second time, I would have in my medical records of being
revived during surgery. Despite of saying nothing could be done, I was
still saved numerous times trying to live up my diagnosis. I am proof we
DO NOT have expiration dates when cancer enters our lives.
Who I'm Participating For
I'm relaying
for all touched by cancer and those who know someone who has. That is
you and I, and just about everyone else in between. I relay because
before I knew of how sick I had become back in August-September of '08,
people were relaying for life, raising money to help fund research and
improve the chances of the then future cancer fighters, like me.
I relay today, am alive today, because of all those who relayed
before me, made it possible for me to be saved in moments most would not
before the advances made thru research, which is greatly funded by
events as relay for life. It is a miracle to me I survived, I am the 4%
of 2%, I usually just say 2%, but my chance to hear that "all-clear" was
much less than 2%. Complicated, yes, but if you think of it, that's 4%
of 2%, so take 100 people, then choose only 2, then say to them only
4% of you two will survive this.
That is me, 4% of 2%. I'm here because of all those who relayed for
life, my life and the lives of many now saved ...Ill never finish
thanking God for all the wonderful people who cared to relay for life
before, during and now today with me. The way I see it now, Relay For
Life is a very great support for life I never knew I had until I came to
need it.
ACS
has invested in vital research for a cure, and in that search has found
numerous ways to improve life during the battle and increase survival
rates. They have advocated the importance of risk reduction and early
detection. ACS also provides free information and services for those who
are in need throughout their battle with cancer.
The amount of research advances made due in great part from the
investments ACS has made from funds raised from donations, especially
through relay for life events, have made leaps and bounds to gain more
technology, more advanced procedures that were considered far too risky
before, or were simply just unknown before. ACS works with lawmakers to
get laws passed to fight cancer risks. Through invested research, risks
are found and can be targeted for elimination and knowledge found and
shared to all so risks can be lowered before getting cancer by lifestyle
changes involving better diet and exercise.
We have great finds today, due to the research that benefits from
relay for life events. Many advances in healthcare today exists because
people came together, had events called Relay For Life, and raised money
to fund further research, to search for the holy grail cure for the
worldwide fight against this disease called cancer. And I for one am
thankful for all ACS has done so far with all my heart.
Life sure can be a funny crazy thing, but so worth the fight
My
own battle was far from conventional, but the main events in my fight,
battled in the hospital, were followed with my eventual return home,
because of the amazing doctors and technology we now have. I am fully
thankful to ALL those who relayed before me, who relayed in the name of
those in their own battle, and of those lost in the past, and because of
such events to raise funds for cancer research, those with the same
type of cancer today are now being saved with a much higher rate of
survival.
I thank you all who have relayed with me while I battled my own fight
during a time I had already become a survivor of my own expiration date
given to me by the first doctors. During a time I was very slowly
becoming a thriver, with cancer, regaining strength in health to be able
to chance the harsher medications combined with the other mess of meds
that were keeping me "maintained" in the diagnosis' progress thought at
first to end my life, yet thankfully, the cancer shrank in the places
left after surgery removed the removable, along with lymph nodes and a
liver lobe, which thankfully can regenerate and has.
There has been casualties in my battle, and what you are reading now
is now my only voice. I am left mute from a severed nerve during a tumor
extraction from my larynx. But as many would tell me, I have been
louder now than I ever was before.
It's unbelievable, perhaps it was all a nightmare. Did I really hear him say "all clear"? Am I
still dreaming in a hospital bed? If so, please don't wake me. SERIOUSLY!
OMG, how crazy this all sounds even to me, and yet
this is just pieces of the whole story which I have a hard time
believing myself, but I did live it, and I am happy to be able to relay
for life. I still have a long way to go to regain health back to where I
left off, but I am constantly improving my condition after I came so
close many times through the battle and left with a mess of "me". But
this "me" now is stronger, resilient, experienced in all the aspects of
the darkest hours of the battle and now someone who understands the
importance of advocacy, importance of living life to the fullest and to
continue to relay for life for the rest of the time I am thankful to
have gifted each day I awake.
Also never forget to be informed on everything involving your cancer diagnosis. Its best to know everything you possibly can so that you can make educated choices for your treatments and how you can tackle down your cancer no matter what your diagnosis turns out to be. Never forget, we never wear an expiration tag!
Visit "Is My Cancer Different?" for a great start to learning how to find out more information on cancer of a loved one or of yourself.
The subject title of this post is just a play on words of how times can feel literally, and then on a moment of clarity, you realize, "its already February"! I know its been since the last few minutes of 2012 I last posted, and in that time its been a bit interesting for me to say the least. To start, I had some hospital time with yet another operation. This time not having to do with cancer, but a cyst. I cant recall the technical term they used but it was considered a simple cyst, that grew fast and caused issues. All in all, I am better now and feel no pain anymore and that is a good thing.
The flu season, grrr!
About four days into being home from the hospital I started feeling a bit sick in a way I have not felt in a long time, thankfully. My neck felt cramped, I felt a bit dizzy each time I would get up more than usual, my temp went up, and then I was officially sick with the flu. How does someone like me get sick when I'm on so many vitamins and eating so healthy? Answer: I got it in the hospital most likely. Apparently the body's immune system takes a bit of a hit during surgery so I'm guessing I was not well armed against the bug, and I got sick, really sick, bad bad sick, but not overnight at the hospital sick, just a half day on IV and another temporary med to add to my collection of pill intake.
It took literally a month to get over this for me, due from the lingering left overs that caused bad headaches, on top of the prednisone-caused headaches and just pure blahness. On top of dealing with a bad flu, I am nowhere near recovered from my battle with cancer, and am still treating my AIH, which by the way is coming along well with the prednisone, despite my misery of the side effects which for me include bad headaches that originate behind my eyes, itchiness on my arms, some dizziness getting up or slight difficulty doing so, and thankfully not a lot of "bad" weight gain, although I could use some weight gain after losing so much early on in my battle with cancer. Regaining has been hard for me and my diet makes that hard to do as well, especially how I must eat 5-6 meals a day, small meals.
Anyhoo, I am feeling better lately and getting back to my pred-mess self instead of pred-flu-mess self that couldn't read for 5 minutes without a migraine, let alone write (err, type, lol) and post as I do. So, for now, I'm getting back to my online self again.
Relay For Life of Second Life
Well its time to start relaying ppls! Yes this year I have joined a team and I am going to do my best not to miss the event this year. Last year had a mess for me going on with tests and everything that lead to me hearing my doc finally say "all-clear" a few months later. Going in to retest, rescan to clarify previous blood tests a month prior, then going on my camping trip, and returning to odd results, to require more tests, requiring my small local camp trip to help my nerves calm since we were stressed pass a point of popping with our anxiety filling our home enough to fill a neighborhood, to end greatly with all-clear. :)
I will post up a separate post for the Relay For Life info so if anyone would consider to join and or donate to our efforts to raise money for American Cancer Society at the Relay For Life of Second Life I will have links there to all needed info.
To all still reading my blog/posts/tweets/etc, thank you for sticking around. I done my best to fix any areas of this blog that lost track or made no sense, but I am trying to work through the mind fog I been in since mid Jan. It is funny to reread something I wrote and get lost on what I was talking about myself.
Well, another year ends, and with it a ton of other endings too, like the end of the "end of the world" stuffs, and the end of alot of worry for those who really were not sure what to believe anymore. For me, it was a year of regain, regaining alot of what I lost, and regain more health. It was a year to finally hear "all-clear" from my doctors, a year to find out I am cancer free. It also is a year of confusion of what all I had as a whole, how it all fits together, and if it all was related or a harsh cruel coincidence of health issues. Either way, Im taking back my life and running with it. I am calling the shots and looking forward to more happy days filled with laughter and smiles.
I hope the best for all of you this coming year, and may it bring you all good health, more love and hope, and faith in "self" to keep going. I hope this year finds you all surrounded by friends and family and all the support from near and far to help you live out your life in full and with great success in goals and wishes. If 2012 was a doomsday year, then let 2013 be the year for success in health, prosperity, renewal, love, friendship, answered questions of health with cures, another birthday and the optimism to continue seeing more.
May all your goals and dreams come true this new year and may all the cures be found for all illnesses soon. 2012 had many great finds for cancer research, and I hope 2013 continues that pattern and I hope they get those findings in use soon to save more lives NOW. Make this new year a year you all ask more questions for yourself or loved ones living with cancer. Some questions can save lives, and it could be your own it saves if the answer is your doctor saying "lets order up a test to check something". That test could find a new protocol to treatment that can result with that one day when your doctor tells you that you are cancer free. I hope those of you living with cancer now get told that this new year.
I know its politics that force the hold on such findings for years until they are "accepted" for use, but I suggest for an option program, done using waivers of full liability for some things that can help someone today. I'm not a politically outspoken type, in fact I strongly dislike political talks as a whole, because it only feels to me as arguing over debating points of opinionated views, and that is just not my wish on how to live my life with happiness. I cast my vote privately and leave it at that, lol. I just felt it would or could not hurt to suggest the option idea for some things such as tests that would otherwise not harm anyone if it was wrong, since there are always second opinions to seek. I have dear friends who get political with me in chats that I force change of subject all the time, so that's what stemmed this explanation I think, lol.
Well, my last post of 2012, and I hope it finds you all with smiles and good health. I want to thank you all for being a great inspiration for me to keep going, keep fighting, keep living and helping however I can. We are all a big team for healthy living, and more birthdays. I hope all the best come your way and this new year is filled with good news, better health, and more smiles.
Happy New Year everyone, may it be the best love filled year for us all.
For the last time in 2012, I now say... "Bye for now" *big new year hugs* be safe and be well!
Another Christmas celebrated with family and friends, and for me too, another birthday! Many ask if I get presents for each or one for both occasions. My answer is always, it does not matter whether I get one or two, or none, because time spent with loved ones is gift enough to me and that is one of the great wonders about Christmas time for me. I have been given a ton of gifts simply from my doctor saying a few words that included "all clear". I have been able to regain alot of my life back this past year, including walking without need of holding on to things, I feel better most of the time now, and I get "sick" much less now, meaning I am eating a lil better and keeping my weight at a more healthy level.
I am now treating AIH, Its another mess, but even that has shown some improvement from where it was when they upped my meds after docs decided to focus treatment on that rather than begin a chemo schedule to rid of such high risk of cancer returning or developing elsewhere. I am on watch now with blood tests every other week, and scans every few months. Chemo is still an option if relapse occurs of course, but that's in case, so for now I am staying optimistic about remaining cancer free. I am doing my best at living life to the fullest, and will continue so in 2013.
*laughs to self*
The doomsday ppls were wrong!!, lol, just had to say that, we live, we will continue to live, and I had no doubts we would see another day, lol. But Ill not say I was not prepared for a disaster, because I am, but then again, I do live in California and I am well prepared for emergencies like a big earthquake, lol. That goes without saying here in Cali, lol. Sadly many ppl don't ever think ahead and never prepare things for "what-ifs". So the earth didn't go boom in a hail of fire, lol, which I laugh at since they said that. I mean, it isn't going poof by fire ppls!, its gonna be glitter!, geeze, lol :P
Ok, I got that out of my system, lol. Well, my brother's b-day had come and passed, he is now older than he was, which was already old, lol. I will be 27 this Christmas, yay!, then comes new years, yay again! I love this time of year, and I truly wish all the best to all of you. I hope for the best this coming year, and I pray for those families who had hard times this year and will now journey into the next year with remaining hurts. To those I send my heartfelt hugs to. May you all remain surrounded by love and keep the strength to find your smiles again (speaking mainly to the sandy disaster victims, both storm and school, and to those who lost loved ones to cancer and other means as well)
To all you reading this, I hope you the best this holiday season, and may your hearts be filled with love and your life filled with happiness. Keep the hope that one day a cure for cancer is found. Thank you for reading, be well ,,,bye for now *hugs* o:)
A question I have asked, and to be honest, I still don't have a full scope, "big picture" answer of all I had and survived but I made it through because I was a big part of my care team. I do know, asking this question does make a difference. When I asked, I had yet to discover there was a Facebook group with the very question as their name. For me the answer has been different, and now with an "all-clear" status, I still wonder what the true answer overall for me is now, knowing all I know now of what I now live with and have been treating. This group is one of the great resources that I feel many doctors, surgeons, nurses and every cancer patient should be part of. Every cancer case IS different, just as every treatment is different. To follow on one liver cancer case to see how it would turn out, would scare anyone. I know this to be true. I am one case of liver cancer. And my case is by far, very different, very rare as two doctors have told me on both ends of my journey. I have shared posts from this group in my Facebook, and I do hope it reaches some people, who will share it with others, so that one day, this question will land on the lips of someone who is just diagnosed asking his or her doctor, and will remember hearing of this question in the past. It just may be the question to trigger a lifesaving test, that otherwise the doc would wait on in favor of "lets see how things go from here". Perhaps this test may find something that will change a misdiagnosis, and find a more critical path to take to treat the patient who asked "Is my cancer different?". When you think of all the little things that can change outcomes, and think how "voicing" your concerns can push your oncology team to explore all possibilities of your case, it sure becomes a major contrast of the opposite thoughts of not saying anything at all, being silent, never asking, never getting that extra minute of your doctors' time to think of what it can be, never giving chance to spawn a thought in his or her mind, perhaps of another case sounding similar to yours, triggering that inner voice the doc has that can create the decision to order that yet unknown critical test to eliminate any possibilities in search of all correct paths to properly treat your case.
I want you , the reader, to take one minute, and think of a moment in your life, one instance in your life, where you later wished things would have evolved to a better result, and you know, now, that had you asked a question, or even said something to change that moment, things would have turned for the better.
Think of something close that fits this?
... I know we all have at least one moment in our lives like that. And if you don't, then I honestly wish you continued success in having a perfect life, lol. We all wish we had such a life, lol, but the truth is, we do have regrets, big ones, little ones, insignificant tiny ones, and most have got over the event and carried on, with life.
Now think about this scenario....
...you have been diagnosed with cancer, and the doc says its a common type, but you feel it don't fit what he says but you are so distraught from the news at the moment, you cant conjure the words to ask, but in the comfort of home you do a search on your diagnosis online, what you find are the many symptoms that don't exactly match yours, but you find that another type within the same category of your diagnosis has more similarity as all you been feeling. Now on follow up (or perhaps you call in to say "Im coming in to see my doctor now, fit me in, Im on my way!"), you choose to ask, if your diagnosis is different to other common cancer diagnosis. Your doctor then asks you what made you ask, and you explain. With this explanation your doc orders another test, and that test finds something that was missed before, something that requires immediate treatment. Your doc later on says how lucky you are to have asked about your diagnosis and you have a good prognosis based on catching it just in time. ...just in time. Think about how things could have turned out had you stayed silent, and not asked. It sure would not be another event in your life that you would simply get over and carry on from.
This site has many great resources and links to other resources to help inform everyone, patient, caregiver, the curious, and give tons of info that can help anyone find the right paths instead of freaking out uninformed and newly diagnosed (I was one).
* Being informed is the first step to fighting cancer! *
That goes for anyone, even if you dont have it and luckily never do. Perhaps you will be the one to know, help, love, or even be the caregiver for another who will go through cancer. You can make a difference.
I read this article (link here and at bottom of this post) that spoke on ways to avoid burnout as a caregiver of cancer patients. So I chose to share it on my FB timeline and here as well. It is a very big concerning subject and hit home for me in a big way. I hope this helps others as this can bring awareness to the needs of caregivers of all cases of illness assistance. Caregivers need caregivers too! They are lifesaving angels in my eyes, and even angels need angels. o:')
Posted on my fb Nov 29th 2012...
This is a very good article on the health of
caregivers. I know how hard it has been for my best friend, I know
how hard it could have been if she did not have the help of my older
brother and many others who have helped her, help me. Physical health
is very important for caregivers as is the social and mental health.
Many times, I heard her crying in her room, many, many times, and
most of those times were during times I could only wish I could simply
get up, go
to her room, and hug and hold
her, tell her "its ok, I'm ok, things will be ok.....". I know
her life changed just as much as mine has, a great sacrifice of all she
knew as normal in her own life, to care for me. At one point I had to
insist she return to work, because she was home, 24 hours a day,
leaving only to go to the store during times my nurse came over. She was
becoming paranoid and ironically, this occurred at a time I was feeling
a little better after my last major surgery. She did return to work
part time, and had me send her email texts every half hour, to be sure I
was ok. To this day, I still send her emails twice a day when she is at
work. Understanding of concerns caregivers have is of great importance,
for it is only them loving us that they worry so deeply, and they need
that love back in return in any way possible. So understanding even the
crazy little things they need/ask, is the least anyone can do to show
support for a caregiver.
Burnout is very easily done in even
less extreme cases. I hope this article reaches all who are assisting,
caring for, living with and watching over someone battling cancer, or
any other illness requiring assistance for that matter. Caregiving is
one of the most wonderful, selfless acts of love. They need just as
much support as the one they care for too. If you know of anyone who is a
caregiver of someone battling for their life, give support to them,
even if its a hug, or to offer to grab something at the store while you
are getting your own groceries too. Anything small can be a great help to
caregivers as it can be that one small yet necessary thing they push themselves to do,
that may bring them closer to a burnout. And that can be, by example of
my observation of my best friend over these past four years,
"caregivers becoming very sick" (overwhelming situations and extensive
emotional hardship can weaken the immune system, allowing harsh flues
and colds to overtake caregivers), "caregivers going thru emotional
breakdown and/or crying throughout the night" (in the past, during
times my results of tests/scans were not as good as hoped, or my loss
of appetite and I could not eat, became too weak to go to the bathroom
on my own, or falling too many times when I tried to go on my own, or me
sleeping excessively or not at all due to pain, etc.). ... There
is so much I could go on about my observations of what she went thru. I
hate the few things that she had to deal with on top of everything
else, and that was my stubborn choices, my own hard moments of coping,
and mood swings. I know I was not the easiest person to be around many
times, and I wish I was better able to cope better, but I know, much
was from medications and fears and well, the deeply dark thoughts one
can have in the absolute darkest hours of coping, or better described as
failure of coping on my part. Drastic actions and stupid things that
went on, ....... I just wish I was never sick at all to have made her deal
with all that. But she got thru it and brought me thru it all. Now Caregivers are not only those who physically assist the sick, but
those who give emotional support, or simply talk, chat, spend time with
someone who is needing to talk/chat during times of late hours, or times
when the main caregiver is away at the store or at work. I can name
many, many people who have fit such a role for me, some in even the
greatest way of support thru love as well. I owe a great deal of my
survival to them too, as they took over where my best friend went to
sleep (or tried to), or went in to work, or to the store. Panic attacks
don't have a schedule and the need to talk to someone can happen at any
time, therefore, I consider many of my dearest friends online, as
caregivers. Many times panic attacks were silent, unseen and unmentioned to those on the other side of online chats, and little do they know that they just saved me from a hard long sleepless night deep in fear brought on by otherwise unstoppable thoughts of every "what if" scenario of upcoming tests/scans, or the anxiety filled "wait" for the results afterwards. I hope this post finds all in good health, and if
you know of anyone who is going through a hard time while caring for
someone, please do help if you can. Caregivers need as much support as
those they care for. Share this post to anyone you know who is
caring for someone, and let them know they are not
alone, and so very appreciated, no matter how things may seem/look, or
sometimes seem as if the care is refused. Denial and coping is a hard
deep dark place we go through at times in our battles, So caregivers
take alot of circumstantial abuse in such difficult times. Thank you for reading. *big hugs to all* ~Jennifer C. Wolf o:)
I been going thru alot of new things and alot of good news and some confusing stuff thrown in for good measure. First off, I want to post a video I made using my "Why I Relay" recording I had made for the 2011 RFLofSL. I know it took me forever to do but, I finally did it and better late than never, right? lol, I will say most of my updates lately have been on my Facebook and if you wish to go there, heres a link...
Be sure to send a message to me that you are from my blogger so I know when I get friend requests, :) I get requests sometimes from people who just troll around fb, so I have become cautious as to who I accept lately, lol. Anyhoo, like I said, alot of stuffs happened lately, and one great thing is, finally, I am cancer free. :') I have been without any new findings for a while, but based on my choice not to go through preventive chemo treatment, I was at a very high risk and was on a slow recovery from all I had gone through. In other words, I chose quality over quantity and lately I had chose to get prepared for anything they advised I do. That brought on a few tests that found I had some elevated afp levels, that oddly was not seen a month before, then I had another test couple weeks later and the same.
All in all, they found no cancer, but I am treating the cause of it all, and now am on Prednisone to treat the autoimmune hepatitus and have been placed on a new status with the transplant waiting list, with new score, although a lower score, but that only means Im not doing as bad as I have in that past.
Ya, Im still very confused on the whole process of my journey, but Im here, and thats what counts. Ill probably come back to this blog now and again, but not as much as I do Facebook. I am trying to consolidate my online stuffs, so do say hi if u wish, no obligation. o:)
Bye for now and thank you all for reading my blog. *big hugs* ~Jenn o:)
Here is the video I made using the recording I made that was used at the RFLofSL event opening ceremony, mentioned on my Why I Relay For Life post...
