Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 3) ~ Idina Menzel - Let It Go (Frozen version)

Here's a third post from Facebook to be brought over to my blog,  and from this point I hope to just post here, but I can't say things will be good everyday when I feel like writing, so we will see what the future holds for the next postings!   :)


 To add to my description of why I felt this song to hit deep home for me,  is the fact that I still feel like I am in my early 20s,   like my life stopped when cancer came to change the life I knew, and from this I will always be about ten years behind my actual age. So as I am 30 today, I still think as if I am in my early 20s, lol.

 Cancer truly isolated me to  my room,  to my bed for years in fact for the most part. I eventually tapped in to my stubborn side to overcome how I perceived my situation and imagined I was well and able to make myself beautiful, as opposed of how I saw my reflection of the mess I become with cancer,  and do all I wanted to do. I remember being at my worst in the scariest times where I was always cold, so I imagined it snowing outside,   and me in the mountains camping. I used imagination deeply and made my Secondlife avatar as pretty as I felt in the times I would imagine being well and doing all I wanted within the growing imaginative life I consumed my mind with all the impossibilities that can ever be in anyone's real life. Sometimes imagination mashes with real life and thoughts flow out,  much like what you will read below and turns into motivation to cope with my current situations. This is just me,  surviving life as I know it....

...

Herroooo....
In life, to survive the bad to enjoy the good, sometimes you have to reach into your past and remember the worst. Those memories can turn the winds of bad into a mild breeze.

I had a scan done again to see how the chemo treatments are working and they felt it best to continue full treatment weekly for two months but changes are pending how overall health holds up and scans later on too. For now, to help maintain a level of health just to get thru treatments, I am back to having the I.V. pole by my bed at home, but for now only need it for part of each day, mainly when I nap and sleep. It helps keep my hydration up, while times I am awake I am constantly taking sips of Pedialyte. This helps for low function liver and undergoing treatment with the almost daily puking each time I eat. ..I know, too graphic, but that's just the raw and truthful normalcy of it.

Anyways, I honestly rather not be very detailed of all I go thru in my days, but it was important to know at least that much to understand my thoughts while hearing an otherwise over-played song we all can admit we fell in love with. This song is from the Disney movie "Frozen", and is called "Let It Go", sung by Idina Menzel. (I still love each time it plays!)

This time I will not go lyric by lyric then my thoughts but will simply put my thoughts relative to the song, but will very much make sense if you already know the words. Here are my thoughts to this song in order to the actual lyrics........ but in my own changed lyrics.

(This took a lot to do for me so I hope u enjoy it for what it is and means to me for my focus in my journey, afterwards watch the video and feel the perspective I just shared with you in my version of the lyrics. Oh, and Cindy is my best friend/sis-in-law/caregiver!).........
.
.
[Let It Go - my journey's version]
-
-The sun shines white on my four walls today,
No one else is home for a while, Cindy is at work.
My room of cancer fighting social isolation,
And it looks again, I'm the queen.
.
The recent winds we had mimicked raging emotions
I hold inside.
At times my tears, I cant always keep them in,
heaven knows I do tried.
.
Don't want cancer again, spots on scans
I never want to see.
I want to be the healthy girl I always have to be.
Try concealing fears, being sick, try not letting it show.
Well some days they just know.
.
Our fears must go, just let them go,
I see Cindy's tears at times she cant hold
them back anymore.
My friend it's ok to just let them fall,
Let them go.
She often turns away to her room and slams her door.
.
I know she don't care of the bad the doctors say.
As the cool I.V. drips, and chemo storm rages on.
I'm a fighter, that cold never bothered me anyway.
.
It is funny how some journeys
Makes everything else seem small.
And these fears at times consume me,
I can't let them get to me at all!
.
Now it is time to prove what my will can do,
to be resilient and make it through.
Cant have worries with tears, no fears for me!
From fear I want to be free!!
.
So I must let them go, I let you know,
I'm prepared and optimistic, and this I do I try.
At home my tears I let them go,
but online they never show.
My online friends, you'll never see me cry.
.
But here I am...
And here I'll stay.
While this journey's storm rages on...
.
My will is great I will throw my fears onto the ground.
It hurts to see again my brother panic,
his mind is mostly scattered all around.
Please focus on cancer being killed by the poisonous chemo's blast.
God, I never want cancer back,
this suffering past was in the past!!
.
Cancer in this world must go, I want it to go.
May a cure rise like a phoenix, let us live on.
Life's plans we let them go,
our hair we let it go.
That familiar girl in the mirror is gone.
.
But here I stand....
And I'll fight everyday.
.
In my journey I rage on.
The chemo's coldness never bothered me anyway!

........


Here is the video, and beneath this are the original lyrics. This way you can see how my words fit with the original song to a point, but not singable in my version, lol.

Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" Sequence, Performed by Idina Menzel , original version:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.

..
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.

..
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!

..

Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back any more. Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.

..
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

..

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all

..
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I'm free!

..

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.

..
Here I'll stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

...

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

..

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

..
Here I stand, in the light of day.

..

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway...

.........



I hope you all are doing well and enjoying life!
*loving hugs for all*
Ty for reading!
~Jennifer Wolf

Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 2) ~Queen - Under Pressure

Hi, I'm just following up on another song that hit home for me and fits very well for most fighters and survivors of cancer, and it fit well with all I'm currently experiencing now too.

I currently am in between my second and third chemo treatments, and the good days are getting harder to come by but I am in no way complaining, nor am I in no way throwing any towel in on this full and aggressive treatment. Even though I have been coping with the physical and mental wake of post cancer chaos of the last 7+ years, my focus on having my life put back on track has never stopped. So it is with this focus that I am driven to use what health I have gained to go head first in the most aggressive option I was given, since it has that better chance of having a better life sooner.

My use of the word "soon" does not by any means define the true nature of fighting cancer of any type, especially some types like primary liver complicated by low liver function due to a remaining (yet mild case as the docs describe) auto-immune hepatitis condition.

Anyhoo, getting back to the point of the post, here is another song by Queen called Under Pressure. It is probably just my recent awareness of coincidences in life and the elements that make up some days for me, like listening to music or watching videos on YouTube, but I thought it would be good to share this with you all.


As with the last post with lyrics, I will use the same format:


("actual song lyric")

-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.








 ........................


Queen - Under Pressure

....

(Pressure
pushing down on me
pressing down on you
no man ask for)

-Cancer, Worry, Bills, Fear of the still unknown and undetected,
The Effects of the Meds, the Treatments, my Choices within the Options given by my oncologist that best fits my case... It all pushes down on me, as each fighter/survivor has their unique burdens of The Journey weighing down on them. It not only pushes down on us but pushes down on the family and friends. And I say this to you the reader... "Cancer pushes down on me, Pushes down on you..." ... and neither of us asked for this, , . cancer and all that ensues within each fighting journey is truly something no person will ever ask for!

...

(under pressure
that burns a building down
splits a family in two
puts people on streets)

-All that bears down, all that is involved with fighting cancer, any stage of cancer, will place strain on even the most resilient individual's life. A life that has either been built up within many years or has just begun and still is in development with plans for college, plans for success, ... plans... ...a life built, no matter the stage it is built up on, comes to a abrupt halt and for many, all that was built is burned down. This very change in one's life can sometimes sadly distance some otherwise very close people in your life once you break the news you have cancer. For some, myself included, become very close to being put on the streets, but I am fortunate to have such a wonderful friend who stood up and accepted her life to be changed by my cancer, that which I had no other choice but to have my life changed by it. In many regards it has been a good change equally with the bad, but it is a perspective only explained by each individual. Sadly for some, the fight can result in loss of home and therefor those fighters end up on the streets by the insane financial strains fighting cancer brings.

...

(It's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming "let me out"
pray tomorrow
gets me higher
pressure on people
people on streets
It's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming "let me out"
pray tomorrow
gets me higher
pressure on people
people on streets)

-For everyone on earth directly and indirectly effected by cancer, the fight will never end, because we constantly strive to find something or someone who knows what can make the suffering less or end it completely with a cure. While reading, searching and inquiring for such better ways, we find ourselves engulfed by this community of fighters and survivors alongside wonderful caregivers. The fact that this truth that cancer is happening all around us and for many it occurs without a way of curing it fully due to the lack of detecting it early, .. it is truly terrifying of knowing what this world is all about, especially when one watches a friend suffering with late stage cancer and medicated in bed, unable to get up on their own anymore, wake up terrified screaming "Let me out!" ..Our freedoms in life are something no one should ever take for granted, freedoms like walking to the bathroom on your own, cooking for yourself or just being able to think clearly without forgetting what it was you were thinking about a second ago. We all pray in our own ways for better tomorrows and optimism and positive thinking does get our spirits higher for sure, no matter where the fighter of cancer ends up, be it at home with their spouse, with parents, a friend or on the streets. It is truly crucial to have positiveness in each perspective compared to the individual bases for comparison to result in optimism for that bit of quality of life.

...

(Turned away from it all like a blind man
sat on a fence but it don't work
keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
why, why, why!
Love....)

-Many people have not been touched by cancer, and many choose to ignore it. turning that blind eye on cancer and the need to find the cure is not ever going to work to save those we love later on. Sitting on the fence waiting and procrastinating to learn more about the basics of cancer and how you can help is not the solution for a cure, ..."it don't work!" ....sitting on that fence for that cure to just pop up will not save those you love, and every single person who does help brings that cure that much closer. Imagine if no one helped find this cure we still seek.... how can anyone imagine that while imagining loving our family and friends who find that cancer crept into their lives, leaving their lives slashed and torn without any cure due to no one helping. Today we are so fortunate we do have people helping, but to those who don't help, I cant help but to ask, "why? why? why?" The answer why we all help is: "Love"...

...

(insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
can't we give ourselves one more chance
why can't we give love that one more chance
why can't we give love, give love, give love
give love, give love, give love, give love, give love)

-For those of us who have experienced a cancer journey that spans many years, it is through sheer dark humor that sometimes helps us cope with the day to day miseries we struggle with, be it keeping food down while we joke our body confused the food with cancer and threw it out, or we just come up with funny reasons why we forget something so easy like the name of a friend, but we hope they laugh too, but under the pressures of the worry they have for us we too worry and find our sanity sometimes cracks. All we can do is focus on the love we have for each other and just understand that love is the basis for all we do for one another, and it is why we fight, to hold onto time to be with those we love, for more time, more loving time. We must relay for life, relay for time, relay for love, to give love that one more chance. Give love, give hope, give hope.. Love and hope...

...

(Cause love's such an old fashioned word
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves
this is our last dance
this is ourselves
under pressure
under pressure
pressure)

-Because Love is the true old fashioned reason we seek for the cure. Love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the darkness of their lives who struggle to eat, to breath, to live, to love you back with open eyes to not show that pain they feel for the sake of those who love them... That love dares humanity to change our way of caring about ourselves as a civilized species. Dares us all to continue relaying for life until that cure is found, because for many of us who are still fighting for life, for time, for a normal life... This is our last dance, and as a whole, this is our last dance, our last chance to help those we love. This is our last chance, this is ourselves under pressure. This is us relaying for life, it is that pressure that drives us to care, to change our way we care for ourselves and for those fighting for life.
And, as one of the many who currently are fighting hard to beat this disease inside of us, "This IS our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure!" ....


.......................

~Jennifer Wolf March 28, 2016
(My thoughts listening to this song)

...again, thank you for reading, bye for now!
~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 1) ~Queen - The Show Must Go On

Another re-post from Facebook as the last post was. There will be a couple more like this so bear with me. Now on to the post.....




Hi everyone, right now I'm pretty well medicated, and yet oddly I am thinking slightly clearer for the moment, or I just got really good rest. I woke up with a song running in my mind that has been sorta my mantra lately as I enter a new chapter of a journey I honestly hoped would not be so strewn with issue after issue with complications and whatnot of all that is relative to the subject of attempted cancer survival, physically, mentally and equally emotionally.

...

Bear with me and this odd format as I'm typing this from my brother's phone again, and it may be still hard to follow my words, but I do feel a bit clear right now, I hope it lasts through the day, I think its from getting good rest after yesterday though. I still think it is odd though.

...

The song is by Queen, and I am very certain most of you know it. The song is called "The Show Must Go On"

Now first, one should think how someone fighting cancer would think, perhaps numerously fighting cancer, and imagine the thoughts this person would have relative to the words in the lyrics of this song. So with that in your mind, here is thought spurts as I listen to this song....

[The format is ...

("actual song lyric") 

-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.....]


...


Queen - The Show Must Go On

...

("Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for")

-The once full life of activity and productive focus all turn vacant within the fog of meds taken to survive, what kind of life is this in this moment of feeling so totally outside yourself, lost in thoughts, lost on focus, lost of momentum.


...


("Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore")

-Another possible cure, another wait for approval of use to save lives now... so many ways to help so many, yet the cure remains covered from our eyes, ...for many of us time runs short and we cant take cancer anymore...


...


("The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on")

-Relaying for life goes on, we must strive on, towards a cure....
So many are lost each day, my heart breaks,....and as I lay in my bed thinking of this new round of chemo, and how it is only to isolate this cancer only to my liver, eliminating any spread, where then they will deal with the tumor there, I feel like I am falling apart inside, .... I just think of ways to stay smiling.


...


("Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free")

-I feel good about this time, I know I can win, but accept the destination of my path, although it hurts to say, I am prepared for what-if's chances, ..life's past relationships, and those I have hope in the future, this just hurts my heart to think being alone for longer is just my new normal. Perhaps my reasons to still be here on earth is beyond relationships, ...if only I knew what my reasons were. I do not want to miss out on that, so I fight on...
I have learned so much from having cancer, life is still short no matter how long I do survive, I must do my best to be the best me in this world, and accept the gifts life brings, living to the fullest yet accepting what lies around each unseen bend. This life may still be in it's light of dawn, but here I am in the seemingly darkness of my health again, and I just ache to be free........


...


("The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh")

-The fight must go on, I will carry on, for sure!....
I may be falling apart again while poisons run inside of me, soon bald again, soon even worst feelings of yukky sick and schedules for operations to put me back together after yet another tumor extraction possibility, ....for the sake of myself but mainly for my family here, my smile still stays on.


....


("My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends")

-As I sit here thinking of my past 7+ years with cancer in my life I feel the gifts of what life brought me thru friends and experiences.... oh, these words say it best, my favorite part of this song...
* 'My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends!' ... *
....My fight is taking flight my friends, I am optimistic, yet I am not bulletproof, this smile shows bright thru the tears that run on my face as fearful thoughts still run thru my mind based on my past experiences...


...


("The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on.
The Show Must Go On, The Show Must Go On")

-My fight goes on, this battle continues on, I face it with this grin, and I'm never giving in!...
I will beat this thing, continue to relay in my way, this cancer will be killed, I have the will to carry on, my life must go on!"


...


~Jennifer Wolf -mar. 18, 2016
(Thoughts I had as I listened to this song)
...

...

Ty for reading.
Bye for now,
  ~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Remission: Oct 30th, 2012 - March 10th, 2016

I wrote this on a smartphone and posted it on Facebook, so the format is a bit off for there as it is here. I did intend this for my blog here so here it is, although late, from the original post date of March 16th, 2016. I did fix a few things to the format so it still looks normal here at least (also fixed the post date to show the original date I posted on Facebook too, today is April 16th, exactly a month later).

Hope it comes out "ok". :) 

 ....Also I have a few other posts on Facebook that should be here too, so I will be bringing them here as well. Hope you have your reading eyes on, so here they go......



    [ As posted on my Facebook timeline: ]

The following truly should be posted on my blog, but for sake of simplicity, I am just typing it here. I am also a bit unfocused from my meds, so bear with me (I don't handle meds very well, but the pro/con balance says I should deal with the cons to have the pros!  *dull "yay"*). I may simply copy and paste this to my blog later on, but for now, since things will begin tomorrow, I choose to post here so all who read this has some form of update of this girl who has for the most part been absent from the usual online activities I been more known for. Also I am typing this from my brother's phone so format may look a bit odd. Now for my actual post........

***

Hi everyone,
Coincidences sure can be an amazing aspect of life especially when u add the fact that most people's lives are connected to the net, where we either share our experiences, and or read about others' journeys, or simply read news about whats going on in the fields of health and treatments that are increasingly successful today.

***

Within the many YouTube channels I subscribe to about sciences, life, inspiration and simple stories of everyday basic life of prospective you-tubers trying to find success in a growing industry of online media, I often find myself viewing videos newly posted each day that oddly happen to coincide with something I am going thru in my life, or with a funny subject of a conversation with my brother the night before or a thought in my head the very moments I hit the play button on one of those new videos on my subscribed list.

***

The same, yet scary coincidences I find occur here on Facebook too. I have been reading much about many friends directly or slightly indirectly coming back into the subjects of cancer. I do not silently giggle about what I mostly find, but I do tend to "lol" when it comes to my thoughts of having to suddenly pee right at the moment I start watching a video about "body hacks", where one such "trick" mentioned was if you find u must pee in a bad way and are not yet at or near a potty, simply scratch your calf/back of your lower leg, and the urge will ease for a bit, and allow you to stand in those lines waiting at times, without doing that well known dance.

***

So many coincidences but I will not list them all, so on with the point...

***

Tomorrow I will be starting something I have lately been reading of others talking about going thru or will soon be doing.

***

Now, I know by this point many reading this are thinking just what I am going on about, and some of you may already know exactly what I am typing about here. What I will say for now is, I am optimistic, I am confident things will go "ok".

***

To put it in words I can simplify from a far longer post here into far less typing....

***

"REMISSION:
Oct. 30th, 2012 - Mar. 10th, 2016 ~Jennifer Wolf"

***

Now for some details...

***

What contrasted scans found after several tests to narrow down blood lab result changes over the last few months are, two spots. One the size of a pea in my liver, another smaller in a "local" lymph gland. Although this sounds scary and spreading, it is not as spread as it sounds, so do to my overall health being good lately otherwise, they want to do full chemo treatments for at least a month to see how the spots react and may go for longer depending on what they find at that point, after which I will be back on chemo pills (low dose) for at least a month or two after full treatment ends. I used to be on these before but I heard there's a slight change now for this than before.

***

I know "treatment" does not end per say, but I look at it as episodes of a tv series, where events come in chapters rather than a long drawn out 3-6 month suspense movie.

***

So for now, I will truly be off and on the net as I stroll down this new path of my journey.

***

Worry not as I am far better off today than I was before, and I along with treatment will be far more aggressive than this cancer is, which my docs officially are calling a 2nd round, also officially ending my remission status.

***

Optimism, hope, modern sciences, faith and prayers may sound like two ends of the belief spectrum, but they are what I do try to maintain focus on, and simply put, that's how I roll!

***

Be well and do take care. Things on my end are ok considering so worry not. I am not worried for where this path leads me, but I will be honest that I am terrified for the unknown detours a journey can suddenly take. Even though, Im content with my being fully prepared for anything too. And I do in fact plan to getting past this little bump in the road for sure.

  Thank you for reading.
Bye for now!
~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

I am still, still here ...older, but here....

 Yes I am still around, still at home, still where I was since I last posted, back in October of 2014, lol. OMG, how time still flies by when it feels like its 50 years living it, yet you look back and wonder...  "what...  wait...   its 2016?!!!!"

             *big sigh*

 Ya time tends to do that when you live the usual ups and downs of post cancer life, riddled with complications of old complications, that only cause further complications as time goes by on certain meds, that must be changed after a while, causing new problems with new side effects, and then you return to the original meds that now seem to give new side effects never before experienced!  *pause to catch breath*    ......all in all it's just complicated!


                So, what has gone on
               since I been, "still here"?

  Well,  I  aged,  I  slept, I woke, I still am grateful each day I wake up and see another day, that has not changed.  I also recently had my 30th birthday!  WOW!   Ya, what a milestone to experience,  for sure!   So  there's that,   I  got to  see Mammoth Lakes  again last (late) summer as the temps began to cool actually, which was a nice change from the usual stuffs, like staying home, lol. It rained some, even hailed, and then it snowed for about 10 minutes, but none stuck, but that night was not restful,  hail is loud on tents,  along with wind that test your two tent stakes per corner idea, lol. I did tie a thin rope I used to use for this reason, from a tree to the tent, so I wont blow away, unless nature feels its my time to experience the myth of literally being blown away in a tent.  All was  good tho,  but had a lil flooding in the tent, but this girl thinks smart (sometimes) and I set up on a slight hill, so I was dry, thanks to a huge tarp I brought, lol.


  To get to the point of why I  have returned to writing this is..  well,   the "ups and downs" , especially lately. And they have seemed to be a bit on the extreme side of "average" this past year, especially these past couple months. So here I am, putting it to text, so it helps me sort my thoughts on things.


              Now to touch on what
                     these been for me....

  I been doing better most times,  been walking,  eating well,  so my weight has reached my target range, so I no longer need to gain up, so there's that. I been doing oks with my hypoglycimia too,  not had to take a glucose shot for a long while now, thanks to healthier diet and walking, and minimal exercise I do. All in all I been doing    ...oks.


                Now the down
                     side of things....

  I had some spots found in a scan last summer, and that was by far the scariest time I experienced last year.  I did go thru some treatments, but not for "months" this time, and it was successful they said.
   *fears subside*
 So we went on a camp trip as soon as I was cleared to do so. It was truly fun and despite how I felt, I pushed myself to hike a little and even ride my bike too. I had to get back to my recovery I reached before going in a bad "down", so I pushed hard of course. I am still to this day trying to get back to where I reached.

                     
          [text message]:How u been?
          [me]: oh, I'm doing ok...   o:)

  After returning home,  I did my best to focus on the good, and not think at all of what bad I  still had to deal with, so I just  basically put a bandaid on the issues and ran thru the motions of coping with them and  in my way, pretended all was back to my normal. When asked how I was doing, I would simply respond with,  "I'm doing ok"  ...which often got me that "just 'ok'?" response, lol.   Yes, I have been "ok", but I know the power of suggestion,  be it out loud/literal, or just mental, it is how I get thru my time, and I choose to be ok,  so I am just that,     "ok".

  Now saying   I am "ok"   is  telling the truth honestly,  it is by no means telling a lie, but it is not  admitting to being great and healthy or being bad and sick. It just means I am ok with how I am, , which can actually be a good thing at the moment,  or  with a headache (most cases lately) in another moment, or simply that I woke up that day sick and puking and I feel much better, for the moment, bringing back to my valid answer of saying that I am "ok".


              Does Worry have hair?

  Sooo....  anyhoo,     here is  whats  got me by the  worry hairs lately...     My last  few blood tests  have been a bit out of range.  Not just  on  my liver function, but on some other stuffs too.  To spare you on details,  I'll admit I am not up to disclosing the exact numbers and stuffs here, since I am honestly not going to look thru the result papers to decipher what each thing means,  but  what they show is,   some   "markers"  are   showing again.  Now, the first time this happened,   I  had to  go in for another test,  a week later. That one  did not show anything, other than my liver function was still "off" a bit,  so  I  went back on the prednisone, but they gave me twice my dose I used to take.


                Wut R U on now?!

  Prednisone can suck in so many ways,  but it is different for others. I basically get bad headaches,  and at times cant keep food down. Some days I feel like I have a flu, others Im ok but my brain is far from clear. This aspect of this med is one reason I stopped writing here. I was on "pred" then, and it frustrated me to no end to try writing (writers block to the extreme), so I stopped all that frustrated me, and that  turned out to be almost everything I used to do, lol.
Am I on it now?  ....yup.
  I just  learned to deal with it,  but really,  I  just  learned to function between the crap times and just work on the good moments of my day. Those moments I focus on to feel "ok" about my day as night comes and dinner time arrives to possible visits facing the toilet yet again. Thankfully its not often so it has not affected my weight so Im still maintaining that, so..   Im "ok"!


               Vampires!
          they dress like nurses!
              I kno, I seen them!

Back to that blood test thing...    Third times a charm,   well,   maybe not a charm,   it  came back  showing the markers again. I had to be scanned again, this time full body, so ya, that was  done.  They  found only those spots that are  "not active", but,    I had a swelling under my right ribs that my doc concluded I slept wrong, which lately I have been doing, (fetal position) since  I been dealing with some bad headaches. The scary thing of all this is,  I feel  that lump under my ribs just as I did  back when I felt it with that horrific pain,   that kept me awake  for days at a time,  back when  I  was fighting cancer.   It is not a fun feeling to feel this,   as it is far too close to de-ja-vu for me.  So far,  they (docs) have been keeping a close eye on my progress,  and I even send emails thru the health chart site they have me on,  so I post  my conditions on a daily rate there for them. The swelling was around the bile duct,  where I still have a stent, so,  having that and bending too far is not all that great,  even tho its small!


                 Docs online and...
       why are bottle caps so hard to twist!

It is   greatly important to be cooperative with the docs and their new online systems they use so they can better  care for you. I am glad my docs use this tech so I can feel better they at least know my daily "goings-on" and can arrange my appointments based on what they see in my daily posts to them,  or  to my charts as they call it.

Oh...    another thing,   as I just now took a drink of water from my waterbottle,  my hand has been hurting,  simply to grip things, and I was told it was arthritis!   Wut-the!?!   Im just 30!    *UGH*

So ya,  had to add that,  as it hurt bad twisting the cap off this water bottle just now,  and hurt to tighten it. I mean, I'm not even twisting it too tight,  it just hurts to tighten it a lil! 
*whaaa*   old age hitting too soon peoples!


            Ahhh...complications!
                      ...I get it now!

  I know,  some of you are prolly   figuring it out right now.  Yes,  it is due to low liver function,  going thru really bad times with  cancer in the past,  jaundice, bad atrophy, even the hypoglycemia, all contributes to bad joints, bad everything if u think on it long enough, lol. I just  am still  hoping for better days still, so  my answer  will still be "ok"  if  I'm asked how I am doing,  if they  catch me online, lol.  And I  mostly go online only when I am feeling my best that day, so  ya,  "ok" is what you get from me,  as that is what I am focusing on at the time.


        Still planning for "What-ifs"!!
               ...cuz u never know!

  Whatever lies ahead for me, is something I am not going to put much worry in,  as there is truly nothing I can do more than I am already doing to improve anything. I am already  doing all I can do, and I will continue doing so until I can not do it for whatever reason. But to shortly put it this way, I am still fully prepared for the "what-if" side of life. I even have plans put forth in places like games I have spent time in,, so that  what I created is still of use to those others who have come to enjoy it and that is a good thing for them to still have "if"  something does  ever happen.  We all have our time, so why not keep things  set up for those "what-ifs" if I was already prepared that before?  It is far easier for me to maintain my position of preparedness than to let it fall unprepared and have that to worry about when I can not longer do anything to fix it. So I  set it up now when I can so its done and set.


             We all are born in debt!!

I kno, I kno,  morbid,  but that is life! deal with it!  We all  owe death a visit, so its not like anyone is exempt from death.   It is actually best to have it far easier for your loved ones to have your side of things in order so they wont have to deal with excessive loose ends when after your time comes. It may be just me, but that's how I am. And this is what I am doing lately, as I know what the 5 year survival rate is for such cancer cases as I had/have/had?/have?/you-know-what-I-mean!  Im at 3 years, 3 months-ish already since I was told "all-clear", so,  lets see how things go in a couple years!  I  plan to be far better, but I do in fact plan for the worst but hope for the best. And it is by no means  like spending my life dieing, but only  being prepared so I can live in peace without worry of this mess for those left behind. But then too, I will also be prepared for greatness to come my way too, should I need to remember everything I may come to forget, I can  return to things easily and not leave anything out. Passwords are a pain to remember sometimes and that's part of my plan book. Just as it is part of my "What-if" Protocol notebook as well!   ;)


           Turned 30 but feel 70!
         Hand me my walker, I gotta pee!

For now, I need to rest my hand from typing,  I  have not typed this much at once lately and I can sure feel it right now. It is hard to make a fist without pain, so I need to soak them in hot water with Epsom salt or something, lol. So much for knitting with yarn when I get truly old, lol. My hands are already a mess,   now to plan something different for my senior age plans!  LOL.  They even hurt when I chat for a long while too,  but I never really let it get to me, I enjoy chatting with friends, but this old girl is a mess , lol.     ...old...  30...  heh!

I will try to  post more as things turn up in these recent times of extreme "ups and downs" so if and when I can I will work on this between my headaches and stuffs I been dealing with daily. Lets just hope for the best. Im just trying to get well, and get through some hard times but I will be "ok" so no worry yet! I not given up since late 2008, and I sure not going to give up now! But when you gotta go, you gotta go!  ...take that one for what it's worth, lol   :P

Thank you for reading, and be well!
Bye for now all,  *big hugs*  
~Jennifer Wolf   o:)