Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 3) ~ Idina Menzel - Let It Go (Frozen version)

Here's a third post from Facebook to be brought over to my blog,  and from this point I hope to just post here, but I can't say things will be good everyday when I feel like writing, so we will see what the future holds for the next postings!   :)


 To add to my description of why I felt this song to hit deep home for me,  is the fact that I still feel like I am in my early 20s,   like my life stopped when cancer came to change the life I knew, and from this I will always be about ten years behind my actual age. So as I am 30 today, I still think as if I am in my early 20s, lol.

 Cancer truly isolated me to  my room,  to my bed for years in fact for the most part. I eventually tapped in to my stubborn side to overcome how I perceived my situation and imagined I was well and able to make myself beautiful, as opposed of how I saw my reflection of the mess I become with cancer,  and do all I wanted to do. I remember being at my worst in the scariest times where I was always cold, so I imagined it snowing outside,   and me in the mountains camping. I used imagination deeply and made my Secondlife avatar as pretty as I felt in the times I would imagine being well and doing all I wanted within the growing imaginative life I consumed my mind with all the impossibilities that can ever be in anyone's real life. Sometimes imagination mashes with real life and thoughts flow out,  much like what you will read below and turns into motivation to cope with my current situations. This is just me,  surviving life as I know it....

...

Herroooo....
In life, to survive the bad to enjoy the good, sometimes you have to reach into your past and remember the worst. Those memories can turn the winds of bad into a mild breeze.

I had a scan done again to see how the chemo treatments are working and they felt it best to continue full treatment weekly for two months but changes are pending how overall health holds up and scans later on too. For now, to help maintain a level of health just to get thru treatments, I am back to having the I.V. pole by my bed at home, but for now only need it for part of each day, mainly when I nap and sleep. It helps keep my hydration up, while times I am awake I am constantly taking sips of Pedialyte. This helps for low function liver and undergoing treatment with the almost daily puking each time I eat. ..I know, too graphic, but that's just the raw and truthful normalcy of it.

Anyways, I honestly rather not be very detailed of all I go thru in my days, but it was important to know at least that much to understand my thoughts while hearing an otherwise over-played song we all can admit we fell in love with. This song is from the Disney movie "Frozen", and is called "Let It Go", sung by Idina Menzel. (I still love each time it plays!)

This time I will not go lyric by lyric then my thoughts but will simply put my thoughts relative to the song, but will very much make sense if you already know the words. Here are my thoughts to this song in order to the actual lyrics........ but in my own changed lyrics.

(This took a lot to do for me so I hope u enjoy it for what it is and means to me for my focus in my journey, afterwards watch the video and feel the perspective I just shared with you in my version of the lyrics. Oh, and Cindy is my best friend/sis-in-law/caregiver!).........
.
.
[Let It Go - my journey's version]
-
-The sun shines white on my four walls today,
No one else is home for a while, Cindy is at work.
My room of cancer fighting social isolation,
And it looks again, I'm the queen.
.
The recent winds we had mimicked raging emotions
I hold inside.
At times my tears, I cant always keep them in,
heaven knows I do tried.
.
Don't want cancer again, spots on scans
I never want to see.
I want to be the healthy girl I always have to be.
Try concealing fears, being sick, try not letting it show.
Well some days they just know.
.
Our fears must go, just let them go,
I see Cindy's tears at times she cant hold
them back anymore.
My friend it's ok to just let them fall,
Let them go.
She often turns away to her room and slams her door.
.
I know she don't care of the bad the doctors say.
As the cool I.V. drips, and chemo storm rages on.
I'm a fighter, that cold never bothered me anyway.
.
It is funny how some journeys
Makes everything else seem small.
And these fears at times consume me,
I can't let them get to me at all!
.
Now it is time to prove what my will can do,
to be resilient and make it through.
Cant have worries with tears, no fears for me!
From fear I want to be free!!
.
So I must let them go, I let you know,
I'm prepared and optimistic, and this I do I try.
At home my tears I let them go,
but online they never show.
My online friends, you'll never see me cry.
.
But here I am...
And here I'll stay.
While this journey's storm rages on...
.
My will is great I will throw my fears onto the ground.
It hurts to see again my brother panic,
his mind is mostly scattered all around.
Please focus on cancer being killed by the poisonous chemo's blast.
God, I never want cancer back,
this suffering past was in the past!!
.
Cancer in this world must go, I want it to go.
May a cure rise like a phoenix, let us live on.
Life's plans we let them go,
our hair we let it go.
That familiar girl in the mirror is gone.
.
But here I stand....
And I'll fight everyday.
.
In my journey I rage on.
The chemo's coldness never bothered me anyway!

........


Here is the video, and beneath this are the original lyrics. This way you can see how my words fit with the original song to a point, but not singable in my version, lol.

Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" Sequence, Performed by Idina Menzel , original version:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.

..
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.

..
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!

..

Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back any more. Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.

..
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

..

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all

..
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I'm free!

..

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.

..
Here I'll stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

...

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

..

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

..
Here I stand, in the light of day.

..

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway...

.........



I hope you all are doing well and enjoying life!
*loving hugs for all*
Ty for reading!
~Jennifer Wolf

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR - part 2 ...and more PC fun, lol

First off,  I'M BACK!!!!   :D       LOL

THE FACES OTHERS SEE IN THEIR OWN MIRRORS

Many are known for their faces, some so recognizable that strangers take second looks and smile to their own little accomplishment of knowing someone they never met, but recognized only by looks alone from fame or simply sharing the same times on a sidewalk commute day after day.  Many are known by their amazing things they do, extraordinary service for others, above and beyond the call of their respected duties. Those who serve in the military,  fire department, or even the police.  My Godfather was a Los Angeles police officer, I will not disclose his division.  Many things turned bad, told to me by my dad when I was little, so my knowledge is still based on my childhood perspective and comprehension. My brother got to know him better than I did, even knew him back when he was still on the force. Unfortunately, there was corruption going on deeply in the ranks of his division, and many of those who did not avert their eyes to the internal crimes, were "dealt with", targeted, threatened, and for some, well...    My God-father is a good man, I remember him as so but long ago, and I know that much only by what time I did know him he could not possibly do the bad many around him were guilty of.  He was one of the good ones in fact, even earned the Metal of Valor, yet he was still harassed,  and threatened years later when his time came to be called to testify against the guilty. He has since moved and we not heard from him in many years, but I do hope he is doing well.  

MEDIA STUFFS, INTERNAL STUFFS...    IS ALL FULLY KNOWN THESE DAYS?

The media focused on key stories that involved the corruptions in that division, but much of all that occurred, remained  hidden from main media, and so was resolved, eventually.  This mess of events, which really began long before, was before the time my family moved from L.A.   So...  people are known for their  actions, their choice to do the right thing no matter what threats go towards them. The media, mainly the parts that mention more details, mention of those who stood up for the right, those who testified,  those who faced life changing risks, those who are only known for what they did, rather than by their faces or their looks alone. My Godfather, among others,  never were mentioned by name for what they did,   which was, to believe in the  reason they were given their badges to begin with, belief in justice,  the right thing,   morality of society,  even tho that is at times hard to believe exists in this day and age with all the shootings and killings going on.

WORDS FROM ONE END IS WORTH WORDS FROM THE "OTHER" END IF NOT FILTERED THROUGH THE HEART!!!

Everyone who is known for one thing or other involving "goodness" all have one thing in common,  they have hearts. Unfortunately not all think or "speak" with or through their heart but only from the dark  areas of their mind and that only spawns bullying, and  social degradation, especially on the many online formats of communications (too many to mention).  If only  everyone could speak to each other online the same as they would if  having a face-to-face conversation, then things might be a bit different in today's online world.  Along with advocating cancer awareness,  as well as other health disorders, I also support and will be advocating more on Anti-bullying, and will continue to just be me,  being just one example of online existence that is based on living life to it's fullest, with smiles, happiness of surrounding atmosphere online and even in real life, and words of loving nature with care and passion, as well as understanding and acceptance.

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR...  WHERE SHE BEEN?!!!

Now for my reasons I been  gone for the last two months, lol.  My PC  had some hard times with an old hard drive and I just felt I had to just clean up old files and  things would be fine.  My  drives are well organized and I run  more than one hard drive in my PC, but the main hard drive  reached it's end so things went poof, along with my main rough drafts of my blog and other writing I had done.  I did manage to  access some files I needed that I really needed,  but  not everything, lol.   But, it is not the end of the world,  I did find that I copied part of my rough draft of this blog post here at least in a saved post unpublished, and so I was able to continue with it,  lol.  ...so YAY!!!


 

BIG "TY" TO CATHY AND STRETCH FOR THEIR HELP BRINGING ME BACK TO FULL ONLINE FUNCTION!!! 

I  did get a hard drive to fix my PC, and great thanks to a dear friend for that.  I can continue my work now and keep in touch with the jewels of my life's crown.  Friends are like jewels in a crown to me, and just like I am able to see the girl in the mirror that I no like to see,  some jewels I have in my life have some special "facets" that gives me a reflection of me I feel so much more comfortable with than what I do see in the mirror, I feel I am still the me I remember in the "reflection" they give me.   I would not  be able to be happy without my life's jewels/my friends,  they all are so precious to me and  they  show me that love is a great thing this world still has all around. Loving friends together sure can bring on the full balance of life no matter what the obstacles that life lies before any one of us.  Again, ty for helping me, allowing me to help others in turn!  o:')

THE GIRL IN THE WINDER,  LOL

So I must say it is so great to be back online and be slowly regaining my momentum I had before, lol.  I still am just half ways through reinstalling everything I had and use practically everyday. I did have to use Linux once again to check email, lol. Live CD is great but  I just wish it was more like Windows like I am so used to running, lol.  I will learn Linux one day and not be so lost, but for now I am so happy to have my old Windows XP 32 bit again, lol.  I  do  hope to get Win 7 64bit someday, in due time as always, lol.  I will be saving my pennies to pay Bill Gates for his awesome Winders 7 Pro 64bit!!  :D  (yes I said "winders"  LOL)

For now, I must cut this one short since I am still installing stuffs and must get back to my work in Second Life building for our team camp along the virtual Relay Track for the Relay For Life event. I will be posting  pics on Facebook, so do check when you can for updates!

Bye for now everyone, *big hugs to all*  ~Jenn  o:)

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR - part 1

POST TRIMMING AND CUTTING IT IN HALF, LOL

Recently I have been posting very long blog posts, mostly due to the very deep subjects I been running through my mind in recent months. This blog post I been working on is no different, but has been put on hold due to a recent bout with a head cold that lasted a solid week and longer with the left overs of getting better, lol. So now, I decided to section off my blog draft into smaller posts. I feel for the sake of my readers, that it is best to keep posts shorter so no one will feel overwhelmed by such a large article, lol.  Yes,  I know,  you all are welcome,  I  tend to get wordy on things and  run on with typing on things that make little sense at times, but I feel I mean well on what I have to say. So now,  on to the first part of my blog post.   o:)

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR

Oh how we take things for granted in life at young ages. Even those who are in their middle age, who never use skin care products, yet have that 17 year old looking skin, that pisses off everyone at their high school reunions.  Many do not know the value of the little things in life. Having hair, ability to walk, can drive all day on a long trip, ....to speak,  these are a few of several things many take for granted they have in their lives. How many girls out there really enjoy shopping for a bra?  Oh the choices!...:  wire, non-wire, cross strap,  wide strap, gel strap, convertible, strapless, padded, ...shall I continue? .....sports bra, nursing bra, ...and mastectomy bra.           Does anyone know what a mastectomy bra is?  Mmhmm,  those who don't most likely, yet unknowingly, take it for granted they don't require such a bra.   It is purely an example of  things taken for granted. 

A CLOSER LOOK

Take a look in the mirror, close enough to see your pores. If you are young, you most likely won't see a single wrinkle. But some do see every detail and flaw in their own face many or all others will never even notice. Some of us can't ignore the scars we see, no matter how obscure they are. Some of us have scars we wish we could hide, scars that run deeper than the scar tissue itself,  ...I know this type well. It becomes a psychological issue that  hampers  progression in   ..self acceptance of this "new you" post illness, or any other reason you feel you are disfigured to yourself in the mirror.  I must be honest with you,  I deal with this issue everyday since my battle with cancer turned for it's worst. Even though now I am with an "all-clear" status, I can not help seeing the obvious. The damages are permanent, scars a bit darkish, but some creams do help with that, as does make-up, or an over-sized hoody sweatshirt when the weather permits, lol.

REFLECTION OF A SURVIVOR

I am working on my issues, so no worry on my welfare just yet. This journey of healing I'm on is still well underway!  The girl in the mirror is pure perspective, but maybe  it is this girl I see as another person I met along the way, someone I came to know, yet still feel inside that I am still that girl I once was before. Sometimes that is just how it is for me, without the multi-personality thing going on, lol. I see this girl in the mirror,  as the survivor, a fighter, a girl more resilient than I ever was before. She has this hard serious look when I see this girl in the mirror, she has a familiar smile at times, and a lost yet very understanding look in her eyes. What I notice in her eyes, deeper still,  is her regret with what she sees, regret for not making the right choices before things became so bad. What I see when I look at her face,  is me, now. I wish I could accept her to be the same as I feel inside,  this girl in me, the one who feels trapped from simply going out without any care of how she looks.  At times, it does become confusing to speak as if it is a completely different person, this image I see in the mirror, but it is only a perspective of how I feel of what I see. But again, do not worry, it is work in progress towards acceptance.

NO ALARM!   ...I AM OK,  ...I THINK, LOL

I know many could simply take on the wrong impression by my words to become concerned of my psychological state. Am I ok? Am I stable?  Am I a basket case, a nutter?  The answer is hard to justify either way, but perhaps because the answer has been blurred to me,  to myself.   I can tell you,  I AM ok,  I am as stable as I ever was,  possibly more so now than before I got sick. I am not a basket case, but I can be an "Easter basket case" full of chocolate sweetness!, LOL. Ok, that was just way too cheesy, lol.  I am more of a nutter maybe, but a good nutter.  I do my best to be me, and be true to myself. I feel that is best. I would really think it best if I had a really good exfoliation mask that peels off the mess and leaves behind a fresh start with renewed skin, fully healthy, without scars, just as it all was before. LOL.  *Dreams*  lol.  :')

MEN IN WHITE COATS AND BUTTERFLY NETS....   STAND BY!

You know the funny thing to me now, is that I can think back to just a few years ago, and recall the time when I covered up my mirrors in the bathroom, so I would not see myself, would not see  how  messed up I got, the dark circled sunken eyes, the literally falling apart skin, the sores, discoloration of my skin and eyes.  I had to  hide myself from myself, so I would not give excuse to how I felt. I had to believe I was ok, somehow, and strive to get better, each day,  just  continue to try. It did get hard to keep going like that, but I owe my life greatly to my best friend Cindy for pulling me through that time, like many times she has done throughout my battle with cancer. I am better today on how I see myself, so don't think I am in need of a straight-jacket just yet, lol. I still have hope I can get to the place I need to be without having the "butterfly catchers" chasing me, at least not yet, lol.

Thank you for reading my crazy words of insane-wisdom. Much I write is also to help me get through some hurdles in life, and for others to find humor as I do between the struggles within the survival of life. I will have more on this mirror subject later on, but for now this is what I have complete since dealing with a head cold, which hampered my blog work a bit, lol. I may be good at multi-tasking, but I just can not sneeze, blow my nose every few minutes, cough up a lung and write, typing on my keyboard while having a headache trying to see text on my screen through watered up eyes, lol. If I added chewing gum, I would have experienced a mental overload, lol.

Bye for now and stay away from getting the cold!,  trust me, lol
*hugs you all*
Jennifer Wolf  o:)