Yes I am still around, still at home, still where I was since I last posted, back in October of 2014, lol. OMG, how time still flies by when it feels like its 50 years living it, yet you look back and wonder... "what... wait... its 2016?!!!!"
*big sigh*
Ya time tends to do that when you live the usual ups and downs of post cancer life, riddled with complications of old complications, that only cause further complications as time goes by on certain meds, that must be changed after a while, causing new problems with new side effects, and then you return to the original meds that now seem to give new side effects never before experienced! *pause to catch breath* ......all in all it's just complicated!
So, what has gone on
since I been, "still here"?
Well, I aged, I slept, I woke, I still am grateful each day I wake up and see another day, that has not changed. I also recently had my 30th birthday! WOW! Ya, what a milestone to experience, for sure! So there's that, I got to see Mammoth Lakes again last (late) summer as the temps began to cool actually, which was a nice change from the usual stuffs, like staying home, lol. It rained some, even hailed, and then it snowed for about 10 minutes, but none stuck, but that night was not restful, hail is loud on tents, along with wind that test your two tent stakes per corner idea, lol. I did tie a thin rope I used to use for this reason, from a tree to the tent, so I wont blow away, unless nature feels its my time to experience the myth of literally being blown away in a tent. All was good tho, but had a lil flooding in the tent, but this girl thinks smart (sometimes) and I set up on a slight hill, so I was dry, thanks to a huge tarp I brought, lol.
To get to the point of why I have returned to writing this is.. well, the "ups and downs" , especially lately. And they have seemed to be a bit on the extreme side of "average" this past year, especially these past couple months. So here I am, putting it to text, so it helps me sort my thoughts on things.
Now to touch on what
these been for me....
I been doing better most times, been walking, eating well, so my weight has reached my target range, so I no longer need to gain up, so there's that. I been doing oks with my hypoglycimia too, not had to take a glucose shot for a long while now, thanks to healthier diet and walking, and minimal exercise I do. All in all I been doing ...oks.
Now the down
side of things....
I had some spots found in a scan last summer, and that was by far the scariest time I experienced last year. I did go thru some treatments, but not for "months" this time, and it was successful they said.
*fears subside*
So we went on a camp trip as soon as I was cleared to do so. It was truly fun and despite how I felt, I pushed myself to hike a little and even ride my bike too. I had to get back to my recovery I reached before going in a bad "down", so I pushed hard of course. I am still to this day trying to get back to where I reached.
[text message]:How u been?
[me]: oh, I'm doing ok... o:)
After returning home, I did my best to focus on the good, and not think at all of what bad I still had to deal with, so I just basically put a bandaid on the issues and ran thru the motions of coping with them and in my way, pretended all was back to my normal. When asked how I was doing, I would simply respond with, "I'm doing ok" ...which often got me that "just 'ok'?" response, lol. Yes, I have been "ok", but I know the power of suggestion, be it out loud/literal, or just mental, it is how I get thru my time, and I choose to be ok, so I am just that, "ok".
Now saying I am "ok" is telling the truth honestly, it is by no means telling a lie, but it is not admitting to being great and healthy or being bad and sick. It just means I am ok with how I am, , which can actually be a good thing at the moment, or with a headache (most cases lately) in another moment, or simply that I woke up that day sick and puking and I feel much better, for the moment, bringing back to my valid answer of saying that I am "ok".
Does Worry have hair?
Sooo.... anyhoo, here is whats got me by the worry hairs lately... My last few blood tests have been a bit out of range. Not just on my liver function, but on some other stuffs too. To spare you on details, I'll admit I am not up to disclosing the exact numbers and stuffs here, since I am honestly not going to look thru the result papers to decipher what each thing means, but what they show is, some "markers" are showing again. Now, the first time this happened, I had to go in for another test, a week later. That one did not show anything, other than my liver function was still "off" a bit, so I went back on the prednisone, but they gave me twice my dose I used to take.
Wut R U on now?!
Prednisone can suck in so many ways, but it is different for others. I basically get bad headaches, and at times cant keep food down. Some days I feel like I have a flu, others Im ok but my brain is far from clear. This aspect of this med is one reason I stopped writing here. I was on "pred" then, and it frustrated me to no end to try writing (writers block to the extreme), so I stopped all that frustrated me, and that turned out to be almost everything I used to do, lol.
Am I on it now? ....yup.
I just learned to deal with it, but really, I just learned to function between the crap times and just work on the good moments of my day. Those moments I focus on to feel "ok" about my day as night comes and dinner time arrives to possible visits facing the toilet yet again. Thankfully its not often so it has not affected my weight so Im still maintaining that, so.. Im "ok"!
Vampires!
they dress like nurses!
I kno, I seen them!
Back to that blood test thing... Third times a charm, well, maybe not a charm, it came back showing the markers again. I had to be scanned again, this time full body, so ya, that was done. They found only those spots that are "not active", but, I had a swelling under my right ribs that my doc concluded I slept wrong, which lately I have been doing, (fetal position) since I been dealing with some bad headaches. The scary thing of all this is, I feel that lump under my ribs just as I did back when I felt it with that horrific pain, that kept me awake for days at a time, back when I was fighting cancer. It is not a fun feeling to feel this, as it is far too close to de-ja-vu for me. So far, they (docs) have been keeping a close eye on my progress, and I even send emails thru the health chart site they have me on, so I post my conditions on a daily rate there for them. The swelling was around the bile duct, where I still have a stent, so, having that and bending too far is not all that great, even tho its small!
Docs online and...
why are bottle caps so hard to twist!
It is greatly important to be cooperative with the docs and their new online systems they use so they can better care for you. I am glad my docs use this tech so I can feel better they at least know my daily "goings-on" and can arrange my appointments based on what they see in my daily posts to them, or to my charts as they call it.
Oh... another thing, as I just now took a drink of water from my waterbottle, my hand has been hurting, simply to grip things, and I was told it was arthritis! Wut-the!?! Im just 30! *UGH*
So ya, had to add that, as it hurt bad twisting the cap off this water bottle just now, and hurt to tighten it. I mean, I'm not even twisting it too tight, it just hurts to tighten it a lil!
*whaaa* old age hitting too soon peoples!
Ahhh...complications!
...I get it now!
I know, some of you are prolly figuring it out right now. Yes, it is due to low liver function, going thru really bad times with cancer in the past, jaundice, bad atrophy, even the hypoglycemia, all contributes to bad joints, bad everything if u think on it long enough, lol. I just am still hoping for better days still, so my answer will still be "ok" if I'm asked how I am doing, if they catch me online, lol. And I mostly go online only when I am feeling my best that day, so ya, "ok" is what you get from me, as that is what I am focusing on at the time.
Still planning for "What-ifs"!!
...cuz u never know!
Whatever lies ahead for me, is something I am not going to put much worry in, as there is truly nothing I can do more than I am already doing to improve anything. I am already doing all I can do, and I will continue doing so until I can not do it for whatever reason. But to shortly put it this way, I am still fully prepared for the "what-if" side of life. I even have plans put forth in places like games I have spent time in,, so that what I created is still of use to those others who have come to enjoy it and that is a good thing for them to still have "if" something does ever happen. We all have our time, so why not keep things set up for those "what-ifs" if I was already prepared that before? It is far easier for me to maintain my position of preparedness than to let it fall unprepared and have that to worry about when I can not longer do anything to fix it. So I set it up now when I can so its done and set.
We all are born in debt!!
I kno, I kno, morbid, but that is life! deal with it! We all owe death a visit, so its not like anyone is exempt from death. It is actually best to have it far easier for your loved ones to have your side of things in order so they wont have to deal with excessive loose ends when after your time comes. It may be just me, but that's how I am. And this is what I am doing lately, as I know what the 5 year survival rate is for such cancer cases as I had/have/had?/have?/you-know-what-I-mean! Im at 3 years, 3 months-ish already since I was told "all-clear", so, lets see how things go in a couple years! I plan to be far better, but I do in fact plan for the worst but hope for the best. And it is by no means like spending my life dieing, but only being prepared so I can live in peace without worry of this mess for those left behind. But then too, I will also be prepared for greatness to come my way too, should I need to remember everything I may come to forget, I can return to things easily and not leave anything out. Passwords are a pain to remember sometimes and that's part of my plan book. Just as it is part of my "What-if" Protocol notebook as well! ;)
Turned 30 but feel 70!
Hand me my walker, I gotta pee!
For now, I need to rest my hand from typing, I have not typed this much at once lately and I can sure feel it right now. It is hard to make a fist without pain, so I need to soak them in hot water with Epsom salt or something, lol. So much for knitting with yarn when I get truly old, lol. My hands are already a mess, now to plan something different for my senior age plans! LOL. They even hurt when I chat for a long while too, but I never really let it get to me, I enjoy chatting with friends, but this old girl is a mess , lol. ...old... 30... heh!
I will try to post more as things turn up in these recent times of extreme "ups and downs" so if and when I can I will work on this between my headaches and stuffs I been dealing with daily. Lets just hope for the best. Im just trying to get well, and get through some hard times but I will be "ok" so no worry yet! I not given up since late 2008, and I sure not going to give up now! But when you gotta go, you gotta go! ...take that one for what it's worth, lol :P
Thank you for reading, and be well!
Bye for now all, *big hugs*
~Jennifer Wolf o:)
