A scare from tests, a biopsy, and found Love within the insanity. This is my life's journey this month!

~From fear to calm, from pain to love~

 

First off, this blog post involves writing that I worked on during the past month, spanning from October and on into November. So really, more than a month's time.  Almost each chapter is a new entry in this journey of fear, anxiety, worry, pain, and eventually, discoveries of loving friendships. It has been quite a month, so sit down, relax, and take a little ride thru  my latest  travels along life's path. It still amazes me to re-read it.  I hope you enjoy!   o:')

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~One year of "All-Clear"!! Yay!!!

"Anniversary" blood test results "not normal"

...CRAP!!!~

Hi everyone, welcome to fear factor, I'll be your host, Jennifer Wolf, ...AND I will also be the only contestant!


....Ok, no one would want to play this game, trust me, and I kno many who understand and are going thru the very same fears as I am. I am far into the fear, the anxiety, and I have many reasons to be. First off, I just celebrated my first year of "all-clear" this past Oct 30^th. So, yay!!.


Now, as my doc set me up for an appointment with the vampire (blood test), I figured, things will prolly be a lil off, since I not been feeling as well as I know I should. Now, I will explain. I have to watch my sugar intake, I tend to drop sometimes and have to either eat a candy or take a glucose tablet. In the last month alone, I had to go as far as requiring the glucagon shot. I not had to need that for many months now. So I kno, there is something a lil off. I been a lil tired lately, so, on one visit, they did a test of my heart, I had to go on two machines so far, one is that EKG, other I really cant remember the name. My heart is around 80% efficiency, which is a lil better than it was before, but as some know, hard treatments can screw things up in the fight against the cancer in you. I had to stop hard treatments because of this, even tho they wanted to keep going. I chose to stop. I still made it tho, I still reached an all-clear. But was told the risk for relapse was that much more possible.


Now from all I been told and all I have read, everywhere, the cases similar to mine has a high chance of relapse within the first year. Survival rate alone was extremely low as it was, and I got that far, but I will see on the "tenth" year of survival for a full idea on that fact still, lol (yes, there are complications that can continue problems after an all-clear is given after fighting certain cancers, like mine, that can make surviving hard to reach ten years sometimes, so time will tell, but when I do reach that tenth year, I will know, I am finally, in the clear!). So, I will say to you, I truly question, how many chances does one have at winning the lucky card of survival? I had many in my life as it is, how long will this streak last? I just got to this point of regaining health where I feel I can get better and I feel I do in fact have a chance of living a normal life one day.


So now, I have this blood test, and a few days after, my friend gets a call, ...that I have an appointment with the radiology. The fact the date was not far at all from that call, told me something was bad.





The scan takes a while, as it is the PET/CT scan, and I am nervous beyond words to say the least. I am told, as always, I must wait for results, and they will call if anything is found. This just sounds like a truly bad suspense movie, I just want to get up and walk right out of this theater and not ever go back to this movie! I just can't tho, I am the damn main character! CRAP!!! *yells as writer and directer* "CUT!!!!!!!"

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~The wait, the call, the wait, the suspense, the non-stop thoughts and fear.... Halp!!!~

I get home, after being turned into the human compass, and I swear if I float in a pool, I will point north. Those scans are scary when u watch those insane videos on youtube about how strong those electro-magnets are on those scan machines. Soo, I wait. Day one, nothing. I cant sleep. Day two, My friend gets a call. I was not with her when she got that call, but how she came to me when she got home, told me something was definitely wrong. She tried to not make me feel its bad, by the way they told her they just "want to be sure, but they..." ya, that's where my heart dropped, at the "but". There is always a "but" somewhere in bad comings of bad news. It is just like how they say about the word "assume" They teach you that little phrase to remember how to spell it and a lesson of it's use at the same time.... "If you assume, it only makes an ASS out of U and ME". It is an example for my phrase of the word "but" in any news anywhere. "Assoon assyou see the word 'but' come around, something is about to STINK!" Mebbe I hung around my brother too much , but that's the way the "gas flows". Butt seriously ppl, hide the beans from my bro, lol. He knows my humor, and he is laughing beside me as I type this actually. :)


Soo, Cindy continues saying, they want to be sure, but they suspect an abnormality. I had to go in for a visit. October was not fun in many ways with docs, let me tell you. My heart I am pretty sure, averaged over 100BPM on average at full relax. I am sooo not exaggerating too. The chest pains I had off and on thru this fiasco told me I was pushing it hard on the fear factor. So the wait to see the doc began. The wait to see the doc to hear details begins. The wait, , again.....

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~Why when they say "there's nothing serious, 'but', we must do a biopsy", I freeze up and almost panic?~

So I get to the doc, and as soon as I get called in, we follow the nurse to the lil room. In it is my file, which is getting thick so wont fit in the door file holder. Usually they just use the "current" folder, but again, this is where I panic, since they had the whole mess on the table by the sink. Last time I saw all that, was right before I had my last major surgery. So, panic time!


The doc turns on the monitor and opens up files, and soon I see a myself in ways I usually don't see, my innards. He zooms into my abdomen, shows where I my last operation was, from last February, removing the cyst with ovary and tube. This time, a 3cm cyst was on the outer wall of my uterus. It looked "massy", and different from the other two cysts ( both less than 1cm and barely noticeable) that were "normal" (LOL), but those were not flagged for concern. Those two were not in the same place, but up by the area of my liver where they did a few operations in. Those were described as normal fluid type cysts, most common in areas of scar tissue. ..."O---K.."


They go to the one they want to discuss about doing a biopsy on in the scan shot on the screen and discuss more on it, and asked how I felt, questions of my monthly times (erratic to non existent still), if I had probs with pain, and bloated feelings. I seriously had none of that, out of the mess I already experience. I wrote down all my questions for the doc to read, all I was curious about, and he answered all but one. Will I lose another ovary? Will I need to worry of a relapse? Will this be something that will push me back on my progress to regain my health, dealing with yet some more trauma to my system that my health will have to take another year to regain?


The doc couldn't answer that last question. I have what the doc calls, low function liver, I must still take nutritional supplements to aid in my health regain, and basically, to sustain as normal life as possible without more problems, like jaundice, as I did have before. The liver is very resilient, but the numbers are still not where they shud be for me, so is why I am still on the prednisone, even at low dose, but I am also dealing with other probs left over from the initial messes of the journey thru hell. I have not given up, I will not give up, so, good days will be reached no matter what.

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~The wait continues, and now for the biopsy surgery in two weeks!!!! ...Oh how I wish I cud be healthy and normal! :(    ~

................waiting...............worry sets in deeper.............waiting..........anxiety attacks...........can't sleep............... .....Haaalllp!!!


Ok, so, I try to busy myself in Rift, a game much like World of Warcraft, and I have been playing this game for over a month at this point. I had mentioned of meeting new friends there. The game can be a place of volatile occurrences, and so goes with everything on the side of real life coupled with a MMO game. So, things can be an "up and down" there as anywhere else, and stress can in fact do u bad, no matter how much u try to not allow it's effect. I may not make sense, but Im sure, I know what I mean. Anyhoo, the game gets to that point I don't see the fun as before, and I just watch netflix to relax, but I just tend to think too much with movies and the anxiety starts up again. I need to find better shows to watch, lol. Mebbe I just need someone to simply listen to me when I need to talk about whats eating at me inside at times (figuratively speaking).


Well, time gets close, and the anxiety is beyond what I figured on. I just need to relax but I cant. I try, but I cant. Many ups and downs during this time and the stress level is thru the roof. Fear and hope, heartaches and anxiety, worry and everything else added in that all totals out where I am in life, and the "bad" , simply just comes to a head at this point. I just can not do this anymore. It is truly wearing me down, and I must know things will be ok. That I can get my life back on track, but this operation, I kno will only push me back a far way that will only prolong my inability to do what I want for my life, and delay my efforts even more.


How can someone my age find someone to share my life with, when my life is so unfair to anyone who remotely cares for me already? How can I want to find love, when being loved by someone is truly being selfish on my part, while my health problems are a true source of fear and worry for them. ....So, is wanting to be loved by a significant someone only for my own satisfaction of being loved? It is just not fair for both sides of the subject. I want to have a life, I want to get out, earn a paycheck, go places, see friends, be able to feel comfy with people seeing me, and I want to fix my skin, my face , the scars, the mess I see. I want to afford to pay my bills, to buy a home, to go on vacations. I want to get married, to truly extend my heart to the one who can really accept it and see the full value of the love within me. I am trapped here. This illness crap is my own prison. And I feel at this point, my life sentence, is life without love, intimacy, , and after more surgery, life, without parole.

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~Friends sure do help tons, and those u love, even if just around you, can ease the soul's misery.~

I do have amazing friends, and I can not ever thank them all enough. Even if my journey is so confusing to them, even if my life is just too crazy, they find ways to help calm me, and ease away the fears. I had great support along the way, especially in the last couple days before the day of surgery, I truly had a torrent of support, and time with people who really do care. I felt myself falling near the end of this recent hell in my mind, but sometimes you are amazed by those who prove they do truly care and love you enough to reach far enough to bring you back from the hole u felt you were in too far deep to be found. I can not put into words of the things friends have done for me, and I will always be searching for ways to express how I feel.


So. with so much good on my mind these past couple days, I felt much better going in the hospital on this day I was fearing so much, for so long, to have a cyst removed for biopsy, to find out if it is a bad kind or whatever. I still was terrified, I was still fearing bad news, but I am so glad it is now over. I was told I had nothing to worry about by the surgeon who saw me in recovery. The nurses were very nice too. Now the wait for results begins.

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~The final score is in! Ty for playing "fear factor" ...a game here you never know what to expect, good, or bad, or both! But the final result , is great!~

So the day now comes, and I have been thru a ton in the last few days besides this waiting and everything having to do with health, so, I will get to the great news. I could not sleep the night and early morning before today's afternoon appointment for the results with the doctor. So when I felt I was about to fall onto my keyboard, I logged off and fell asleep. I was then woken up to get ready to go, and I saw only an hour had passed and I had ten minutes to wake up, get dressed, and in the car to get to the doc's. The trip to and from the doc was about an hour or so and as soon as I got back home I set my clock and knocked out. I had to wake to tell my friends of the great news. And now I type it to you all here. :)


It was nothing but a cyst, benign, and only 28mm (just under 3 cm). It's location was in an area of concern years ago during my cancer journey, as during this time i had small tumors in places as they called them, along with several cysts. Years later and crazy treatments and insanity later, they all but gone and only cysts remain here and there. So, this one that looked irregular, was nothing more than that, just a cyst. I am so very relieved and happy!




I want to have a good ending to the painful path I have traveled on during this time in the fight for my life, the last 5 years. I have had nice times along the way, but knew it could only be for so long, but this time, it truly feels good, and I feel better times are in my future for sure. For now, I must get going, so, I bid you all a good night or day, and I thank you for reading my latest chapter of my journey.

*big hugs to all*

~Jennifer Wolf o:)

Where have I been? I think I got lost, mebbe...

 

 

A Lost Girl, An Unknown Journey Ahead, And a few Frustrations to Pewpew!

Hi everyone,   I know it has been  like,  three months,  but   life just gets interesting  at every turn of each day. Even days where nothing seems to occur!  Ya,  I been  on a breather from my usual activities online,  I have had a lot of thinking to do,   frustrations to sort (resolve still pending *grrs*), and baddies to  pew pew.   I been lost in my head lately, but Im finding my way,  one "baddie" at a time!

I am at that point where I am walking better. I know, big yay moment,  and I am happy about it,  but due to  some other drawbacks of the damage done, I am still unable to really get back to the work I once did.  I have options, but none seems to be the right thing for my  vision of my  future, and I do not want to just jump in to get out in haste and be sorry later on. I want to  think, I want to   find the answer I seek,  the  door  to open to my beginning of life,  again.

It is of  unknown proportions that effort that will be required,  and I have the drive to  succeed,  but  things  get in the way, but I  overcome each as they  appear, but  I end up in the same place,  each day.  In my room,   by my pc,  wondering what I should do next for the moment.  Do I watch a show on netflix?,  shall I write in my blog?,   Shall I update my  job search status,  again?,   shud I just log into Rift and kill some baddies to  make me feel   I  let some  built up steam  caused from all my frustrations?  I  tend to   find funny ways to  release  stress,  and   in the past,  it was World of Warcraft,  and  these days,  I  have  tried  a game called Rift,  it is fun, very much like WoW,  but   more  in early stages of development  compared to WoW. It is   awesome and I am a hunter,  and so there lies the  meaning of,  "pew pew"   as the arrows  go pew from my bow,  killing the baddies, lol.

Shall I get rest now and then?  Shall I  try to level my character more before I sleep?

Times can play funny things on the mind when in situations of  thot, while in a place you wish to move on from in your real life, as things pile up on you keeping you  in place.  I will not give up trying,  but OMG,  let me get  going already!  So,   to take breaks from  my  unrelenting thoughts of figuring what I can do,  as I look up one link after another,  apply,   get  rejections,  one , after another, after another....,    and  just   , at times I find myself buried in my pillow,  just  tired, mentally, and I cry,   for hours.

What  can a girl do to  stop this?  She plays  an MMO game!  Ya,  I  found  killing baddies  has a therapeutic aspect to it,  even tho the baddies are only pixels battling  pixels, lol.  Everything these days  has a user interface,  and my life lately  has been   utilizing  a UI from  an MMO,  called Rift.   Now put  my frustrations,  together with meds I still take,  and  my mind that never stops, and a fun game,  and  you get  long play time to occupy  the mind enough to   not feel overwhelmed by the  insanity of real life situations at hand. What you get, is  me playing this game for  long periods of time,   restless,   yet tired,   focused,  to level, and help the group achieve quests and such.  I'm such a game nerd now huh?   Oh well,  so be it! Nuthin wrong wif it!!  *gives  the crazy eye stare*    o.O

I will say this,  even in an MMO,  you can still meet awesome people. and  create a bond unlike  usual friendships in games. Another thing is,  most players tend to be guys,  and are just there to goof around and  just be  silly and  do  nothings all day, lol.  Girls do play too, this one does (points to self),  and others as well. In WoW I met families,    married couples,  and their kids, young, old, middle aged, you name it. I felt  like part of a family instead of a group of  goofballs in WoW, and I  enjoyed my time with them.  I miss them  to this day, since I no longer play, to save money for bills that will never end, and I hope I never lose contact of the few I still have from WoW on my FB list.

Jewels, gems, ...and stars,  a new analogy of friends! 

"Take a falling star and put it in your pocket....."   What?! 28 straight hours in game?!  

:O

Rift has brought me two new friends,  and  as I have mentioned about gems you find along the way on your path in your journey,   my life's crown  shines brighter with  them.   How I actually met one,  I  can't recall to be honest, I will have to get back to  that one in a bit, but  the first,  was  a guy who  grouped up with me and started helping me quest, and vise-versa. Before you knew it I was in his guild, and  so ended my play as a solo player.  Rift is  very quiet compared to WoW,  and  most  never talk,  so I  never try to be honest,  I am however there in this game to vent some  built up steam in my rl, but  here I am,  just   killing baddies, and I  find  friends when I was least looking. Sometimes  I find I trip on  great jewels  on my life's path, when I was not paying attention, lol.

Now  the second friend,  I  honestly can not  recall how I met,  but  she was this awesome healer in game,  and  I  do recall  the area, but   ,   meds  just  do bad things to my mind so I   tend to blank out  in moments  trying to remember things,  so  this be one.  Yes   meds do suck,   they   change the  moods,  change the  thots,   cause problems,  but keep u alive from  things  getting worst,  keeping   conditions  at a tolerable state to live life, but sometimes in a fog, lol.   So,  about this  new friend,    she   groups with me and I help pew pew best I cud,    and   far as I can recall her saying,  she liked how I controlled my pet,   and  ,  (blank) I no remember the rest, but she in my friend list,    then next thing,   she asks to join the guild.  Sometimes,   those  gems in your life just find their way in your pocket,  and you can not recall how  you got it in there, but the  feeling of joy to find such a jewel is the same,   one more to the crown!   Life  does get brighter from such gems in my life.

Now,   many  levels later,   this girl and I (I'll call her Star, Stargazer, as  that's her toon name) has grouped together  running quests,  killing badies,  she healing me as I  unleash my pewpew on big baddie mobs and  it has made  the game  so much more fun. I  have to say,  after  getting to know  friends better,  I  tend to separate the game from  real life and the game becomes just like any other communicative   format,  and  just like Secondlife,  we just  get into  convos   that have nothing to do bout the game, lol.  Its fun to  have girl talk, since I  talk to  guys mostly in games and  I   just   never get  time to be  with   my girly friends and chat  bout  stuffs like I used to, lol. Terminal illness can  find one with less friends in real life due to their not coping with it, or fears of it,  just  not wanting to  deal with knowing a friend is suffering. In the end I  found to be  with just a handful of real life pre-online existence friends left,  and all but my best friend/caregiver Cindy,  are guys!

So,   ty Star,   for  not only being awesome healer, but  being an awesome friend, and  staying  ingame, in the guild,  healing my pewpew butt for over 24hrs, straight, lol.   Never met anyone who can  stay up like I do, lol. I am  honored to know u,  and I see so much of me in you,    it is deja vu I sez!  Growing a bond with friends is a great thing,  and  being considered as your big sis has made me happy,  I  always  wanted a lil sis,  never had a sis in rl,  only my brother,  and I am grateful for him, and for having a sis too! Yay to having a sis!  :D  ..and she the best healer player I met too,  I so proud of u!

Mebbe  that's why I don't recall finding  this gem (my friend Stargazer),   this jewel  was a Star all along!  o:).

What to come next? What to do until then? What to find to poke in my ear to stop the insane thoughts of frustrations?!!  I'm just kidding..  And did this blog not  turn out as small as I thought it would be?

 

I have  some  stuffs to  sort for sure, but one thing is certain, I do need to get my life on track, I do need to  be on my own,  pay my way,  be the "me" I once was,  somehow.    I am thinking about taking a class in ASL,  I am thinking of  winning the lottery,  I am thinking of  going back in time and kicking my ass for  not getting checked and dragging myself to the hospital to avoid this  insane experience.  I am thinking I think too much, and so  why I find ways  to cope,  ways to tune out,  ways  to overcome the struggles and their  misery they cause to one's mind. I must  move forward,  as  going back to fix my past is not an option. I will continue to be strong, to be driven to succeed,  to  overcome my failures along the way,  and  be better each time I try again,  and again, and again.  If I die trying,  at least I went down  fighting, to have the life I had before cancer interrupted  my  momentum.

For now,  I will play Rift,  I will keep  commenting on  FB posts as I  been doing, I will chat with my dear friends,  I will  still be  me as I  always been,  but  I  say this to all concerned....    Don't worry if things  get quiet in my routine of activity, don't worry if I  take more breaks from  one  thing or other,   or just not log in to  certain  places (SL and Iw), and don't worry  when my posts  are simply  me venting  to the world,  I  no mean  offense to anyone if I  get  harsh in words, I  always edit out that stuffs, but  who knows what may  pop up if the fog  gets thick. Sometimes I just miss  what I say or do and  people  get confused,  but,  never forget,  you are not the only one confused at the moment, in fact, I  have  been  confused for the past 5 years.  

Think of that perspective,  if you have never  dealt with  such illnesses before.  Its not easy to imagine,  just as I  think of those  going through worst,   I just  can not  imagine their struggles,  being so much worst than my own.  Our "worst" is  purely   personal perspective in comparison,  and one's  "worst moment" is a cakewalk to another,  and is an  instant life-ender to others.   We all have different measures to life's crap, and how we tolerate them.  Just as there are no two cancer cases the same, no two treatment protocols the same,  so is very similar to  tolerance lvls, no two are the same from one person to another.   

So to those dealing with your worst right now in your life,   let me offer my support,  chat with me,  and we can help each other in this hell together. Life is not all hard, it does get better,  I promise you that.  We are stronger together, not alone. I  love  my friends deeply for this very thing,  I am honored to have them in my life to lean on,  and I hope to  have my shoulder  available to them too.  We all need to lean on someone from time to time, and I  know I always try to be the one to help,  to  guard my friends from injury,  to  be  the protector from life's harm.  But when I got sick,  I  learned how  it feels to need  the help, and  be protected even from myself at times.  

I thank you  for the help,  everyone,   simply by reading this post and all others before,   it helps me  to know,    that my   journey  has given some   inspiration to  someone to  find the  few  green patches in their own life to  breath and regain the strength to  go on, and find the  better place to be.  In life, without  suffering.   Pew pew the baddies!!    ....and again, ty for reading my story. 

*hugs you all*

Jennifer C. Wolf    o:)

Relay For Life of Second Life!! o:)

Relay For Life of Second Life is about to begin. SL is a 3D virtual world social online format, and today is the World's largest event in any virtual format, raising funds going to ACS (American Cancer Society). This is the 100th year of ACS, and so is this year's theme, "Celebrating 100 Years Of Hope!" . This year we hope to see the all time total of $2million since 2005! I will be relaying on the virtual track, lighting luminarys along the way. I built the Hope Lodge along with our team at our team camp along the track, and on the info wall, has an info board showing badges from Is My Cancer Different? and clicking on them leads the clicker to the web site! My team in SL is RFL ADvocacy, and that is exactly what we do, advocate, and I am so happy to be here to have this chance, to live, to smile, to type this, to help others be sure they are SURE they are diagnosed correctly, get all answers answered, and get all tools to learn everything about their cancer/s. I love you all, and I am passing out smiles and hugs too ! *big hugs* Here's a few pics. 

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/969328_687649211261956_677156932_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1011295_685787264781484_825140468_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1069230_687649041261973_1396244592_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/47981_687649034595307_1137953919_n.jpg

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/972036_687649031261974_1830851050_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/944765_687649194595291_1407008358_n.jpg

for pics leading up to  and during the event, take a looky here!
https://www.facebook.com/jennifer.wolf.3994/media_set?set=a.671552542871623.1073741829.100000506492928&type=3

Join in to T1 Radio broadcasting the event. It is the least to do to join in, if you can not make it into SL.
http://www.t1radio.com/


To read more on Relay For Life of SL...
http://rflofsl.intuitwebsites.com/

My convio page,  where you can donate to RFL  and have a way to print a receipt to  turn in along with tax stuffs so this donation is tax deductible!    My story is  on this page,   please   read,  and  remember those   lost,   and fighting today.   *hugs* 

TY for reading ,

*bug hugs and love to all*    ~Jenn o:)

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR - part 2 ...and more PC fun, lol

First off,  I'M BACK!!!!   :D       LOL

THE FACES OTHERS SEE IN THEIR OWN MIRRORS

Many are known for their faces, some so recognizable that strangers take second looks and smile to their own little accomplishment of knowing someone they never met, but recognized only by looks alone from fame or simply sharing the same times on a sidewalk commute day after day.  Many are known by their amazing things they do, extraordinary service for others, above and beyond the call of their respected duties. Those who serve in the military,  fire department, or even the police.  My Godfather was a Los Angeles police officer, I will not disclose his division.  Many things turned bad, told to me by my dad when I was little, so my knowledge is still based on my childhood perspective and comprehension. My brother got to know him better than I did, even knew him back when he was still on the force. Unfortunately, there was corruption going on deeply in the ranks of his division, and many of those who did not avert their eyes to the internal crimes, were "dealt with", targeted, threatened, and for some, well...    My God-father is a good man, I remember him as so but long ago, and I know that much only by what time I did know him he could not possibly do the bad many around him were guilty of.  He was one of the good ones in fact, even earned the Metal of Valor, yet he was still harassed,  and threatened years later when his time came to be called to testify against the guilty. He has since moved and we not heard from him in many years, but I do hope he is doing well.  

MEDIA STUFFS, INTERNAL STUFFS...    IS ALL FULLY KNOWN THESE DAYS?

The media focused on key stories that involved the corruptions in that division, but much of all that occurred, remained  hidden from main media, and so was resolved, eventually.  This mess of events, which really began long before, was before the time my family moved from L.A.   So...  people are known for their  actions, their choice to do the right thing no matter what threats go towards them. The media, mainly the parts that mention more details, mention of those who stood up for the right, those who testified,  those who faced life changing risks, those who are only known for what they did, rather than by their faces or their looks alone. My Godfather, among others,  never were mentioned by name for what they did,   which was, to believe in the  reason they were given their badges to begin with, belief in justice,  the right thing,   morality of society,  even tho that is at times hard to believe exists in this day and age with all the shootings and killings going on.

WORDS FROM ONE END IS WORTH WORDS FROM THE "OTHER" END IF NOT FILTERED THROUGH THE HEART!!!

Everyone who is known for one thing or other involving "goodness" all have one thing in common,  they have hearts. Unfortunately not all think or "speak" with or through their heart but only from the dark  areas of their mind and that only spawns bullying, and  social degradation, especially on the many online formats of communications (too many to mention).  If only  everyone could speak to each other online the same as they would if  having a face-to-face conversation, then things might be a bit different in today's online world.  Along with advocating cancer awareness,  as well as other health disorders, I also support and will be advocating more on Anti-bullying, and will continue to just be me,  being just one example of online existence that is based on living life to it's fullest, with smiles, happiness of surrounding atmosphere online and even in real life, and words of loving nature with care and passion, as well as understanding and acceptance.

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR...  WHERE SHE BEEN?!!!

Now for my reasons I been  gone for the last two months, lol.  My PC  had some hard times with an old hard drive and I just felt I had to just clean up old files and  things would be fine.  My  drives are well organized and I run  more than one hard drive in my PC, but the main hard drive  reached it's end so things went poof, along with my main rough drafts of my blog and other writing I had done.  I did manage to  access some files I needed that I really needed,  but  not everything, lol.   But, it is not the end of the world,  I did find that I copied part of my rough draft of this blog post here at least in a saved post unpublished, and so I was able to continue with it,  lol.  ...so YAY!!!


 

BIG "TY" TO CATHY AND STRETCH FOR THEIR HELP BRINGING ME BACK TO FULL ONLINE FUNCTION!!! 

I  did get a hard drive to fix my PC, and great thanks to a dear friend for that.  I can continue my work now and keep in touch with the jewels of my life's crown.  Friends are like jewels in a crown to me, and just like I am able to see the girl in the mirror that I no like to see,  some jewels I have in my life have some special "facets" that gives me a reflection of me I feel so much more comfortable with than what I do see in the mirror, I feel I am still the me I remember in the "reflection" they give me.   I would not  be able to be happy without my life's jewels/my friends,  they all are so precious to me and  they  show me that love is a great thing this world still has all around. Loving friends together sure can bring on the full balance of life no matter what the obstacles that life lies before any one of us.  Again, ty for helping me, allowing me to help others in turn!  o:')

THE GIRL IN THE WINDER,  LOL

So I must say it is so great to be back online and be slowly regaining my momentum I had before, lol.  I still am just half ways through reinstalling everything I had and use practically everyday. I did have to use Linux once again to check email, lol. Live CD is great but  I just wish it was more like Windows like I am so used to running, lol.  I will learn Linux one day and not be so lost, but for now I am so happy to have my old Windows XP 32 bit again, lol.  I  do  hope to get Win 7 64bit someday, in due time as always, lol.  I will be saving my pennies to pay Bill Gates for his awesome Winders 7 Pro 64bit!!  :D  (yes I said "winders"  LOL)

For now, I must cut this one short since I am still installing stuffs and must get back to my work in Second Life building for our team camp along the virtual Relay Track for the Relay For Life event. I will be posting  pics on Facebook, so do check when you can for updates!

Bye for now everyone, *big hugs to all*  ~Jenn  o:)

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR - part 1

POST TRIMMING AND CUTTING IT IN HALF, LOL

Recently I have been posting very long blog posts, mostly due to the very deep subjects I been running through my mind in recent months. This blog post I been working on is no different, but has been put on hold due to a recent bout with a head cold that lasted a solid week and longer with the left overs of getting better, lol. So now, I decided to section off my blog draft into smaller posts. I feel for the sake of my readers, that it is best to keep posts shorter so no one will feel overwhelmed by such a large article, lol.  Yes,  I know,  you all are welcome,  I  tend to get wordy on things and  run on with typing on things that make little sense at times, but I feel I mean well on what I have to say. So now,  on to the first part of my blog post.   o:)

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR

Oh how we take things for granted in life at young ages. Even those who are in their middle age, who never use skin care products, yet have that 17 year old looking skin, that pisses off everyone at their high school reunions.  Many do not know the value of the little things in life. Having hair, ability to walk, can drive all day on a long trip, ....to speak,  these are a few of several things many take for granted they have in their lives. How many girls out there really enjoy shopping for a bra?  Oh the choices!...:  wire, non-wire, cross strap,  wide strap, gel strap, convertible, strapless, padded, ...shall I continue? .....sports bra, nursing bra, ...and mastectomy bra.           Does anyone know what a mastectomy bra is?  Mmhmm,  those who don't most likely, yet unknowingly, take it for granted they don't require such a bra.   It is purely an example of  things taken for granted. 

A CLOSER LOOK

Take a look in the mirror, close enough to see your pores. If you are young, you most likely won't see a single wrinkle. But some do see every detail and flaw in their own face many or all others will never even notice. Some of us can't ignore the scars we see, no matter how obscure they are. Some of us have scars we wish we could hide, scars that run deeper than the scar tissue itself,  ...I know this type well. It becomes a psychological issue that  hampers  progression in   ..self acceptance of this "new you" post illness, or any other reason you feel you are disfigured to yourself in the mirror.  I must be honest with you,  I deal with this issue everyday since my battle with cancer turned for it's worst. Even though now I am with an "all-clear" status, I can not help seeing the obvious. The damages are permanent, scars a bit darkish, but some creams do help with that, as does make-up, or an over-sized hoody sweatshirt when the weather permits, lol.

REFLECTION OF A SURVIVOR

I am working on my issues, so no worry on my welfare just yet. This journey of healing I'm on is still well underway!  The girl in the mirror is pure perspective, but maybe  it is this girl I see as another person I met along the way, someone I came to know, yet still feel inside that I am still that girl I once was before. Sometimes that is just how it is for me, without the multi-personality thing going on, lol. I see this girl in the mirror,  as the survivor, a fighter, a girl more resilient than I ever was before. She has this hard serious look when I see this girl in the mirror, she has a familiar smile at times, and a lost yet very understanding look in her eyes. What I notice in her eyes, deeper still,  is her regret with what she sees, regret for not making the right choices before things became so bad. What I see when I look at her face,  is me, now. I wish I could accept her to be the same as I feel inside,  this girl in me, the one who feels trapped from simply going out without any care of how she looks.  At times, it does become confusing to speak as if it is a completely different person, this image I see in the mirror, but it is only a perspective of how I feel of what I see. But again, do not worry, it is work in progress towards acceptance.

NO ALARM!   ...I AM OK,  ...I THINK, LOL

I know many could simply take on the wrong impression by my words to become concerned of my psychological state. Am I ok? Am I stable?  Am I a basket case, a nutter?  The answer is hard to justify either way, but perhaps because the answer has been blurred to me,  to myself.   I can tell you,  I AM ok,  I am as stable as I ever was,  possibly more so now than before I got sick. I am not a basket case, but I can be an "Easter basket case" full of chocolate sweetness!, LOL. Ok, that was just way too cheesy, lol.  I am more of a nutter maybe, but a good nutter.  I do my best to be me, and be true to myself. I feel that is best. I would really think it best if I had a really good exfoliation mask that peels off the mess and leaves behind a fresh start with renewed skin, fully healthy, without scars, just as it all was before. LOL.  *Dreams*  lol.  :')

MEN IN WHITE COATS AND BUTTERFLY NETS....   STAND BY!

You know the funny thing to me now, is that I can think back to just a few years ago, and recall the time when I covered up my mirrors in the bathroom, so I would not see myself, would not see  how  messed up I got, the dark circled sunken eyes, the literally falling apart skin, the sores, discoloration of my skin and eyes.  I had to  hide myself from myself, so I would not give excuse to how I felt. I had to believe I was ok, somehow, and strive to get better, each day,  just  continue to try. It did get hard to keep going like that, but I owe my life greatly to my best friend Cindy for pulling me through that time, like many times she has done throughout my battle with cancer. I am better today on how I see myself, so don't think I am in need of a straight-jacket just yet, lol. I still have hope I can get to the place I need to be without having the "butterfly catchers" chasing me, at least not yet, lol.

Thank you for reading my crazy words of insane-wisdom. Much I write is also to help me get through some hurdles in life, and for others to find humor as I do between the struggles within the survival of life. I will have more on this mirror subject later on, but for now this is what I have complete since dealing with a head cold, which hampered my blog work a bit, lol. I may be good at multi-tasking, but I just can not sneeze, blow my nose every few minutes, cough up a lung and write, typing on my keyboard while having a headache trying to see text on my screen through watered up eyes, lol. If I added chewing gum, I would have experienced a mental overload, lol.

Bye for now and stay away from getting the cold!,  trust me, lol
*hugs you all*
Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Ranting Thoughts of the Left-Over Mind's Derailed Multi Tracked Ponders On Memories, Oh, and also a Letter to Myself

A TOUGH JOURNEY FOR THE SANE READER

This blog has probably gone through more edits and more rewrites than any other blog I wrote in the past and therefore has some odd areas with a lot I had to delete. Mainly due in part of how difficult it is to think back into times I much rather forget, but never will. Perhaps it is these times that has either molded me, or chiseled away at me to be who I am today. The fact I am currently listening to the very soothing music of Lindsey Sterling's "Crystallized" and "Song of the Caged Bird" on repeat tells me enough of how I feel going over this blog, adding to it, deleting parts, rewriting, or rather retyping. Music calms me, no matter if its rock music or classical, I love almost all genres, mostly because I love the artistry in music, and I can see the beauty in musical expression.

AM I THERE YET?

I been working on this post since the end of Feb, and it sure can be a pain to go back into my memories sometimes, because of either how difficult it was then, or from the fog that lines my many memories from what has happened in such times I try to clearly recall. I have been looking mostly forward lately, and that's a good thing for all of us to do, without forgetting where we came from of course. After all, we all have a story of our journey to where we are now in life. Some stories could fill the pages of a comedy novel, others a drama flick on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). Some life stories could appear to come from a Stephen King movie produced by Tim Burton, lol. Perhaps I may spare you of mine, since it covers all those areas to be honest... there's a reason I deleted those first blog posts mid way through my battle with cancer and I think its for the best to just not relive it all.

I THINK I PONDERED A THOUGHT, ...OH, NEVER MIND

The mind has such a complex way it thinks, how it processes surroundings, input from our senses, records them into memory, and then utilizes those memories to create dreams, involving the people you had past experiences in life with, like family, friends and even pets. Places we come to find our greatest smiles, and find our greatest happiness with those we love and cherish. Cherish, a word that, to me, indirectly describes just how we actually categorize, affectionately, those close loving people in our lives, or objects of sentiment, or even simply a certain moment in time we experienced. I cherished many "times" in my life, that is for sure, along with those whom I shared those times with. I even cherish those times that brought great sadness to me in ways I can not begin to explain right now, not directly anyways. I did type out a lot more here, but some things just might be best left in the past. So much deleted here actually, and it could have been far more than 5 pages on my Open Office document draft file so far.

TALK ABOUT HEAVEN ON EARTH

In the past, I used to go on long drives, to anywhere, but mostly found my jeep faced north and headed to Mammoth Lakes, CA, a very beautiful place, you just have to Google it to see for yourself. The Eastern Sierras, Owens Valley, White Mountains are in truth, my heaven. Yosemite is another place, as well as Sequoia/King's Canyon National Parks that hold that same value to me, because they do the same for me as the other places I just mentioned. These places make me feel free, free to be me, free to breath, release, scream, cry, laugh, or sit in total silence, without a single person passing me for days. Yes, I said scream, I know most of you know I'm mute now, but I wasn't always... I just feel a sting in my heart when I "say" something that implies a voice. In the many times I traveled on such drives to these places, most times I went alone or with my dog. I did take my best friend Cindy several times, as well as been to all these places with my brother long before I even had my license. Of course, in the last 4 years I went with both Cindy and my brother too.

A MISSING POINT, YOU LOST YET?      ...IF YOU FIND ME, PLEASE RETURN TO LOST BLOGS AND FOUND, TY!

So now for a different way to approach certain memories, my past, my experiences, in a very expressive way... one track of the mind, communicating to another. Odd, I know, but so is with life itself and how the mind sometimes recalls the times. Again, at this point I chose to delete a ton and it was hard to do so, but ultimately, it was what I felt was best and so instead, Ill just go to the "Letter" part of this blog, which touched some on what I chose to delete, lol. I had posted a version of this letter in comment On Facebook, in response to videos that were posted that were somewhat titled similar to what I will title this letter. I watched this video, and it triggered a ton of thoughts I had locked away for some time, and a rush of emotions hit me. The result is this letter I was inspired to write to my 16 year old self, following these videos.....

DEAR SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ME

*Marked Urgent*

I truly wish I could have a chat with 16 yr old me, I would have a very serious letter to hand me. In the letter, I'd say...

"Dear 16 yr old me, 

      When Cindy tries to set you up with someone from her drafting class, just say noooo thanks, trust me, he hangs out with a guy that hits Cindy and he ends up dumping you just because you almost busted his friend's nose. Always stretch properly EVERY SINGLE TIME before running in track and cross country, a pulled hammy sucks! I know right now you are struggling with what just happened a year ago in your life, don't let it get to you so bad and deep. Dad did his best and so did your brother and you know it. Don't live with fear from it, be strong, the danger has passed and you will never go through that ever again. Mom really don't hate you, its just her coping, but we know it's still the wrong way. It wasn't your fault like she says, so keep telling yourself that ok? Mom will realize that too and become a friend again one day, so never give up.

      On the bright side, you will get to fulfill some dreams when your 18! ...Ya, I know, another two years! Grrr! ...but you will make it, just be safe and never forget your jacket if you leave home in anger. Just know, in two years, you will reach those heights you dreamed of all these years hiking, you will finally reach the top of that peak you gazed at from your bedroom window. You also move out and in with Cindy during the summer when your 18, a tiny apartment, but hey, finally!, Right? Consider going on a gluten-free diet, its really better for you. You will get the chance to really get to know your brother's friends, even if you think they are all retarded right now, they are a bunch of great guys, even if one is a perv, he behaves himself, most of the time.

      You will get a jeep finally too, a cherokee, and your brother will help you build it up some, and it will be so awesome. Having the jeep and tools he gets for you come in handy, you must learn to use everything correctly. You will end up helping people along your travels who truly need help, so listen to what your brother says to you about everything he tells you, even his crazy stories, and learn. Follow your gut feelings when the time comes for you to help, and always be safer than sorry. And do read the whole green book your brother gets for you, what you learn from it will save you and can save others if you, again, listen to your gut feelings, trust me on this. Oh, and back up your pictures you take, never just rely on one hard drive, they go poof and its best to back up stuffs. You will wish you had all your pictures later on.

     Now this part will be very important, please read with an open mind and don't be afraid of the truth. In the next couple years, your dizzy spells will get worst, I remember we had one last year, after what happened, but we ignored it, thinking it was just stress. You really must go to the doctor for that, and keep going, never quit out of frustration. I know you more than anyone, so I know you will stop going anyway, since its nothing too serious at that moment. But, later on, again still when your 18, things will start to feel different, inside, you will get scared, this will be towards the end of summer, it will drive you to travel, and again, you will think its just stress. Do travel, and experience all you can, but do get checked, I beg this of you. From the time you are 18, until you are 20, you will do a lot of long drives on weekends, and on these drives you will do a lot of thinking, and pondering on your fears of what the truth may be.

      And now for that truth. At 22 you will be told you have liver cancer, and that you may not see 23. Oh you will anyways, but, at great cost. You may not think its possible now, but you will be revived twice during separate operations. That is surgery, and ya, revived from going flat-lined. It is super scary to think about still. You end up with several scars, several locations they went in through. Most will be on your right side. You have a stent in your bile duct, and you end up regrowing a big part of your liver. Crazy huh? Don't be stubborn and beat that damn fear, and just get checked before it gets so bad. You will survive, you are stronger than you think, it just doesn't have to be such a difficult battle, if only you just go get checked the moment you feel afraid of something not right. Also, the moment you do choose to get checked, go to St Mary's Hospital since it is the best hospital nearest you at the time, and when you are given choices, choose whats best, instead of whats closest, if you want to continue having a voice that works. And also, Loma Linda University Medical Center is the best!

     All of this should not even happen if you just go in sooner than age 22, so I beg you, go in before your 20. Trust me, waiting is not the right thing for you at all, it is the worst mistake I ever done, because what you are looking at when you see me, is you in eleven years after surviving that mistake of allowing your fears to stop you from going into the hospital when you should have, it wont count if you just sit in the hospital parking lot and then drive away. Do not allow your fears to develop that phobia, just go in. Be stronger now, you don't need to go through hell to be forged into the strong girl you will become. Love deep, love strongly and live wisely. Be sure to have your brother help Cindy take care of you. He will be around you anyway, but just let him know things will be ok. He takes this hard, so have faith in Cindy, because she has a gift of calm you never knew she had. Take care of me for me, ok?   ~Jenn o:) "

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF IT WAS POSSIBLE?

I know I can not turn back time with a letter, it just is not allowed within our known physics of time itself. But what a beautiful dream to be able to do. There is a reason I love stories and movies about time travel, even before I became sick. I just have a new respect for time now, and I do cherish every second I get in the now, every moment I have to smile, to breath, to hear my own heart beat in the silence of the night, to love every tomorrow I have hope for each today, and am thankful everyday I awake.

I know this post was a bit odd, but it is with the best expressive release I felt comfortable posting. I want to keep moving forward and never have anything hold me back from the past. If you made it this far, I want to say, thank you for getting through this with me. I truly appreciate all my readers.

Be well everyone,

*big hugs*

Bye for now

~Jennifer C. Wolf o:)

Wishies of a world without diseases and disorders.

The wish in a dream...

Before I begin, I need to find a tiara.
*finds an old plastic head band and grabs some foil*
 Yay!,   now for my little speech...

*walks to the end of the stage and types into the SGD (speech generating device) keyboard beside the mic*

"I want to help end world hunger,  and I truly would love to see a cure for world diseases in my lifetime. And I would also like to share a link to this e-book written by Kristin Ebey to those with first hand experience with Autism and other related brain disorders. Thank you all very much"

*accepts a bouquet of flowers as I throw a kiss to the crowd, and turns around to walk off-stage*

A girl can dream, can't I?! ...Ok, back to reality, lol... It would be nice if beauty queen stereotype-speeches would include more wishes of world disease/disorder cures too, and if I could be worthy of my little homemade tiara as well, LOL.   Some examples of diseases off the top of my head that need cures are:  Cancer,  Diabetes,  AutoImmune Disease, and brain disorders, such as Asperger’s Syndrome (Autism), ADD/ADHD, and even Bipolar and Schizophrenia. There are so many more health issues than I listed that are in need of a cure and if I had a magic genie lamp, I would be sure to spend my wishies wisely.

...Wise wishies, ...wishy wisdom.  *giggles*  ...I'm a nutter, I know, but a good nutter with a heart, so I hope you see that quality in me throughout my blog and journey.   o:)

Choosing the best path

I know in this day and age, we tend to rely heavily on medical prescriptions that treat symptoms of diseases  or even simple ailments, prescriptions that are artificially made and can contribute more symptoms themselves to add to the list of health problems over the initial problem/s. I know this  vicious cycle well,  but I now take much less meds than before and am getting better, slowly, but time will tell for me, I still have a long path to travel after all. I am thankful for making it through my journey, which did include un-natural treatments, meds, you name it, but also included alot of natural things. Natural things such as fruits, veggies, tea, herbal supplements, and a change to a much less-gluten diet. It is so hard to go full non-gluten on a tight budget,  the shopping bill goes so high on that unfortunately.

Surviving unique risks

I just wish I could write a book outlining my advice of surviving liver cancer (if that was at all even possible) and on into my AIH (my case being far milder than most). It is just impossible to do such a thing for cancer such as mine as every cancer case is so different. What got me this far, were many moments of risky "ledge-walking" decisions, where nothing else mattered anymore and I was going down either way but if I did nothing, I would have never got back up out of the darkness that surrounded the choices I was faced with in such times. I took the risk,  just as if I was on a climbing hike, and I just had to get past that steep narrow cliffy ledge section of trail to reach that peak top. It is just not for everyone, and my choices simply don't apply to the majority, or anyone for that matter, since there are no two cases the same in cancer, no matter what people say.

A Story worth reading, seriously...

A story of hope...

 ...and I inherited what?!

So now, what I want to share with you is an amazing e-book titled "A Natural Approach to reversing brain disorders-learning disabilities with Young Living",  that contains a story that covers a journey that brings tears to my eyes, good tears, probably due to the fact that in my family,  there have been  issues with schizophrenia, bipolar, and many cases of brain disorders like dyslexia, along with cancer, and many other health issues like diabetes/hypoglycemia and HBP, and the ironic curse of old age for most in my family (can you believe that? we get to live to our 90s+ with this mess,  if we survive it all, lol). Gotta love family genes that pass down that mess mixed in with a high chance at longevity, right?, lol.

learning, loving, accepting

On the subject of bipolar issues, I have done much reading to learn about psychology, just enough to understand how to cope, and to help those in my family the best I could in the last few years living at home, along with acceptance, love, and forgiveness,   although my efforts were unsuccessful a lot of the time, I did try at least. I also learned to improve myself on many levels and, well,  no matter how far I got,  I have a ways to go for improvements, such as self acceptance post cancer. That is a work in progress, trust me when I say its not easy for me,  but its progress.  So brain disorders is something I have come to understand to some degree with family experiences and observations,  and is why I come to this post, and this e-book that I feel can help so many people who are faced with their own difficult journey such as is covered in Kristin's e-book.

A wonderful tool of knowledge gained from experience.

 This e-book has a wealth of information based on a journey of a loving mother and her daughter overcoming obstacles of high function autism without using drug medications. I myself have not read it, but one day Ill be able too, but I know enough of this story to say, that I truly recommend this e-book to anyone who's life has been touched by autism within their circle of family and friends. Kristin Ebey (author of the e-book) is one of those moms you see/hear/read about and you get those happy tears of how loved her children are. Such hope I have for the newer generation of the world with moms like her. If you know of anyone who may benefit from this e-book, please pass on this link to them. Or gift it to them. o:)

Kristin has been featured on a blog about her story in a post titled: "Mothers Find Answers in Using Essential Oils for Autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, ADD/ADHD and OCD".   it is a good example of  what is found in her e-book, but her e-book has so much more information, based on what I seen alone in the preview on Amazon. I strongly urge anyone who knows someone who has a newly diagnosed child with Autism, to share this blog post, or simply this link to Kristin's e-book, to them.  If a Kindle is not available, you can always download and install this app program to your pc or mac, you can choose formats, and you will have the ability to view e-books written for kindles on your computer! With dedication, and a will to beat Autism or other related disorders, anything can be achieved if you don't give up, if you have faith in having results and stay determined with loving dedication, just like Kristin Ebey.

Overcoming the impossible

My best friend Cindy had faith in my insane choices I made throughout my journey with cancer, even though she didn't agree with them, but knew I had to choose for myself, and she supported me through it all,  even when things got scary, complicated and times got dark for us,  she helped me make it. So loving determination and a will to live life, taking risks, and never giving up on goals, can result in the impossibilities everyone else doubt we can ever reach. I survived cancer, and have made goals that I am now reaching, advocating, reaching out, offering my support however I can, and smiling everyday. Kristin's daughter overcame her high function autism and is now living life, smiling, enjoying and reaching goals most never see with Autism.  To me they are an amazing mother daughter team. I am so happy for their achievements.    o:)


To recap on links,  here is a list of linkies again, as given thru my blog above via hyperlinks:

Kristin Ebey's E-book titled  "A Natural Approach to reversing brain disorders-learning disabilities with Young Living", available on Amazon.com.

The place to find the App program to install on your computer if you don't have a Kindle, so there's always a way to read Kristin's e-book!

Blog featuring Kristin Ebey and her story. A good read on its own and a great example of what can be found in her e-book, that includes so much more.


Update:  Kristin has made available a PDF version for those who rather have this format:

"A Natural Approach to reversing brain disorders-learning disabilities with Young Living", available on candystoreraiders.com, in PDF format.

A Side Note for the doubted:

Now I have heard mentions of "snake oils" in blogs, but I will say this in defense of this post subject. Before your mind throws up that flag screaming "snake oil",  first focus on the results Kristin has had in helping her daughter. And she is not the only one, there are others who has had amazing results, based on posts and reviews I read on the sites involved with this natural treatment of brain disorders, and beyond. I truly have trust on this and in the message Kristin has in her reasons to publishing her e-book. I hope with all my heart this helps others  as it has Kristin's daughter.

Be well everyone,  and stay posted for my blog post that will be a bit on the deep side. It is a hard one to complete for me so bear with me.

*big hugs to you all* 
Bye for now
 ~Jennifer C. Wolf  o:)

Time to Relay For Life!

I have joined a team this year!

 

Yes I am going to be relaying this year for sure. I had a lot go on last year and every chance I had "me" time I had barely enough to write my blogs and take my rest. Along with reading up on things I was going thru and getting tested for. As you may know by now if you are following my blogs, I finally was told all-clear after all the crazy testings and scans trying to confirm odd results that made no sense. So many times results are effected by other situations and may cause erratic results in tests.

And now on to the Relay For Life profile I now have. I placed hyperlinks into this blog, so click on the "link" corresponding to the subject mentioned. I joined RFL ADvocacy team in Second Life which has a profile on the American Cancer Society site for events. I now have my profile up as a team member and I hope to see more members join and/or donate towards out effort. Donations can be made anytime from now until Saturday, July 13, 2013. And even after, you can still donate because it all helps towards funding research for a cure for cancer and the search for more information made available to all who need it, along with services and support for those battling cancer.

My summarized story as I put on my team member profile page ...

 

Why I Participate in a Relay Event

 

As a survivor (finally told "all clear for now" on October 30th, 2012), I can easily, yet still emotionally, recall exactly how I felt when I was given the approximate duration I had left to live, the shock of it, the fear, the disbelief. In all honesty, I felt hopelessness from what I was told, and I felt, if they "cant do anything else at this point", then what can I do? I remember thinking, "how can this be, in this time and age of technology? All that has been found on cancer, all that could be done in our time and nothing can be done at this point?", yet I was given a terminal diagnosis anyway.

This was back in the end of 2008, after having gone through two emergency operations, and at a time I would start having further complications from the first, leading to yet another emergency operation when for the second time, I would have in my medical records of being revived during surgery. Despite of saying nothing could be done, I was still saved numerous times trying to live up my diagnosis. I am proof we DO NOT have expiration dates when cancer enters our lives.

Who I'm Participating For 

 

I'm relaying for all touched by cancer and those who know someone who has. That is you and I, and just about everyone else in between. I relay because before I knew of how sick I had become back in August-September of '08, people were relaying for life, raising money to help fund research and improve the chances of the then future cancer fighters, like me.

I relay today, am alive today, because of all those who relayed before me, made it possible for me to be saved in moments most would not before the advances made thru research, which is greatly funded by events as relay for life. It is a miracle to me I survived, I am the 4% of 2%, I usually just say 2%, but my chance to hear that "all-clear" was much less than 2%. Complicated, yes,  but if you think of it, that's 4% of 2%, so take 100 people, then choose only 2,  then say to them only 4% of you two will survive this.

That is me, 4% of 2%. I'm here because of all those who relayed for life, my life and the lives of many now saved ...Ill never finish thanking God for all the wonderful people who cared to relay for life before, during and now today with me. The way I see it now, Relay For Life is a very great support for life I never knew I had until I came to need it.

Why I Support the American Cancer Society (ACS)

 

ACS has invested in vital research for a cure, and in that search has found numerous ways to improve life during the battle and increase survival rates. They have advocated the importance of risk reduction and early detection. ACS also provides free information and services for those who are in need throughout their battle with cancer.

The amount of research advances made due in great part from the investments ACS has made from funds raised from donations, especially through relay for life events, have made leaps and bounds to gain more technology, more advanced procedures that were considered far too risky before, or were simply just unknown before. ACS works with lawmakers to get laws passed to fight cancer risks. Through invested research, risks are found and can be targeted for elimination and knowledge found and shared to all so risks can be lowered before getting cancer by lifestyle changes involving better diet and exercise.

We have great finds today, due to the research that benefits from relay for life events. Many advances in healthcare today exists because people came together, had events called Relay For Life, and raised money to fund further research, to search for the holy grail cure for the worldwide fight against this disease called cancer. And I for one am thankful for all ACS has done so far with all my heart.

Life sure can be a funny crazy thing, but so worth the fight

 

My own battle was far from conventional, but the main events in my fight, battled in the hospital, were followed with my eventual return home, because of the amazing doctors and technology we now have. I am fully thankful to ALL those who relayed before me, who relayed in the name of those in their own battle, and of those lost in the past, and because of such events to raise funds for cancer research, those with the same type of cancer today are now being saved with a much higher rate of survival.

I thank you all who have relayed with me while I battled my own fight during a time I had already become a survivor of my own expiration date given to me by the first doctors. During a time I was very slowly becoming a thriver, with cancer, regaining strength in health to be able to chance the harsher medications combined with the other mess of meds that were keeping me "maintained" in the diagnosis' progress thought at first to end my life, yet thankfully, the cancer shrank in the places left after surgery removed the removable, along with lymph nodes and a liver lobe, which thankfully can regenerate and has.

There has been casualties in my battle, and what you are reading now is now my only voice. I am left mute from a severed nerve during a tumor extraction from my larynx. But as many would tell me, I have been louder now than I ever was before.

It's unbelievable, perhaps it was all a nightmare. Did I really hear him say "all clear"? Am I still dreaming in a hospital bed? If so, please don't wake me. SERIOUSLY!

 

OMG, how crazy this all sounds even to me, and yet this is just pieces of the whole story which I have a hard time believing myself, but I did live it, and I am happy to be able to relay for life. I still have a long way to go to regain health back to where I left off, but I am constantly improving my condition after I came so close many times through the battle and left with a mess of "me". But this "me" now is stronger, resilient, experienced in all the aspects of the darkest hours of the battle and now someone who understands the importance of advocacy, importance of living life to the fullest and to continue to relay for life for the rest of the time I am thankful to have gifted each day I awake.


Now lets relay, I myself am signed up to walk and fund raise in the Relay For Life of Second Life event. We would love for you to join us, so consider joining our team and/or make a donation in support of our efforts.
You can even Dedicate a Luminaria to someone you know who is a survivor, or surviving their ongoing battle, or especially those you have lost to cancer. It is a great way to give tribute to their efforts through their journey.

         Lets relay together....
                ...for life
                    ...for more birthdays
                        ...for the dream of a cure
                            ...to end this disease forever!


~Jennifer C. Wolf (BOOTEDGIRL Foxtrot)  o:)

RFL Advocacy Exchange Team Logo

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For more info on our team, visit the team blog at Advocacy Exchange. 
If you want to know more about the event and/or past RLFof SL events, visit Relay For Life of Second Life
And also for more history info of RFLofSL events, visit History-of-RFL-of-SL

Also never forget to be informed on everything involving your cancer diagnosis. Its best to know everything you possibly can so that you can make educated choices for your treatments and how you can tackle down your cancer no matter what your diagnosis turns out to be. Never forget, we never wear an expiration tag!
Visit "Is My Cancer Different?" for a great start to learning how to find out more information on cancer of a loved one or of yourself.

And remember...     YOU ARE NOT ALONE.     *hugs*   o:)

Come relay with us!    
*big hugs to all*   bye for now and be well 
~Jennifer C. Wolf (BOOTEDGIRL Foxtrot)  o:)