Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 2) ~Queen - Under Pressure

Hi, I'm just following up on another song that hit home for me and fits very well for most fighters and survivors of cancer, and it fit well with all I'm currently experiencing now too.

I currently am in between my second and third chemo treatments, and the good days are getting harder to come by but I am in no way complaining, nor am I in no way throwing any towel in on this full and aggressive treatment. Even though I have been coping with the physical and mental wake of post cancer chaos of the last 7+ years, my focus on having my life put back on track has never stopped. So it is with this focus that I am driven to use what health I have gained to go head first in the most aggressive option I was given, since it has that better chance of having a better life sooner.

My use of the word "soon" does not by any means define the true nature of fighting cancer of any type, especially some types like primary liver complicated by low liver function due to a remaining (yet mild case as the docs describe) auto-immune hepatitis condition.

Anyhoo, getting back to the point of the post, here is another song by Queen called Under Pressure. It is probably just my recent awareness of coincidences in life and the elements that make up some days for me, like listening to music or watching videos on YouTube, but I thought it would be good to share this with you all.


As with the last post with lyrics, I will use the same format:


("actual song lyric")

-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.








 ........................


Queen - Under Pressure

....

(Pressure
pushing down on me
pressing down on you
no man ask for)

-Cancer, Worry, Bills, Fear of the still unknown and undetected,
The Effects of the Meds, the Treatments, my Choices within the Options given by my oncologist that best fits my case... It all pushes down on me, as each fighter/survivor has their unique burdens of The Journey weighing down on them. It not only pushes down on us but pushes down on the family and friends. And I say this to you the reader... "Cancer pushes down on me, Pushes down on you..." ... and neither of us asked for this, , . cancer and all that ensues within each fighting journey is truly something no person will ever ask for!

...

(under pressure
that burns a building down
splits a family in two
puts people on streets)

-All that bears down, all that is involved with fighting cancer, any stage of cancer, will place strain on even the most resilient individual's life. A life that has either been built up within many years or has just begun and still is in development with plans for college, plans for success, ... plans... ...a life built, no matter the stage it is built up on, comes to a abrupt halt and for many, all that was built is burned down. This very change in one's life can sometimes sadly distance some otherwise very close people in your life once you break the news you have cancer. For some, myself included, become very close to being put on the streets, but I am fortunate to have such a wonderful friend who stood up and accepted her life to be changed by my cancer, that which I had no other choice but to have my life changed by it. In many regards it has been a good change equally with the bad, but it is a perspective only explained by each individual. Sadly for some, the fight can result in loss of home and therefor those fighters end up on the streets by the insane financial strains fighting cancer brings.

...

(It's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming "let me out"
pray tomorrow
gets me higher
pressure on people
people on streets
It's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming "let me out"
pray tomorrow
gets me higher
pressure on people
people on streets)

-For everyone on earth directly and indirectly effected by cancer, the fight will never end, because we constantly strive to find something or someone who knows what can make the suffering less or end it completely with a cure. While reading, searching and inquiring for such better ways, we find ourselves engulfed by this community of fighters and survivors alongside wonderful caregivers. The fact that this truth that cancer is happening all around us and for many it occurs without a way of curing it fully due to the lack of detecting it early, .. it is truly terrifying of knowing what this world is all about, especially when one watches a friend suffering with late stage cancer and medicated in bed, unable to get up on their own anymore, wake up terrified screaming "Let me out!" ..Our freedoms in life are something no one should ever take for granted, freedoms like walking to the bathroom on your own, cooking for yourself or just being able to think clearly without forgetting what it was you were thinking about a second ago. We all pray in our own ways for better tomorrows and optimism and positive thinking does get our spirits higher for sure, no matter where the fighter of cancer ends up, be it at home with their spouse, with parents, a friend or on the streets. It is truly crucial to have positiveness in each perspective compared to the individual bases for comparison to result in optimism for that bit of quality of life.

...

(Turned away from it all like a blind man
sat on a fence but it don't work
keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
why, why, why!
Love....)

-Many people have not been touched by cancer, and many choose to ignore it. turning that blind eye on cancer and the need to find the cure is not ever going to work to save those we love later on. Sitting on the fence waiting and procrastinating to learn more about the basics of cancer and how you can help is not the solution for a cure, ..."it don't work!" ....sitting on that fence for that cure to just pop up will not save those you love, and every single person who does help brings that cure that much closer. Imagine if no one helped find this cure we still seek.... how can anyone imagine that while imagining loving our family and friends who find that cancer crept into their lives, leaving their lives slashed and torn without any cure due to no one helping. Today we are so fortunate we do have people helping, but to those who don't help, I cant help but to ask, "why? why? why?" The answer why we all help is: "Love"...

...

(insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
can't we give ourselves one more chance
why can't we give love that one more chance
why can't we give love, give love, give love
give love, give love, give love, give love, give love)

-For those of us who have experienced a cancer journey that spans many years, it is through sheer dark humor that sometimes helps us cope with the day to day miseries we struggle with, be it keeping food down while we joke our body confused the food with cancer and threw it out, or we just come up with funny reasons why we forget something so easy like the name of a friend, but we hope they laugh too, but under the pressures of the worry they have for us we too worry and find our sanity sometimes cracks. All we can do is focus on the love we have for each other and just understand that love is the basis for all we do for one another, and it is why we fight, to hold onto time to be with those we love, for more time, more loving time. We must relay for life, relay for time, relay for love, to give love that one more chance. Give love, give hope, give hope.. Love and hope...

...

(Cause love's such an old fashioned word
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves
this is our last dance
this is ourselves
under pressure
under pressure
pressure)

-Because Love is the true old fashioned reason we seek for the cure. Love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the darkness of their lives who struggle to eat, to breath, to live, to love you back with open eyes to not show that pain they feel for the sake of those who love them... That love dares humanity to change our way of caring about ourselves as a civilized species. Dares us all to continue relaying for life until that cure is found, because for many of us who are still fighting for life, for time, for a normal life... This is our last dance, and as a whole, this is our last dance, our last chance to help those we love. This is our last chance, this is ourselves under pressure. This is us relaying for life, it is that pressure that drives us to care, to change our way we care for ourselves and for those fighting for life.
And, as one of the many who currently are fighting hard to beat this disease inside of us, "This IS our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure!" ....


.......................

~Jennifer Wolf March 28, 2016
(My thoughts listening to this song)

...again, thank you for reading, bye for now!
~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 1) ~Queen - The Show Must Go On

Another re-post from Facebook as the last post was. There will be a couple more like this so bear with me. Now on to the post.....




Hi everyone, right now I'm pretty well medicated, and yet oddly I am thinking slightly clearer for the moment, or I just got really good rest. I woke up with a song running in my mind that has been sorta my mantra lately as I enter a new chapter of a journey I honestly hoped would not be so strewn with issue after issue with complications and whatnot of all that is relative to the subject of attempted cancer survival, physically, mentally and equally emotionally.

...

Bear with me and this odd format as I'm typing this from my brother's phone again, and it may be still hard to follow my words, but I do feel a bit clear right now, I hope it lasts through the day, I think its from getting good rest after yesterday though. I still think it is odd though.

...

The song is by Queen, and I am very certain most of you know it. The song is called "The Show Must Go On"

Now first, one should think how someone fighting cancer would think, perhaps numerously fighting cancer, and imagine the thoughts this person would have relative to the words in the lyrics of this song. So with that in your mind, here is thought spurts as I listen to this song....

[The format is ...

("actual song lyric") 

-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.....]


...


Queen - The Show Must Go On

...

("Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for")

-The once full life of activity and productive focus all turn vacant within the fog of meds taken to survive, what kind of life is this in this moment of feeling so totally outside yourself, lost in thoughts, lost on focus, lost of momentum.


...


("Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore")

-Another possible cure, another wait for approval of use to save lives now... so many ways to help so many, yet the cure remains covered from our eyes, ...for many of us time runs short and we cant take cancer anymore...


...


("The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on")

-Relaying for life goes on, we must strive on, towards a cure....
So many are lost each day, my heart breaks,....and as I lay in my bed thinking of this new round of chemo, and how it is only to isolate this cancer only to my liver, eliminating any spread, where then they will deal with the tumor there, I feel like I am falling apart inside, .... I just think of ways to stay smiling.


...


("Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free")

-I feel good about this time, I know I can win, but accept the destination of my path, although it hurts to say, I am prepared for what-if's chances, ..life's past relationships, and those I have hope in the future, this just hurts my heart to think being alone for longer is just my new normal. Perhaps my reasons to still be here on earth is beyond relationships, ...if only I knew what my reasons were. I do not want to miss out on that, so I fight on...
I have learned so much from having cancer, life is still short no matter how long I do survive, I must do my best to be the best me in this world, and accept the gifts life brings, living to the fullest yet accepting what lies around each unseen bend. This life may still be in it's light of dawn, but here I am in the seemingly darkness of my health again, and I just ache to be free........


...


("The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh")

-The fight must go on, I will carry on, for sure!....
I may be falling apart again while poisons run inside of me, soon bald again, soon even worst feelings of yukky sick and schedules for operations to put me back together after yet another tumor extraction possibility, ....for the sake of myself but mainly for my family here, my smile still stays on.


....


("My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends")

-As I sit here thinking of my past 7+ years with cancer in my life I feel the gifts of what life brought me thru friends and experiences.... oh, these words say it best, my favorite part of this song...
* 'My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends!' ... *
....My fight is taking flight my friends, I am optimistic, yet I am not bulletproof, this smile shows bright thru the tears that run on my face as fearful thoughts still run thru my mind based on my past experiences...


...


("The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on.
The Show Must Go On, The Show Must Go On")

-My fight goes on, this battle continues on, I face it with this grin, and I'm never giving in!...
I will beat this thing, continue to relay in my way, this cancer will be killed, I have the will to carry on, my life must go on!"


...


~Jennifer Wolf -mar. 18, 2016
(Thoughts I had as I listened to this song)
...

...

Ty for reading.
Bye for now,
  ~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Remission: Oct 30th, 2012 - March 10th, 2016

I wrote this on a smartphone and posted it on Facebook, so the format is a bit off for there as it is here. I did intend this for my blog here so here it is, although late, from the original post date of March 16th, 2016. I did fix a few things to the format so it still looks normal here at least (also fixed the post date to show the original date I posted on Facebook too, today is April 16th, exactly a month later).

Hope it comes out "ok". :) 

 ....Also I have a few other posts on Facebook that should be here too, so I will be bringing them here as well. Hope you have your reading eyes on, so here they go......



    [ As posted on my Facebook timeline: ]

The following truly should be posted on my blog, but for sake of simplicity, I am just typing it here. I am also a bit unfocused from my meds, so bear with me (I don't handle meds very well, but the pro/con balance says I should deal with the cons to have the pros!  *dull "yay"*). I may simply copy and paste this to my blog later on, but for now, since things will begin tomorrow, I choose to post here so all who read this has some form of update of this girl who has for the most part been absent from the usual online activities I been more known for. Also I am typing this from my brother's phone so format may look a bit odd. Now for my actual post........

***

Hi everyone,
Coincidences sure can be an amazing aspect of life especially when u add the fact that most people's lives are connected to the net, where we either share our experiences, and or read about others' journeys, or simply read news about whats going on in the fields of health and treatments that are increasingly successful today.

***

Within the many YouTube channels I subscribe to about sciences, life, inspiration and simple stories of everyday basic life of prospective you-tubers trying to find success in a growing industry of online media, I often find myself viewing videos newly posted each day that oddly happen to coincide with something I am going thru in my life, or with a funny subject of a conversation with my brother the night before or a thought in my head the very moments I hit the play button on one of those new videos on my subscribed list.

***

The same, yet scary coincidences I find occur here on Facebook too. I have been reading much about many friends directly or slightly indirectly coming back into the subjects of cancer. I do not silently giggle about what I mostly find, but I do tend to "lol" when it comes to my thoughts of having to suddenly pee right at the moment I start watching a video about "body hacks", where one such "trick" mentioned was if you find u must pee in a bad way and are not yet at or near a potty, simply scratch your calf/back of your lower leg, and the urge will ease for a bit, and allow you to stand in those lines waiting at times, without doing that well known dance.

***

So many coincidences but I will not list them all, so on with the point...

***

Tomorrow I will be starting something I have lately been reading of others talking about going thru or will soon be doing.

***

Now, I know by this point many reading this are thinking just what I am going on about, and some of you may already know exactly what I am typing about here. What I will say for now is, I am optimistic, I am confident things will go "ok".

***

To put it in words I can simplify from a far longer post here into far less typing....

***

"REMISSION:
Oct. 30th, 2012 - Mar. 10th, 2016 ~Jennifer Wolf"

***

Now for some details...

***

What contrasted scans found after several tests to narrow down blood lab result changes over the last few months are, two spots. One the size of a pea in my liver, another smaller in a "local" lymph gland. Although this sounds scary and spreading, it is not as spread as it sounds, so do to my overall health being good lately otherwise, they want to do full chemo treatments for at least a month to see how the spots react and may go for longer depending on what they find at that point, after which I will be back on chemo pills (low dose) for at least a month or two after full treatment ends. I used to be on these before but I heard there's a slight change now for this than before.

***

I know "treatment" does not end per say, but I look at it as episodes of a tv series, where events come in chapters rather than a long drawn out 3-6 month suspense movie.

***

So for now, I will truly be off and on the net as I stroll down this new path of my journey.

***

Worry not as I am far better off today than I was before, and I along with treatment will be far more aggressive than this cancer is, which my docs officially are calling a 2nd round, also officially ending my remission status.

***

Optimism, hope, modern sciences, faith and prayers may sound like two ends of the belief spectrum, but they are what I do try to maintain focus on, and simply put, that's how I roll!

***

Be well and do take care. Things on my end are ok considering so worry not. I am not worried for where this path leads me, but I will be honest that I am terrified for the unknown detours a journey can suddenly take. Even though, Im content with my being fully prepared for anything too. And I do in fact plan to getting past this little bump in the road for sure.

  Thank you for reading.
Bye for now!
~Jennifer Wolf  o:)