Hi everyone, right now I'm pretty well medicated, and yet oddly I am thinking slightly clearer for the moment, or I just got really good rest. I woke up with a song running in my mind that has been sorta my mantra lately as I enter a new chapter of a journey I honestly hoped would not be so strewn with issue after issue with complications and whatnot of all that is relative to the subject of attempted cancer survival, physically, mentally and equally emotionally.
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Bear with me and this odd format as I'm typing this from my brother's phone again, and it may be still hard to follow my words, but I do feel a bit clear right now, I hope it lasts through the day, I think its from getting good rest after yesterday though. I still think it is odd though.
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The song is by Queen, and I am very certain most of you know it. The song is called "The Show Must Go On"
Now first, one should think how someone fighting cancer would think, perhaps numerously fighting cancer, and imagine the thoughts this person would have relative to the words in the lyrics of this song. So with that in your mind, here is thought spurts as I listen to this song....
[The format is ...
("actual song lyric")
-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.....]
...
Queen - The Show Must Go On
...
("Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for")
-The once full life of activity and productive focus all turn vacant within the fog of meds taken to survive, what kind of life is this in this moment of feeling so totally outside yourself, lost in thoughts, lost on focus, lost of momentum.
...
("Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore")
-Another possible cure, another wait for approval of use to save lives now... so many ways to help so many, yet the cure remains covered from our eyes, ...for many of us time runs short and we cant take cancer anymore...
...
("The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on")
-Relaying for life goes on, we must strive on, towards a cure....
So many are lost each day, my heart breaks,....and as I lay in my bed thinking of this new round of chemo, and how it is only to isolate this cancer only to my liver, eliminating any spread, where then they will deal with the tumor there, I feel like I am falling apart inside, .... I just think of ways to stay smiling.
...
("Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free")
-I feel good about this time, I know I can win, but accept the destination of my path, although it hurts to say, I am prepared for what-if's chances, ..life's past relationships, and those I have hope in the future, this just hurts my heart to think being alone for longer is just my new normal. Perhaps my reasons to still be here on earth is beyond relationships, ...if only I knew what my reasons were. I do not want to miss out on that, so I fight on...
I have learned so much from having cancer, life is still short no matter how long I do survive, I must do my best to be the best me in this world, and accept the gifts life brings, living to the fullest yet accepting what lies around each unseen bend. This life may still be in it's light of dawn, but here I am in the seemingly darkness of my health again, and I just ache to be free........
...
("The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh")
-The fight must go on, I will carry on, for sure!....
I may be falling apart again while poisons run inside of me, soon bald again, soon even worst feelings of yukky sick and schedules for operations to put me back together after yet another tumor extraction possibility, ....for the sake of myself but mainly for my family here, my smile still stays on.
....
("My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends")
-As I sit here thinking of my past 7+ years with cancer in my life I feel the gifts of what life brought me thru friends and experiences.... oh, these words say it best, my favorite part of this song...
* 'My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends!' ... *
....My fight is taking flight my friends, I am optimistic, yet I am not bulletproof, this smile shows bright thru the tears that run on my face as fearful thoughts still run thru my mind based on my past experiences...
...
("The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on.
The Show Must Go On, The Show Must Go On")
-My fight goes on, this battle continues on, I face it with this grin, and I'm never giving in!...
I will beat this thing, continue to relay in my way, this cancer will be killed, I have the will to carry on, my life must go on!"
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~Jennifer Wolf -mar. 18, 2016
(Thoughts I had as I listened to this song)
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...
Ty for reading.
Bye for now,
~Jennifer Wolf o:)
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