A TOUGH JOURNEY FOR THE SANE READER
This
blog has probably gone through more edits and more rewrites than any
other blog I wrote in the past and therefore has some odd areas with a lot I had to delete. Mainly due in part of how difficult
it is to think back into times I much rather forget, but never will.
Perhaps it is these times that has either molded me, or chiseled away
at me to be who I am today. The fact I am currently listening to the
very soothing music of Lindsey Sterling's "Crystallized"
and "Song of the Caged Bird" on repeat tells me enough of
how I feel going over this blog, adding to it, deleting parts,
rewriting, or rather retyping. Music calms me, no matter if its rock
music or classical, I love almost all genres, mostly because I love
the artistry in music, and I can see the beauty in musical
expression.
AM I THERE YET?
I been
working on this post since the end of Feb, and it sure can be a pain
to go back into my memories sometimes, because of either how
difficult it was then, or from the fog that lines my many memories
from what has happened in such times I try to clearly recall. I have
been looking mostly forward lately, and that's a good thing for all of
us to do, without forgetting where we came from of course. After all,
we all have a story of our journey to where we are now in life. Some
stories could fill the pages of a comedy novel, others a drama flick
on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). Some life stories could appear to come from a Stephen King
movie produced by Tim Burton, lol. Perhaps I may spare you of mine,
since it covers all those areas to be honest... there's a reason I
deleted those first blog posts mid way through my battle with cancer
and I think its for the best to just not relive it all.
I THINK I PONDERED A THOUGHT, ...OH, NEVER MIND
The
mind has such a complex way it thinks, how it processes
surroundings, input from our senses, records them into memory, and
then utilizes those memories to create dreams, involving the people
you had past experiences in life with, like family, friends and even
pets. Places we come to find our greatest smiles, and find our
greatest happiness with those we love and cherish. Cherish, a word
that, to me, indirectly describes just how we actually categorize,
affectionately, those close loving people in our lives, or objects of
sentiment, or even simply a certain moment in time we experienced. I cherished
many "times" in my life, that is for sure, along with those
whom I shared those times with. I even cherish those times that
brought great sadness to me in ways I can not begin to explain
right now, not directly anyways. I did type out a lot more here, but some
things just might be best left in the past. So much deleted here
actually, and it could have been far more than 5 pages on my Open
Office document draft file so far.
TALK ABOUT HEAVEN ON EARTH
In the
past, I used to go on long drives, to anywhere, but mostly found my
jeep faced north and headed to Mammoth Lakes, CA, a very beautiful
place, you just have to Google it to see for yourself. The Eastern
Sierras, Owens Valley, White Mountains are in truth, my heaven.
Yosemite is another place, as well as Sequoia/King's Canyon National
Parks that hold that same value to me, because they do the same for
me as the other places I just mentioned. These places make me feel
free, free to be me, free to breath, release, scream, cry, laugh, or
sit in total silence, without a single person passing me for days.
Yes, I said scream, I know most of you know I'm mute now, but I
wasn't always... I just feel a sting in my heart when I "say"
something that implies a voice. In the many times I traveled on such
drives to these places, most times I went alone or with my dog. I did
take my best friend Cindy several times, as well as been to all these
places with my brother long before I even had my license. Of course,
in the last 4 years I went with both Cindy and my brother too.
A MISSING POINT, YOU LOST YET? ...IF YOU FIND ME, PLEASE RETURN TO LOST BLOGS AND FOUND, TY!
So now
for a different way to approach certain memories, my past, my
experiences, in a very expressive way... one track of the mind,
communicating to another. Odd, I know, but
so is with life itself and how the mind sometimes recalls the times.
Again, at this point I chose to delete a ton and it was hard to do
so, but ultimately, it was what I felt was best and so instead, Ill
just go to the "Letter" part of this blog, which touched
some on what I chose to delete, lol. I had posted a version of this
letter in comment On Facebook, in response to videos that were posted
that were somewhat titled similar to what I will title this letter.
I watched this video, and it triggered a ton of thoughts I had locked
away for some time, and a rush of emotions hit me. The result is this
letter I was inspired to write to my 16 year old self, following these videos.....
DEAR SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ME
*Marked Urgent*
I truly
wish I could have a chat with 16 yr old me, I would have a very
serious letter to hand me. In the letter, I'd say...
"Dear
16 yr old me,
When Cindy tries to set you up with someone from her drafting
class, just say noooo thanks, trust me, he hangs out with a guy that
hits Cindy and he ends up dumping you just because you almost busted
his friend's nose. Always stretch properly EVERY SINGLE TIME before running
in track and cross country, a pulled hammy sucks! I know right now
you are struggling with what just happened a year ago in your life,
don't let it get to you so bad and deep. Dad did his best and so did
your brother and you know it. Don't live with fear from it, be
strong, the danger has passed and you will never go through that ever
again. Mom really don't hate you, its just her coping, but we know
it's still the wrong way. It wasn't your fault like she says, so keep
telling yourself that ok? Mom will realize that too and become a
friend again one day, so never give up.
On
the bright side, you will get to fulfill some dreams when your 18!
...Ya, I know, another two years! Grrr! ...but you will make it, just
be safe and never forget your jacket if you leave home in anger. Just
know, in two years, you will reach those heights you dreamed of all
these years hiking, you will finally reach the top of that peak you
gazed at from your bedroom window. You also move out and in with
Cindy during the summer when your 18, a tiny apartment, but hey,
finally!, Right? Consider going on a gluten-free diet, its really better for you. You will get the chance to really get to know your
brother's friends, even if you think they are all retarded right now,
they are a bunch of great guys, even if one is a perv, he behaves
himself, most of the time.
You will get a jeep finally too, a cherokee, and your brother will
help you build it up some, and it will be so awesome. Having the jeep
and tools he gets for you come in handy, you must learn to use
everything correctly. You will end up helping people along your
travels who truly need help, so listen to what your brother says to
you about everything he tells you, even his crazy stories, and learn.
Follow your gut feelings when the time comes for you to help, and
always be safer than sorry. And do read the whole green book your
brother gets for you, what you learn from it will save you and can
save others if you, again, listen to your gut feelings, trust me on
this. Oh, and back up your pictures you take, never just rely on one
hard drive, they go poof and its best to back up stuffs. You will
wish you had all your pictures later on.
Now this part will be very important, please read with an open mind
and don't be afraid of the truth. In the next couple years, your
dizzy spells will get worst, I remember we had one last year, after
what happened, but we ignored it, thinking it was just stress. You
really must go to the doctor for that, and keep going, never quit
out of frustration. I know you more than anyone, so I know you will
stop going anyway, since its nothing too serious at that moment. But,
later on, again still when your 18, things will start to feel
different, inside, you will get scared, this will be towards the end
of summer, it will drive you to travel, and again, you will think its
just stress. Do travel, and experience all you can, but do get
checked, I beg this of you. From the time you are 18, until you are
20, you will do a lot of long drives on weekends, and on these drives
you will do a lot of thinking, and pondering on your fears of what
the truth may be.
And now for that truth. At 22 you will be told you have liver cancer,
and that you may not see 23. Oh you will anyways, but, at great cost. You may not think its possible now, but you will be revived twice during separate operations. That is surgery, and ya, revived from going flat-lined. It is super scary to think about still. You end up with several scars, several locations they went in through. Most will be on your right side. You have a stent in your bile duct, and you end up regrowing a big part of your liver. Crazy huh? Don't be stubborn and beat that damn fear, and
just get checked before it gets so bad. You will survive, you are
stronger than you think, it just doesn't have to be such a difficult
battle, if only you just go get checked the moment you feel afraid of
something not right. Also, the moment you do choose to get checked,
go to St Mary's Hospital since it is the best hospital nearest you at
the time, and when you are given choices, choose whats best, instead
of whats closest, if you want to continue having a voice that works. And also,
All of this should not even happen if you just go in sooner than age
22, so I beg you, go in before your 20. Trust me, waiting is not the
right thing for you at all, it is the worst mistake I ever done,
because what you are looking at when you see me, is you in eleven
years after surviving that mistake of allowing your fears to stop
you from going into the hospital when you should have, it wont count
if you just sit in the hospital parking lot and then drive away. Do not allow
your fears to develop that phobia, just go in. Be stronger now, you
don't need to go through hell to be forged into the strong girl you
will become. Love deep, love strongly and live wisely. Be sure to
have your brother help Cindy take care of you. He will be around you anyway,
but just let him know things will be ok. He takes this hard, so have
faith in Cindy, because she has a gift of calm you never knew she
had. Take care of me for me, ok? ~Jenn o:) "
WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF IT WAS POSSIBLE?
I know
I can not turn back time with a letter, it just is not allowed within
our known physics of time itself. But what a beautiful dream to be
able to do. There is a reason I love stories and movies about time
travel, even before I became sick. I just have a new respect for time
now, and I do cherish every second I get in the now, every moment I
have to smile, to breath, to hear my own heart beat in the silence
of the night, to love every tomorrow I have hope for each today, and
am thankful everyday I awake.
I know
this post was a bit odd, but it is with the best expressive release
I felt comfortable posting. I want to keep moving forward and never
have anything hold me back from the past. If you made it this far,
I want to say, thank you for getting through this with me. I truly
appreciate all my readers.
Be well
everyone,
*big hugs*
Bye for
now
~Jennifer
C. Wolf o:)
