A Lost Girl, An Unknown Journey Ahead, And a few Frustrations to Pewpew!
Hi everyone, I know it has been like, three months, but life just gets interesting at every turn of each day. Even days where nothing seems to occur! Ya, I been on a breather from my usual activities online, I have had a lot of thinking to do, frustrations to sort (resolve still pending *grrs*), and baddies to pew pew. I been lost in my head lately, but Im finding my way, one "baddie" at a time!
I am at that point where I am walking better. I know, big yay moment, and I am happy about it, but due to some other drawbacks of the damage done, I am still unable to really get back to the work I once did. I have options, but none seems to be the right thing for my vision of my future, and I do not want to just jump in to get out in haste and be sorry later on. I want to think, I want to find the answer I seek, the door to open to my beginning of life, again.
It is of unknown proportions that effort that will be required, and I have the drive to succeed, but things get in the way, but I overcome each as they appear, but I end up in the same place, each day. In my room, by my pc, wondering what I should do next for the moment. Do I watch a show on netflix?, shall I write in my blog?, Shall I update my job search status, again?, shud I just log into Rift and kill some baddies to make me feel I let some built up steam caused from all my frustrations? I tend to find funny ways to release stress, and in the past, it was World of Warcraft, and these days, I have tried a game called Rift, it is fun, very much like WoW, but more in early stages of development compared to WoW. It is awesome and I am a hunter, and so there lies the meaning of, "pew pew" as the arrows go pew from my bow, killing the baddies, lol.
Shall I get rest now and then? Shall I try to level my character more before I sleep?
Times can play funny things on the mind when in situations of thot, while in a place you wish to move on from in your real life, as things pile up on you keeping you in place. I will not give up trying, but OMG, let me get going already! So, to take breaks from my unrelenting thoughts of figuring what I can do, as I look up one link after another, apply, get rejections, one , after another, after another...., and just , at times I find myself buried in my pillow, just tired, mentally, and I cry, for hours.
What can a girl do to stop this? She plays an MMO game! Ya, I found killing baddies has a therapeutic aspect to it, even tho the baddies are only pixels battling pixels, lol. Everything these days has a user interface, and my life lately has been utilizing a UI from an MMO, called Rift. Now put my frustrations, together with meds I still take, and my mind that never stops, and a fun game, and you get long play time to occupy the mind enough to not feel overwhelmed by the insanity of real life situations at hand. What you get, is me playing this game for long periods of time, restless, yet tired, focused, to level, and help the group achieve quests and such. I'm such a game nerd now huh? Oh well, so be it! Nuthin wrong wif it!! *gives the crazy eye stare* o.O
I will say this, even in an MMO, you can still meet awesome people. and create a bond unlike usual friendships in games. Another thing is, most players tend to be guys, and are just there to goof around and just be silly and do nothings all day, lol. Girls do play too, this one does (points to self), and others as well. In WoW I met families, married couples, and their kids, young, old, middle aged, you name it. I felt like part of a family instead of a group of goofballs in WoW, and I enjoyed my time with them. I miss them to this day, since I no longer play, to save money for bills that will never end, and I hope I never lose contact of the few I still have from WoW on my FB list.
Jewels, gems, ...and stars, a new analogy of friends!
"Take a falling star and put it in your pocket....." What?! 28 straight hours in game?!
:O
Rift has brought me two new friends, and as I have mentioned about gems you find along the way on your path in your journey, my life's crown shines brighter with them. How I actually met one, I can't recall to be honest, I will have to get back to that one in a bit, but the first, was a guy who grouped up with me and started helping me quest, and vise-versa. Before you knew it I was in his guild, and so ended my play as a solo player. Rift is very quiet compared to WoW, and most never talk, so I never try to be honest, I am however there in this game to vent some built up steam in my rl, but here I am, just killing baddies, and I find friends when I was least looking. Sometimes I find I trip on great jewels on my life's path, when I was not paying attention, lol.
Now the second friend, I honestly can not recall how I met, but she was this awesome healer in game, and I do recall the area, but , meds just do bad things to my mind so I tend to blank out in moments trying to remember things, so this be one. Yes meds do suck, they change the moods, change the thots, cause problems, but keep u alive from things getting worst, keeping conditions at a tolerable state to live life, but sometimes in a fog, lol. So, about this new friend, she groups with me and I help pew pew best I cud, and far as I can recall her saying, she liked how I controlled my pet, and , (blank) I no remember the rest, but she in my friend list, then next thing, she asks to join the guild. Sometimes, those gems in your life just find their way in your pocket, and you can not recall how you got it in there, but the feeling of joy to find such a jewel is the same, one more to the crown! Life does get brighter from such gems in my life.
Now, many levels later, this girl and I (I'll call her Star, Stargazer, as that's her toon name) has grouped together running quests, killing badies, she healing me as I unleash my pewpew on big baddie mobs and it has made the game so much more fun. I have to say, after getting to know friends better, I tend to separate the game from real life and the game becomes just like any other communicative format, and just like Secondlife, we just get into convos that have nothing to do bout the game, lol. Its fun to have girl talk, since I talk to guys mostly in games and I just never get time to be with my girly friends and chat bout stuffs like I used to, lol. Terminal illness can find one with less friends in real life due to their not coping with it, or fears of it, just not wanting to deal with knowing a friend is suffering. In the end I found to be with just a handful of real life pre-online existence friends left, and all but my best friend/caregiver Cindy, are guys!
So, ty Star, for not only being awesome healer, but being an awesome friend, and staying ingame, in the guild, healing my pewpew butt for over 24hrs, straight, lol. Never met anyone who can stay up like I do, lol. I am honored to know u, and I see so much of me in you, it is deja vu I sez! Growing a bond with friends is a great thing, and being considered as your big sis has made me happy, I always wanted a lil sis, never had a sis in rl, only my brother, and I am grateful for him, and for having a sis too! Yay to having a sis! :D ..and she the best healer player I met too, I so proud of u!
Mebbe that's why I don't recall finding this gem (my friend Stargazer), this jewel was a Star all along! o:).
What to come next? What to do until then? What to find to poke in my ear to stop the insane thoughts of frustrations?!! I'm just kidding.. And did this blog not turn out as small as I thought it would be?
I have some stuffs to sort for sure, but one thing is certain, I do need to get my life on track, I do need to be on my own, pay my way, be the "me" I once was, somehow. I am thinking about taking a class in ASL, I am thinking of winning the lottery, I am thinking of going back in time and kicking my ass for not getting checked and dragging myself to the hospital to avoid this insane experience. I am thinking I think too much, and so why I find ways to cope, ways to tune out, ways to overcome the struggles and their misery they cause to one's mind. I must move forward, as going back to fix my past is not an option. I will continue to be strong, to be driven to succeed, to overcome my failures along the way, and be better each time I try again, and again, and again. If I die trying, at least I went down fighting, to have the life I had before cancer interrupted my momentum.
For now, I will play Rift, I will keep commenting on FB posts as I been doing, I will chat with my dear friends, I will still be me as I always been, but I say this to all concerned.... Don't worry if things get quiet in my routine of activity, don't worry if I take more breaks from one thing or other, or just not log in to certain places (SL and Iw), and don't worry when my posts are simply me venting to the world, I no mean offense to anyone if I get harsh in words, I always edit out that stuffs, but who knows what may pop up if the fog gets thick. Sometimes I just miss what I say or do and people get confused, but, never forget, you are not the only one confused at the moment, in fact, I have been confused for the past 5 years.
Think of that perspective, if you have never dealt with such illnesses before. Its not easy to imagine, just as I think of those going through worst, I just can not imagine their struggles, being so much worst than my own. Our "worst" is purely personal perspective in comparison, and one's "worst moment" is a cakewalk to another, and is an instant life-ender to others. We all have different measures to life's crap, and how we tolerate them. Just as there are no two cancer cases the same, no two treatment protocols the same, so is very similar to tolerance lvls, no two are the same from one person to another.
So to those dealing with your worst right now in your life, let me offer my support, chat with me, and we can help each other in this hell together. Life is not all hard, it does get better, I promise you that. We are stronger together, not alone. I love my friends deeply for this very thing, I am honored to have them in my life to lean on, and I hope to have my shoulder available to them too. We all need to lean on someone from time to time, and I know I always try to be the one to help, to guard my friends from injury, to be the protector from life's harm. But when I got sick, I learned how it feels to need the help, and be protected even from myself at times.
I thank you for the help, everyone, simply by reading this post and all others before, it helps me to know, that my journey has given some inspiration to someone to find the few green patches in their own life to breath and regain the strength to go on, and find the better place to be. In life, without suffering. Pew pew the baddies!! ....and again, ty for reading my story.
*hugs you all*
Jennifer C. Wolf o:)
