Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 3) ~ Idina Menzel - Let It Go (Frozen version)

Here's a third post from Facebook to be brought over to my blog,  and from this point I hope to just post here, but I can't say things will be good everyday when I feel like writing, so we will see what the future holds for the next postings!   :)


 To add to my description of why I felt this song to hit deep home for me,  is the fact that I still feel like I am in my early 20s,   like my life stopped when cancer came to change the life I knew, and from this I will always be about ten years behind my actual age. So as I am 30 today, I still think as if I am in my early 20s, lol.

 Cancer truly isolated me to  my room,  to my bed for years in fact for the most part. I eventually tapped in to my stubborn side to overcome how I perceived my situation and imagined I was well and able to make myself beautiful, as opposed of how I saw my reflection of the mess I become with cancer,  and do all I wanted to do. I remember being at my worst in the scariest times where I was always cold, so I imagined it snowing outside,   and me in the mountains camping. I used imagination deeply and made my Secondlife avatar as pretty as I felt in the times I would imagine being well and doing all I wanted within the growing imaginative life I consumed my mind with all the impossibilities that can ever be in anyone's real life. Sometimes imagination mashes with real life and thoughts flow out,  much like what you will read below and turns into motivation to cope with my current situations. This is just me,  surviving life as I know it....

...

Herroooo....
In life, to survive the bad to enjoy the good, sometimes you have to reach into your past and remember the worst. Those memories can turn the winds of bad into a mild breeze.

I had a scan done again to see how the chemo treatments are working and they felt it best to continue full treatment weekly for two months but changes are pending how overall health holds up and scans later on too. For now, to help maintain a level of health just to get thru treatments, I am back to having the I.V. pole by my bed at home, but for now only need it for part of each day, mainly when I nap and sleep. It helps keep my hydration up, while times I am awake I am constantly taking sips of Pedialyte. This helps for low function liver and undergoing treatment with the almost daily puking each time I eat. ..I know, too graphic, but that's just the raw and truthful normalcy of it.

Anyways, I honestly rather not be very detailed of all I go thru in my days, but it was important to know at least that much to understand my thoughts while hearing an otherwise over-played song we all can admit we fell in love with. This song is from the Disney movie "Frozen", and is called "Let It Go", sung by Idina Menzel. (I still love each time it plays!)

This time I will not go lyric by lyric then my thoughts but will simply put my thoughts relative to the song, but will very much make sense if you already know the words. Here are my thoughts to this song in order to the actual lyrics........ but in my own changed lyrics.

(This took a lot to do for me so I hope u enjoy it for what it is and means to me for my focus in my journey, afterwards watch the video and feel the perspective I just shared with you in my version of the lyrics. Oh, and Cindy is my best friend/sis-in-law/caregiver!).........
.
.
[Let It Go - my journey's version]
-
-The sun shines white on my four walls today,
No one else is home for a while, Cindy is at work.
My room of cancer fighting social isolation,
And it looks again, I'm the queen.
.
The recent winds we had mimicked raging emotions
I hold inside.
At times my tears, I cant always keep them in,
heaven knows I do tried.
.
Don't want cancer again, spots on scans
I never want to see.
I want to be the healthy girl I always have to be.
Try concealing fears, being sick, try not letting it show.
Well some days they just know.
.
Our fears must go, just let them go,
I see Cindy's tears at times she cant hold
them back anymore.
My friend it's ok to just let them fall,
Let them go.
She often turns away to her room and slams her door.
.
I know she don't care of the bad the doctors say.
As the cool I.V. drips, and chemo storm rages on.
I'm a fighter, that cold never bothered me anyway.
.
It is funny how some journeys
Makes everything else seem small.
And these fears at times consume me,
I can't let them get to me at all!
.
Now it is time to prove what my will can do,
to be resilient and make it through.
Cant have worries with tears, no fears for me!
From fear I want to be free!!
.
So I must let them go, I let you know,
I'm prepared and optimistic, and this I do I try.
At home my tears I let them go,
but online they never show.
My online friends, you'll never see me cry.
.
But here I am...
And here I'll stay.
While this journey's storm rages on...
.
My will is great I will throw my fears onto the ground.
It hurts to see again my brother panic,
his mind is mostly scattered all around.
Please focus on cancer being killed by the poisonous chemo's blast.
God, I never want cancer back,
this suffering past was in the past!!
.
Cancer in this world must go, I want it to go.
May a cure rise like a phoenix, let us live on.
Life's plans we let them go,
our hair we let it go.
That familiar girl in the mirror is gone.
.
But here I stand....
And I'll fight everyday.
.
In my journey I rage on.
The chemo's coldness never bothered me anyway!

........


Here is the video, and beneath this are the original lyrics. This way you can see how my words fit with the original song to a point, but not singable in my version, lol.

Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" Sequence, Performed by Idina Menzel , original version:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.

..
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.

..
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!

..

Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back any more. Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.

..
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

..

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all

..
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I'm free!

..

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.

..
Here I'll stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

...

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

..

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

..
Here I stand, in the light of day.

..

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway...

.........



I hope you all are doing well and enjoying life!
*loving hugs for all*
Ty for reading!
~Jennifer Wolf

Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 2) ~Queen - Under Pressure

Hi, I'm just following up on another song that hit home for me and fits very well for most fighters and survivors of cancer, and it fit well with all I'm currently experiencing now too.

I currently am in between my second and third chemo treatments, and the good days are getting harder to come by but I am in no way complaining, nor am I in no way throwing any towel in on this full and aggressive treatment. Even though I have been coping with the physical and mental wake of post cancer chaos of the last 7+ years, my focus on having my life put back on track has never stopped. So it is with this focus that I am driven to use what health I have gained to go head first in the most aggressive option I was given, since it has that better chance of having a better life sooner.

My use of the word "soon" does not by any means define the true nature of fighting cancer of any type, especially some types like primary liver complicated by low liver function due to a remaining (yet mild case as the docs describe) auto-immune hepatitis condition.

Anyhoo, getting back to the point of the post, here is another song by Queen called Under Pressure. It is probably just my recent awareness of coincidences in life and the elements that make up some days for me, like listening to music or watching videos on YouTube, but I thought it would be good to share this with you all.


As with the last post with lyrics, I will use the same format:


("actual song lyric")

-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.








 ........................


Queen - Under Pressure

....

(Pressure
pushing down on me
pressing down on you
no man ask for)

-Cancer, Worry, Bills, Fear of the still unknown and undetected,
The Effects of the Meds, the Treatments, my Choices within the Options given by my oncologist that best fits my case... It all pushes down on me, as each fighter/survivor has their unique burdens of The Journey weighing down on them. It not only pushes down on us but pushes down on the family and friends. And I say this to you the reader... "Cancer pushes down on me, Pushes down on you..." ... and neither of us asked for this, , . cancer and all that ensues within each fighting journey is truly something no person will ever ask for!

...

(under pressure
that burns a building down
splits a family in two
puts people on streets)

-All that bears down, all that is involved with fighting cancer, any stage of cancer, will place strain on even the most resilient individual's life. A life that has either been built up within many years or has just begun and still is in development with plans for college, plans for success, ... plans... ...a life built, no matter the stage it is built up on, comes to a abrupt halt and for many, all that was built is burned down. This very change in one's life can sometimes sadly distance some otherwise very close people in your life once you break the news you have cancer. For some, myself included, become very close to being put on the streets, but I am fortunate to have such a wonderful friend who stood up and accepted her life to be changed by my cancer, that which I had no other choice but to have my life changed by it. In many regards it has been a good change equally with the bad, but it is a perspective only explained by each individual. Sadly for some, the fight can result in loss of home and therefor those fighters end up on the streets by the insane financial strains fighting cancer brings.

...

(It's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming "let me out"
pray tomorrow
gets me higher
pressure on people
people on streets
It's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming "let me out"
pray tomorrow
gets me higher
pressure on people
people on streets)

-For everyone on earth directly and indirectly effected by cancer, the fight will never end, because we constantly strive to find something or someone who knows what can make the suffering less or end it completely with a cure. While reading, searching and inquiring for such better ways, we find ourselves engulfed by this community of fighters and survivors alongside wonderful caregivers. The fact that this truth that cancer is happening all around us and for many it occurs without a way of curing it fully due to the lack of detecting it early, .. it is truly terrifying of knowing what this world is all about, especially when one watches a friend suffering with late stage cancer and medicated in bed, unable to get up on their own anymore, wake up terrified screaming "Let me out!" ..Our freedoms in life are something no one should ever take for granted, freedoms like walking to the bathroom on your own, cooking for yourself or just being able to think clearly without forgetting what it was you were thinking about a second ago. We all pray in our own ways for better tomorrows and optimism and positive thinking does get our spirits higher for sure, no matter where the fighter of cancer ends up, be it at home with their spouse, with parents, a friend or on the streets. It is truly crucial to have positiveness in each perspective compared to the individual bases for comparison to result in optimism for that bit of quality of life.

...

(Turned away from it all like a blind man
sat on a fence but it don't work
keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
why, why, why!
Love....)

-Many people have not been touched by cancer, and many choose to ignore it. turning that blind eye on cancer and the need to find the cure is not ever going to work to save those we love later on. Sitting on the fence waiting and procrastinating to learn more about the basics of cancer and how you can help is not the solution for a cure, ..."it don't work!" ....sitting on that fence for that cure to just pop up will not save those you love, and every single person who does help brings that cure that much closer. Imagine if no one helped find this cure we still seek.... how can anyone imagine that while imagining loving our family and friends who find that cancer crept into their lives, leaving their lives slashed and torn without any cure due to no one helping. Today we are so fortunate we do have people helping, but to those who don't help, I cant help but to ask, "why? why? why?" The answer why we all help is: "Love"...

...

(insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
can't we give ourselves one more chance
why can't we give love that one more chance
why can't we give love, give love, give love
give love, give love, give love, give love, give love)

-For those of us who have experienced a cancer journey that spans many years, it is through sheer dark humor that sometimes helps us cope with the day to day miseries we struggle with, be it keeping food down while we joke our body confused the food with cancer and threw it out, or we just come up with funny reasons why we forget something so easy like the name of a friend, but we hope they laugh too, but under the pressures of the worry they have for us we too worry and find our sanity sometimes cracks. All we can do is focus on the love we have for each other and just understand that love is the basis for all we do for one another, and it is why we fight, to hold onto time to be with those we love, for more time, more loving time. We must relay for life, relay for time, relay for love, to give love that one more chance. Give love, give hope, give hope.. Love and hope...

...

(Cause love's such an old fashioned word
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves
this is our last dance
this is ourselves
under pressure
under pressure
pressure)

-Because Love is the true old fashioned reason we seek for the cure. Love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the darkness of their lives who struggle to eat, to breath, to live, to love you back with open eyes to not show that pain they feel for the sake of those who love them... That love dares humanity to change our way of caring about ourselves as a civilized species. Dares us all to continue relaying for life until that cure is found, because for many of us who are still fighting for life, for time, for a normal life... This is our last dance, and as a whole, this is our last dance, our last chance to help those we love. This is our last chance, this is ourselves under pressure. This is us relaying for life, it is that pressure that drives us to care, to change our way we care for ourselves and for those fighting for life.
And, as one of the many who currently are fighting hard to beat this disease inside of us, "This IS our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure!" ....


.......................

~Jennifer Wolf March 28, 2016
(My thoughts listening to this song)

...again, thank you for reading, bye for now!
~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Thoughts while I listen to songs (Part 1) ~Queen - The Show Must Go On

Another re-post from Facebook as the last post was. There will be a couple more like this so bear with me. Now on to the post.....




Hi everyone, right now I'm pretty well medicated, and yet oddly I am thinking slightly clearer for the moment, or I just got really good rest. I woke up with a song running in my mind that has been sorta my mantra lately as I enter a new chapter of a journey I honestly hoped would not be so strewn with issue after issue with complications and whatnot of all that is relative to the subject of attempted cancer survival, physically, mentally and equally emotionally.

...

Bear with me and this odd format as I'm typing this from my brother's phone again, and it may be still hard to follow my words, but I do feel a bit clear right now, I hope it lasts through the day, I think its from getting good rest after yesterday though. I still think it is odd though.

...

The song is by Queen, and I am very certain most of you know it. The song is called "The Show Must Go On"

Now first, one should think how someone fighting cancer would think, perhaps numerously fighting cancer, and imagine the thoughts this person would have relative to the words in the lyrics of this song. So with that in your mind, here is thought spurts as I listen to this song....

[The format is ...

("actual song lyric") 

-followed by my thoughts relative to my perspective of my journey.....]


...


Queen - The Show Must Go On

...

("Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for")

-The once full life of activity and productive focus all turn vacant within the fog of meds taken to survive, what kind of life is this in this moment of feeling so totally outside yourself, lost in thoughts, lost on focus, lost of momentum.


...


("Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore")

-Another possible cure, another wait for approval of use to save lives now... so many ways to help so many, yet the cure remains covered from our eyes, ...for many of us time runs short and we cant take cancer anymore...


...


("The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on")

-Relaying for life goes on, we must strive on, towards a cure....
So many are lost each day, my heart breaks,....and as I lay in my bed thinking of this new round of chemo, and how it is only to isolate this cancer only to my liver, eliminating any spread, where then they will deal with the tumor there, I feel like I am falling apart inside, .... I just think of ways to stay smiling.


...


("Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free")

-I feel good about this time, I know I can win, but accept the destination of my path, although it hurts to say, I am prepared for what-if's chances, ..life's past relationships, and those I have hope in the future, this just hurts my heart to think being alone for longer is just my new normal. Perhaps my reasons to still be here on earth is beyond relationships, ...if only I knew what my reasons were. I do not want to miss out on that, so I fight on...
I have learned so much from having cancer, life is still short no matter how long I do survive, I must do my best to be the best me in this world, and accept the gifts life brings, living to the fullest yet accepting what lies around each unseen bend. This life may still be in it's light of dawn, but here I am in the seemingly darkness of my health again, and I just ache to be free........


...


("The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh")

-The fight must go on, I will carry on, for sure!....
I may be falling apart again while poisons run inside of me, soon bald again, soon even worst feelings of yukky sick and schedules for operations to put me back together after yet another tumor extraction possibility, ....for the sake of myself but mainly for my family here, my smile still stays on.


....


("My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends")

-As I sit here thinking of my past 7+ years with cancer in my life I feel the gifts of what life brought me thru friends and experiences.... oh, these words say it best, my favorite part of this song...
* 'My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends!' ... *
....My fight is taking flight my friends, I am optimistic, yet I am not bulletproof, this smile shows bright thru the tears that run on my face as fearful thoughts still run thru my mind based on my past experiences...


...


("The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on.
The Show Must Go On, The Show Must Go On")

-My fight goes on, this battle continues on, I face it with this grin, and I'm never giving in!...
I will beat this thing, continue to relay in my way, this cancer will be killed, I have the will to carry on, my life must go on!"


...


~Jennifer Wolf -mar. 18, 2016
(Thoughts I had as I listened to this song)
...

...

Ty for reading.
Bye for now,
  ~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

Remission: Oct 30th, 2012 - March 10th, 2016

I wrote this on a smartphone and posted it on Facebook, so the format is a bit off for there as it is here. I did intend this for my blog here so here it is, although late, from the original post date of March 16th, 2016. I did fix a few things to the format so it still looks normal here at least (also fixed the post date to show the original date I posted on Facebook too, today is April 16th, exactly a month later).

Hope it comes out "ok". :) 

 ....Also I have a few other posts on Facebook that should be here too, so I will be bringing them here as well. Hope you have your reading eyes on, so here they go......



    [ As posted on my Facebook timeline: ]

The following truly should be posted on my blog, but for sake of simplicity, I am just typing it here. I am also a bit unfocused from my meds, so bear with me (I don't handle meds very well, but the pro/con balance says I should deal with the cons to have the pros!  *dull "yay"*). I may simply copy and paste this to my blog later on, but for now, since things will begin tomorrow, I choose to post here so all who read this has some form of update of this girl who has for the most part been absent from the usual online activities I been more known for. Also I am typing this from my brother's phone so format may look a bit odd. Now for my actual post........

***

Hi everyone,
Coincidences sure can be an amazing aspect of life especially when u add the fact that most people's lives are connected to the net, where we either share our experiences, and or read about others' journeys, or simply read news about whats going on in the fields of health and treatments that are increasingly successful today.

***

Within the many YouTube channels I subscribe to about sciences, life, inspiration and simple stories of everyday basic life of prospective you-tubers trying to find success in a growing industry of online media, I often find myself viewing videos newly posted each day that oddly happen to coincide with something I am going thru in my life, or with a funny subject of a conversation with my brother the night before or a thought in my head the very moments I hit the play button on one of those new videos on my subscribed list.

***

The same, yet scary coincidences I find occur here on Facebook too. I have been reading much about many friends directly or slightly indirectly coming back into the subjects of cancer. I do not silently giggle about what I mostly find, but I do tend to "lol" when it comes to my thoughts of having to suddenly pee right at the moment I start watching a video about "body hacks", where one such "trick" mentioned was if you find u must pee in a bad way and are not yet at or near a potty, simply scratch your calf/back of your lower leg, and the urge will ease for a bit, and allow you to stand in those lines waiting at times, without doing that well known dance.

***

So many coincidences but I will not list them all, so on with the point...

***

Tomorrow I will be starting something I have lately been reading of others talking about going thru or will soon be doing.

***

Now, I know by this point many reading this are thinking just what I am going on about, and some of you may already know exactly what I am typing about here. What I will say for now is, I am optimistic, I am confident things will go "ok".

***

To put it in words I can simplify from a far longer post here into far less typing....

***

"REMISSION:
Oct. 30th, 2012 - Mar. 10th, 2016 ~Jennifer Wolf"

***

Now for some details...

***

What contrasted scans found after several tests to narrow down blood lab result changes over the last few months are, two spots. One the size of a pea in my liver, another smaller in a "local" lymph gland. Although this sounds scary and spreading, it is not as spread as it sounds, so do to my overall health being good lately otherwise, they want to do full chemo treatments for at least a month to see how the spots react and may go for longer depending on what they find at that point, after which I will be back on chemo pills (low dose) for at least a month or two after full treatment ends. I used to be on these before but I heard there's a slight change now for this than before.

***

I know "treatment" does not end per say, but I look at it as episodes of a tv series, where events come in chapters rather than a long drawn out 3-6 month suspense movie.

***

So for now, I will truly be off and on the net as I stroll down this new path of my journey.

***

Worry not as I am far better off today than I was before, and I along with treatment will be far more aggressive than this cancer is, which my docs officially are calling a 2nd round, also officially ending my remission status.

***

Optimism, hope, modern sciences, faith and prayers may sound like two ends of the belief spectrum, but they are what I do try to maintain focus on, and simply put, that's how I roll!

***

Be well and do take care. Things on my end are ok considering so worry not. I am not worried for where this path leads me, but I will be honest that I am terrified for the unknown detours a journey can suddenly take. Even though, Im content with my being fully prepared for anything too. And I do in fact plan to getting past this little bump in the road for sure.

  Thank you for reading.
Bye for now!
~Jennifer Wolf  o:)

I am still, still here ...older, but here....

 Yes I am still around, still at home, still where I was since I last posted, back in October of 2014, lol. OMG, how time still flies by when it feels like its 50 years living it, yet you look back and wonder...  "what...  wait...   its 2016?!!!!"

             *big sigh*

 Ya time tends to do that when you live the usual ups and downs of post cancer life, riddled with complications of old complications, that only cause further complications as time goes by on certain meds, that must be changed after a while, causing new problems with new side effects, and then you return to the original meds that now seem to give new side effects never before experienced!  *pause to catch breath*    ......all in all it's just complicated!


                So, what has gone on
               since I been, "still here"?

  Well,  I  aged,  I  slept, I woke, I still am grateful each day I wake up and see another day, that has not changed.  I also recently had my 30th birthday!  WOW!   Ya, what a milestone to experience,  for sure!   So  there's that,   I  got to  see Mammoth Lakes  again last (late) summer as the temps began to cool actually, which was a nice change from the usual stuffs, like staying home, lol. It rained some, even hailed, and then it snowed for about 10 minutes, but none stuck, but that night was not restful,  hail is loud on tents,  along with wind that test your two tent stakes per corner idea, lol. I did tie a thin rope I used to use for this reason, from a tree to the tent, so I wont blow away, unless nature feels its my time to experience the myth of literally being blown away in a tent.  All was  good tho,  but had a lil flooding in the tent, but this girl thinks smart (sometimes) and I set up on a slight hill, so I was dry, thanks to a huge tarp I brought, lol.


  To get to the point of why I  have returned to writing this is..  well,   the "ups and downs" , especially lately. And they have seemed to be a bit on the extreme side of "average" this past year, especially these past couple months. So here I am, putting it to text, so it helps me sort my thoughts on things.


              Now to touch on what
                     these been for me....

  I been doing better most times,  been walking,  eating well,  so my weight has reached my target range, so I no longer need to gain up, so there's that. I been doing oks with my hypoglycimia too,  not had to take a glucose shot for a long while now, thanks to healthier diet and walking, and minimal exercise I do. All in all I been doing    ...oks.


                Now the down
                     side of things....

  I had some spots found in a scan last summer, and that was by far the scariest time I experienced last year.  I did go thru some treatments, but not for "months" this time, and it was successful they said.
   *fears subside*
 So we went on a camp trip as soon as I was cleared to do so. It was truly fun and despite how I felt, I pushed myself to hike a little and even ride my bike too. I had to get back to my recovery I reached before going in a bad "down", so I pushed hard of course. I am still to this day trying to get back to where I reached.

                     
          [text message]:How u been?
          [me]: oh, I'm doing ok...   o:)

  After returning home,  I did my best to focus on the good, and not think at all of what bad I  still had to deal with, so I just  basically put a bandaid on the issues and ran thru the motions of coping with them and  in my way, pretended all was back to my normal. When asked how I was doing, I would simply respond with,  "I'm doing ok"  ...which often got me that "just 'ok'?" response, lol.   Yes, I have been "ok", but I know the power of suggestion,  be it out loud/literal, or just mental, it is how I get thru my time, and I choose to be ok,  so I am just that,     "ok".

  Now saying   I am "ok"   is  telling the truth honestly,  it is by no means telling a lie, but it is not  admitting to being great and healthy or being bad and sick. It just means I am ok with how I am, , which can actually be a good thing at the moment,  or  with a headache (most cases lately) in another moment, or simply that I woke up that day sick and puking and I feel much better, for the moment, bringing back to my valid answer of saying that I am "ok".


              Does Worry have hair?

  Sooo....  anyhoo,     here is  whats  got me by the  worry hairs lately...     My last  few blood tests  have been a bit out of range.  Not just  on  my liver function, but on some other stuffs too.  To spare you on details,  I'll admit I am not up to disclosing the exact numbers and stuffs here, since I am honestly not going to look thru the result papers to decipher what each thing means,  but  what they show is,   some   "markers"  are   showing again.  Now, the first time this happened,   I  had to  go in for another test,  a week later. That one  did not show anything, other than my liver function was still "off" a bit,  so  I  went back on the prednisone, but they gave me twice my dose I used to take.


                Wut R U on now?!

  Prednisone can suck in so many ways,  but it is different for others. I basically get bad headaches,  and at times cant keep food down. Some days I feel like I have a flu, others Im ok but my brain is far from clear. This aspect of this med is one reason I stopped writing here. I was on "pred" then, and it frustrated me to no end to try writing (writers block to the extreme), so I stopped all that frustrated me, and that  turned out to be almost everything I used to do, lol.
Am I on it now?  ....yup.
  I just  learned to deal with it,  but really,  I  just  learned to function between the crap times and just work on the good moments of my day. Those moments I focus on to feel "ok" about my day as night comes and dinner time arrives to possible visits facing the toilet yet again. Thankfully its not often so it has not affected my weight so Im still maintaining that, so..   Im "ok"!


               Vampires!
          they dress like nurses!
              I kno, I seen them!

Back to that blood test thing...    Third times a charm,   well,   maybe not a charm,   it  came back  showing the markers again. I had to be scanned again, this time full body, so ya, that was  done.  They  found only those spots that are  "not active", but,    I had a swelling under my right ribs that my doc concluded I slept wrong, which lately I have been doing, (fetal position) since  I been dealing with some bad headaches. The scary thing of all this is,  I feel  that lump under my ribs just as I did  back when I felt it with that horrific pain,   that kept me awake  for days at a time,  back when  I  was fighting cancer.   It is not a fun feeling to feel this,   as it is far too close to de-ja-vu for me.  So far,  they (docs) have been keeping a close eye on my progress,  and I even send emails thru the health chart site they have me on,  so I post  my conditions on a daily rate there for them. The swelling was around the bile duct,  where I still have a stent, so,  having that and bending too far is not all that great,  even tho its small!


                 Docs online and...
       why are bottle caps so hard to twist!

It is   greatly important to be cooperative with the docs and their new online systems they use so they can better  care for you. I am glad my docs use this tech so I can feel better they at least know my daily "goings-on" and can arrange my appointments based on what they see in my daily posts to them,  or  to my charts as they call it.

Oh...    another thing,   as I just now took a drink of water from my waterbottle,  my hand has been hurting,  simply to grip things, and I was told it was arthritis!   Wut-the!?!   Im just 30!    *UGH*

So ya,  had to add that,  as it hurt bad twisting the cap off this water bottle just now,  and hurt to tighten it. I mean, I'm not even twisting it too tight,  it just hurts to tighten it a lil! 
*whaaa*   old age hitting too soon peoples!


            Ahhh...complications!
                      ...I get it now!

  I know,  some of you are prolly   figuring it out right now.  Yes,  it is due to low liver function,  going thru really bad times with  cancer in the past,  jaundice, bad atrophy, even the hypoglycemia, all contributes to bad joints, bad everything if u think on it long enough, lol. I just  am still  hoping for better days still, so  my answer  will still be "ok"  if  I'm asked how I am doing,  if they  catch me online, lol.  And I  mostly go online only when I am feeling my best that day, so  ya,  "ok" is what you get from me,  as that is what I am focusing on at the time.


        Still planning for "What-ifs"!!
               ...cuz u never know!

  Whatever lies ahead for me, is something I am not going to put much worry in,  as there is truly nothing I can do more than I am already doing to improve anything. I am already  doing all I can do, and I will continue doing so until I can not do it for whatever reason. But to shortly put it this way, I am still fully prepared for the "what-if" side of life. I even have plans put forth in places like games I have spent time in,, so that  what I created is still of use to those others who have come to enjoy it and that is a good thing for them to still have "if"  something does  ever happen.  We all have our time, so why not keep things  set up for those "what-ifs" if I was already prepared that before?  It is far easier for me to maintain my position of preparedness than to let it fall unprepared and have that to worry about when I can not longer do anything to fix it. So I  set it up now when I can so its done and set.


             We all are born in debt!!

I kno, I kno,  morbid,  but that is life! deal with it!  We all  owe death a visit, so its not like anyone is exempt from death.   It is actually best to have it far easier for your loved ones to have your side of things in order so they wont have to deal with excessive loose ends when after your time comes. It may be just me, but that's how I am. And this is what I am doing lately, as I know what the 5 year survival rate is for such cancer cases as I had/have/had?/have?/you-know-what-I-mean!  Im at 3 years, 3 months-ish already since I was told "all-clear", so,  lets see how things go in a couple years!  I  plan to be far better, but I do in fact plan for the worst but hope for the best. And it is by no means  like spending my life dieing, but only  being prepared so I can live in peace without worry of this mess for those left behind. But then too, I will also be prepared for greatness to come my way too, should I need to remember everything I may come to forget, I can  return to things easily and not leave anything out. Passwords are a pain to remember sometimes and that's part of my plan book. Just as it is part of my "What-if" Protocol notebook as well!   ;)


           Turned 30 but feel 70!
         Hand me my walker, I gotta pee!

For now, I need to rest my hand from typing,  I  have not typed this much at once lately and I can sure feel it right now. It is hard to make a fist without pain, so I need to soak them in hot water with Epsom salt or something, lol. So much for knitting with yarn when I get truly old, lol. My hands are already a mess,   now to plan something different for my senior age plans!  LOL.  They even hurt when I chat for a long while too,  but I never really let it get to me, I enjoy chatting with friends, but this old girl is a mess , lol.     ...old...  30...  heh!

I will try to  post more as things turn up in these recent times of extreme "ups and downs" so if and when I can I will work on this between my headaches and stuffs I been dealing with daily. Lets just hope for the best. Im just trying to get well, and get through some hard times but I will be "ok" so no worry yet! I not given up since late 2008, and I sure not going to give up now! But when you gotta go, you gotta go!  ...take that one for what it's worth, lol   :P

Thank you for reading, and be well!
Bye for now all,  *big hugs*  
~Jennifer Wolf   o:)

I'm Still here! o:) ....

I know it has been a very long time but I have been on a bit of a soul searching of sorts and a break from the usual and doing some serious sorting of plans and, well, basically just gathering my life piece by itty bitty piece. So, I am back at working on some drafts, posts to come and updates of course, as I am sure many of you have wondered where I been all this time, lol. I will keep you "posted" soon. *hugs you all* ~Jenn o:)

A scare from tests, a biopsy, and found Love within the insanity. This is my life's journey this month!

~From fear to calm, from pain to love~

 

First off, this blog post involves writing that I worked on during the past month, spanning from October and on into November. So really, more than a month's time.  Almost each chapter is a new entry in this journey of fear, anxiety, worry, pain, and eventually, discoveries of loving friendships. It has been quite a month, so sit down, relax, and take a little ride thru  my latest  travels along life's path. It still amazes me to re-read it.  I hope you enjoy!   o:')

______________

~One year of "All-Clear"!! Yay!!!

"Anniversary" blood test results "not normal"

...CRAP!!!~

Hi everyone, welcome to fear factor, I'll be your host, Jennifer Wolf, ...AND I will also be the only contestant!


....Ok, no one would want to play this game, trust me, and I kno many who understand and are going thru the very same fears as I am. I am far into the fear, the anxiety, and I have many reasons to be. First off, I just celebrated my first year of "all-clear" this past Oct 30^th. So, yay!!.


Now, as my doc set me up for an appointment with the vampire (blood test), I figured, things will prolly be a lil off, since I not been feeling as well as I know I should. Now, I will explain. I have to watch my sugar intake, I tend to drop sometimes and have to either eat a candy or take a glucose tablet. In the last month alone, I had to go as far as requiring the glucagon shot. I not had to need that for many months now. So I kno, there is something a lil off. I been a lil tired lately, so, on one visit, they did a test of my heart, I had to go on two machines so far, one is that EKG, other I really cant remember the name. My heart is around 80% efficiency, which is a lil better than it was before, but as some know, hard treatments can screw things up in the fight against the cancer in you. I had to stop hard treatments because of this, even tho they wanted to keep going. I chose to stop. I still made it tho, I still reached an all-clear. But was told the risk for relapse was that much more possible.


Now from all I been told and all I have read, everywhere, the cases similar to mine has a high chance of relapse within the first year. Survival rate alone was extremely low as it was, and I got that far, but I will see on the "tenth" year of survival for a full idea on that fact still, lol (yes, there are complications that can continue problems after an all-clear is given after fighting certain cancers, like mine, that can make surviving hard to reach ten years sometimes, so time will tell, but when I do reach that tenth year, I will know, I am finally, in the clear!). So, I will say to you, I truly question, how many chances does one have at winning the lucky card of survival? I had many in my life as it is, how long will this streak last? I just got to this point of regaining health where I feel I can get better and I feel I do in fact have a chance of living a normal life one day.


So now, I have this blood test, and a few days after, my friend gets a call, ...that I have an appointment with the radiology. The fact the date was not far at all from that call, told me something was bad.





The scan takes a while, as it is the PET/CT scan, and I am nervous beyond words to say the least. I am told, as always, I must wait for results, and they will call if anything is found. This just sounds like a truly bad suspense movie, I just want to get up and walk right out of this theater and not ever go back to this movie! I just can't tho, I am the damn main character! CRAP!!! *yells as writer and directer* "CUT!!!!!!!"

______________

~The wait, the call, the wait, the suspense, the non-stop thoughts and fear.... Halp!!!~

I get home, after being turned into the human compass, and I swear if I float in a pool, I will point north. Those scans are scary when u watch those insane videos on youtube about how strong those electro-magnets are on those scan machines. Soo, I wait. Day one, nothing. I cant sleep. Day two, My friend gets a call. I was not with her when she got that call, but how she came to me when she got home, told me something was definitely wrong. She tried to not make me feel its bad, by the way they told her they just "want to be sure, but they..." ya, that's where my heart dropped, at the "but". There is always a "but" somewhere in bad comings of bad news. It is just like how they say about the word "assume" They teach you that little phrase to remember how to spell it and a lesson of it's use at the same time.... "If you assume, it only makes an ASS out of U and ME". It is an example for my phrase of the word "but" in any news anywhere. "Assoon assyou see the word 'but' come around, something is about to STINK!" Mebbe I hung around my brother too much , but that's the way the "gas flows". Butt seriously ppl, hide the beans from my bro, lol. He knows my humor, and he is laughing beside me as I type this actually. :)


Soo, Cindy continues saying, they want to be sure, but they suspect an abnormality. I had to go in for a visit. October was not fun in many ways with docs, let me tell you. My heart I am pretty sure, averaged over 100BPM on average at full relax. I am sooo not exaggerating too. The chest pains I had off and on thru this fiasco told me I was pushing it hard on the fear factor. So the wait to see the doc began. The wait to see the doc to hear details begins. The wait, , again.....

______________

~Why when they say "there's nothing serious, 'but', we must do a biopsy", I freeze up and almost panic?~

So I get to the doc, and as soon as I get called in, we follow the nurse to the lil room. In it is my file, which is getting thick so wont fit in the door file holder. Usually they just use the "current" folder, but again, this is where I panic, since they had the whole mess on the table by the sink. Last time I saw all that, was right before I had my last major surgery. So, panic time!


The doc turns on the monitor and opens up files, and soon I see a myself in ways I usually don't see, my innards. He zooms into my abdomen, shows where I my last operation was, from last February, removing the cyst with ovary and tube. This time, a 3cm cyst was on the outer wall of my uterus. It looked "massy", and different from the other two cysts ( both less than 1cm and barely noticeable) that were "normal" (LOL), but those were not flagged for concern. Those two were not in the same place, but up by the area of my liver where they did a few operations in. Those were described as normal fluid type cysts, most common in areas of scar tissue. ..."O---K.."


They go to the one they want to discuss about doing a biopsy on in the scan shot on the screen and discuss more on it, and asked how I felt, questions of my monthly times (erratic to non existent still), if I had probs with pain, and bloated feelings. I seriously had none of that, out of the mess I already experience. I wrote down all my questions for the doc to read, all I was curious about, and he answered all but one. Will I lose another ovary? Will I need to worry of a relapse? Will this be something that will push me back on my progress to regain my health, dealing with yet some more trauma to my system that my health will have to take another year to regain?


The doc couldn't answer that last question. I have what the doc calls, low function liver, I must still take nutritional supplements to aid in my health regain, and basically, to sustain as normal life as possible without more problems, like jaundice, as I did have before. The liver is very resilient, but the numbers are still not where they shud be for me, so is why I am still on the prednisone, even at low dose, but I am also dealing with other probs left over from the initial messes of the journey thru hell. I have not given up, I will not give up, so, good days will be reached no matter what.

______________

~The wait continues, and now for the biopsy surgery in two weeks!!!! ...Oh how I wish I cud be healthy and normal! :(    ~

................waiting...............worry sets in deeper.............waiting..........anxiety attacks...........can't sleep............... .....Haaalllp!!!


Ok, so, I try to busy myself in Rift, a game much like World of Warcraft, and I have been playing this game for over a month at this point. I had mentioned of meeting new friends there. The game can be a place of volatile occurrences, and so goes with everything on the side of real life coupled with a MMO game. So, things can be an "up and down" there as anywhere else, and stress can in fact do u bad, no matter how much u try to not allow it's effect. I may not make sense, but Im sure, I know what I mean. Anyhoo, the game gets to that point I don't see the fun as before, and I just watch netflix to relax, but I just tend to think too much with movies and the anxiety starts up again. I need to find better shows to watch, lol. Mebbe I just need someone to simply listen to me when I need to talk about whats eating at me inside at times (figuratively speaking).


Well, time gets close, and the anxiety is beyond what I figured on. I just need to relax but I cant. I try, but I cant. Many ups and downs during this time and the stress level is thru the roof. Fear and hope, heartaches and anxiety, worry and everything else added in that all totals out where I am in life, and the "bad" , simply just comes to a head at this point. I just can not do this anymore. It is truly wearing me down, and I must know things will be ok. That I can get my life back on track, but this operation, I kno will only push me back a far way that will only prolong my inability to do what I want for my life, and delay my efforts even more.


How can someone my age find someone to share my life with, when my life is so unfair to anyone who remotely cares for me already? How can I want to find love, when being loved by someone is truly being selfish on my part, while my health problems are a true source of fear and worry for them. ....So, is wanting to be loved by a significant someone only for my own satisfaction of being loved? It is just not fair for both sides of the subject. I want to have a life, I want to get out, earn a paycheck, go places, see friends, be able to feel comfy with people seeing me, and I want to fix my skin, my face , the scars, the mess I see. I want to afford to pay my bills, to buy a home, to go on vacations. I want to get married, to truly extend my heart to the one who can really accept it and see the full value of the love within me. I am trapped here. This illness crap is my own prison. And I feel at this point, my life sentence, is life without love, intimacy, , and after more surgery, life, without parole.

______________

~Friends sure do help tons, and those u love, even if just around you, can ease the soul's misery.~

I do have amazing friends, and I can not ever thank them all enough. Even if my journey is so confusing to them, even if my life is just too crazy, they find ways to help calm me, and ease away the fears. I had great support along the way, especially in the last couple days before the day of surgery, I truly had a torrent of support, and time with people who really do care. I felt myself falling near the end of this recent hell in my mind, but sometimes you are amazed by those who prove they do truly care and love you enough to reach far enough to bring you back from the hole u felt you were in too far deep to be found. I can not put into words of the things friends have done for me, and I will always be searching for ways to express how I feel.


So. with so much good on my mind these past couple days, I felt much better going in the hospital on this day I was fearing so much, for so long, to have a cyst removed for biopsy, to find out if it is a bad kind or whatever. I still was terrified, I was still fearing bad news, but I am so glad it is now over. I was told I had nothing to worry about by the surgeon who saw me in recovery. The nurses were very nice too. Now the wait for results begins.

______________

~The final score is in! Ty for playing "fear factor" ...a game here you never know what to expect, good, or bad, or both! But the final result , is great!~

So the day now comes, and I have been thru a ton in the last few days besides this waiting and everything having to do with health, so, I will get to the great news. I could not sleep the night and early morning before today's afternoon appointment for the results with the doctor. So when I felt I was about to fall onto my keyboard, I logged off and fell asleep. I was then woken up to get ready to go, and I saw only an hour had passed and I had ten minutes to wake up, get dressed, and in the car to get to the doc's. The trip to and from the doc was about an hour or so and as soon as I got back home I set my clock and knocked out. I had to wake to tell my friends of the great news. And now I type it to you all here. :)


It was nothing but a cyst, benign, and only 28mm (just under 3 cm). It's location was in an area of concern years ago during my cancer journey, as during this time i had small tumors in places as they called them, along with several cysts. Years later and crazy treatments and insanity later, they all but gone and only cysts remain here and there. So, this one that looked irregular, was nothing more than that, just a cyst. I am so very relieved and happy!




I want to have a good ending to the painful path I have traveled on during this time in the fight for my life, the last 5 years. I have had nice times along the way, but knew it could only be for so long, but this time, it truly feels good, and I feel better times are in my future for sure. For now, I must get going, so, I bid you all a good night or day, and I thank you for reading my latest chapter of my journey.

*big hugs to all*

~Jennifer Wolf o:)

Where have I been? I think I got lost, mebbe...

 

 

A Lost Girl, An Unknown Journey Ahead, And a few Frustrations to Pewpew!

Hi everyone,   I know it has been  like,  three months,  but   life just gets interesting  at every turn of each day. Even days where nothing seems to occur!  Ya,  I been  on a breather from my usual activities online,  I have had a lot of thinking to do,   frustrations to sort (resolve still pending *grrs*), and baddies to  pew pew.   I been lost in my head lately, but Im finding my way,  one "baddie" at a time!

I am at that point where I am walking better. I know, big yay moment,  and I am happy about it,  but due to  some other drawbacks of the damage done, I am still unable to really get back to the work I once did.  I have options, but none seems to be the right thing for my  vision of my  future, and I do not want to just jump in to get out in haste and be sorry later on. I want to  think, I want to   find the answer I seek,  the  door  to open to my beginning of life,  again.

It is of  unknown proportions that effort that will be required,  and I have the drive to  succeed,  but  things  get in the way, but I  overcome each as they  appear, but  I end up in the same place,  each day.  In my room,   by my pc,  wondering what I should do next for the moment.  Do I watch a show on netflix?,  shall I write in my blog?,   Shall I update my  job search status,  again?,   shud I just log into Rift and kill some baddies to  make me feel   I  let some  built up steam  caused from all my frustrations?  I  tend to   find funny ways to  release  stress,  and   in the past,  it was World of Warcraft,  and  these days,  I  have  tried  a game called Rift,  it is fun, very much like WoW,  but   more  in early stages of development  compared to WoW. It is   awesome and I am a hunter,  and so there lies the  meaning of,  "pew pew"   as the arrows  go pew from my bow,  killing the baddies, lol.

Shall I get rest now and then?  Shall I  try to level my character more before I sleep?

Times can play funny things on the mind when in situations of  thot, while in a place you wish to move on from in your real life, as things pile up on you keeping you  in place.  I will not give up trying,  but OMG,  let me get  going already!  So,   to take breaks from  my  unrelenting thoughts of figuring what I can do,  as I look up one link after another,  apply,   get  rejections,  one , after another, after another....,    and  just   , at times I find myself buried in my pillow,  just  tired, mentally, and I cry,   for hours.

What  can a girl do to  stop this?  She plays  an MMO game!  Ya,  I  found  killing baddies  has a therapeutic aspect to it,  even tho the baddies are only pixels battling  pixels, lol.  Everything these days  has a user interface,  and my life lately  has been   utilizing  a UI from  an MMO,  called Rift.   Now put  my frustrations,  together with meds I still take,  and  my mind that never stops, and a fun game,  and  you get  long play time to occupy  the mind enough to   not feel overwhelmed by the  insanity of real life situations at hand. What you get, is  me playing this game for  long periods of time,   restless,   yet tired,   focused,  to level, and help the group achieve quests and such.  I'm such a game nerd now huh?   Oh well,  so be it! Nuthin wrong wif it!!  *gives  the crazy eye stare*    o.O

I will say this,  even in an MMO,  you can still meet awesome people. and  create a bond unlike  usual friendships in games. Another thing is,  most players tend to be guys,  and are just there to goof around and  just be  silly and  do  nothings all day, lol.  Girls do play too, this one does (points to self),  and others as well. In WoW I met families,    married couples,  and their kids, young, old, middle aged, you name it. I felt  like part of a family instead of a group of  goofballs in WoW, and I  enjoyed my time with them.  I miss them  to this day, since I no longer play, to save money for bills that will never end, and I hope I never lose contact of the few I still have from WoW on my FB list.

Jewels, gems, ...and stars,  a new analogy of friends! 

"Take a falling star and put it in your pocket....."   What?! 28 straight hours in game?!  

:O

Rift has brought me two new friends,  and  as I have mentioned about gems you find along the way on your path in your journey,   my life's crown  shines brighter with  them.   How I actually met one,  I  can't recall to be honest, I will have to get back to  that one in a bit, but  the first,  was  a guy who  grouped up with me and started helping me quest, and vise-versa. Before you knew it I was in his guild, and  so ended my play as a solo player.  Rift is  very quiet compared to WoW,  and  most  never talk,  so I  never try to be honest,  I am however there in this game to vent some  built up steam in my rl, but  here I am,  just   killing baddies, and I  find  friends when I was least looking. Sometimes  I find I trip on  great jewels  on my life's path, when I was not paying attention, lol.

Now  the second friend,  I  honestly can not  recall how I met,  but  she was this awesome healer in game,  and  I  do recall  the area, but   ,   meds  just  do bad things to my mind so I   tend to blank out  in moments  trying to remember things,  so  this be one.  Yes   meds do suck,   they   change the  moods,  change the  thots,   cause problems,  but keep u alive from  things  getting worst,  keeping   conditions  at a tolerable state to live life, but sometimes in a fog, lol.   So,  about this  new friend,    she   groups with me and I help pew pew best I cud,    and   far as I can recall her saying,  she liked how I controlled my pet,   and  ,  (blank) I no remember the rest, but she in my friend list,    then next thing,   she asks to join the guild.  Sometimes,   those  gems in your life just find their way in your pocket,  and you can not recall how  you got it in there, but the  feeling of joy to find such a jewel is the same,   one more to the crown!   Life  does get brighter from such gems in my life.

Now,   many  levels later,   this girl and I (I'll call her Star, Stargazer, as  that's her toon name) has grouped together  running quests,  killing badies,  she healing me as I  unleash my pewpew on big baddie mobs and  it has made  the game  so much more fun. I  have to say,  after  getting to know  friends better,  I  tend to separate the game from  real life and the game becomes just like any other communicative   format,  and  just like Secondlife,  we just  get into  convos   that have nothing to do bout the game, lol.  Its fun to  have girl talk, since I  talk to  guys mostly in games and  I   just   never get  time to be  with   my girly friends and chat  bout  stuffs like I used to, lol. Terminal illness can  find one with less friends in real life due to their not coping with it, or fears of it,  just  not wanting to  deal with knowing a friend is suffering. In the end I  found to be  with just a handful of real life pre-online existence friends left,  and all but my best friend/caregiver Cindy,  are guys!

So,   ty Star,   for  not only being awesome healer, but  being an awesome friend, and  staying  ingame, in the guild,  healing my pewpew butt for over 24hrs, straight, lol.   Never met anyone who can  stay up like I do, lol. I am  honored to know u,  and I see so much of me in you,    it is deja vu I sez!  Growing a bond with friends is a great thing,  and  being considered as your big sis has made me happy,  I  always  wanted a lil sis,  never had a sis in rl,  only my brother,  and I am grateful for him, and for having a sis too! Yay to having a sis!  :D  ..and she the best healer player I met too,  I so proud of u!

Mebbe  that's why I don't recall finding  this gem (my friend Stargazer),   this jewel  was a Star all along!  o:).

What to come next? What to do until then? What to find to poke in my ear to stop the insane thoughts of frustrations?!!  I'm just kidding..  And did this blog not  turn out as small as I thought it would be?

 

I have  some  stuffs to  sort for sure, but one thing is certain, I do need to get my life on track, I do need to  be on my own,  pay my way,  be the "me" I once was,  somehow.    I am thinking about taking a class in ASL,  I am thinking of  winning the lottery,  I am thinking of  going back in time and kicking my ass for  not getting checked and dragging myself to the hospital to avoid this  insane experience.  I am thinking I think too much, and so  why I find ways  to cope,  ways to tune out,  ways  to overcome the struggles and their  misery they cause to one's mind. I must  move forward,  as  going back to fix my past is not an option. I will continue to be strong, to be driven to succeed,  to  overcome my failures along the way,  and  be better each time I try again,  and again, and again.  If I die trying,  at least I went down  fighting, to have the life I had before cancer interrupted  my  momentum.

For now,  I will play Rift,  I will keep  commenting on  FB posts as I  been doing, I will chat with my dear friends,  I will  still be  me as I  always been,  but  I  say this to all concerned....    Don't worry if things  get quiet in my routine of activity, don't worry if I  take more breaks from  one  thing or other,   or just not log in to  certain  places (SL and Iw), and don't worry  when my posts  are simply  me venting  to the world,  I  no mean  offense to anyone if I  get  harsh in words, I  always edit out that stuffs, but  who knows what may  pop up if the fog  gets thick. Sometimes I just miss  what I say or do and  people  get confused,  but,  never forget,  you are not the only one confused at the moment, in fact, I  have  been  confused for the past 5 years.  

Think of that perspective,  if you have never  dealt with  such illnesses before.  Its not easy to imagine,  just as I  think of those  going through worst,   I just  can not  imagine their struggles,  being so much worst than my own.  Our "worst" is  purely   personal perspective in comparison,  and one's  "worst moment" is a cakewalk to another,  and is an  instant life-ender to others.   We all have different measures to life's crap, and how we tolerate them.  Just as there are no two cancer cases the same, no two treatment protocols the same,  so is very similar to  tolerance lvls, no two are the same from one person to another.   

So to those dealing with your worst right now in your life,   let me offer my support,  chat with me,  and we can help each other in this hell together. Life is not all hard, it does get better,  I promise you that.  We are stronger together, not alone. I  love  my friends deeply for this very thing,  I am honored to have them in my life to lean on,  and I hope to  have my shoulder  available to them too.  We all need to lean on someone from time to time, and I  know I always try to be the one to help,  to  guard my friends from injury,  to  be  the protector from life's harm.  But when I got sick,  I  learned how  it feels to need  the help, and  be protected even from myself at times.  

I thank you  for the help,  everyone,   simply by reading this post and all others before,   it helps me  to know,    that my   journey  has given some   inspiration to  someone to  find the  few  green patches in their own life to  breath and regain the strength to  go on, and find the  better place to be.  In life, without  suffering.   Pew pew the baddies!!    ....and again, ty for reading my story. 

*hugs you all*

Jennifer C. Wolf    o:)

Relay For Life of Second Life!! o:)

Relay For Life of Second Life is about to begin. SL is a 3D virtual world social online format, and today is the World's largest event in any virtual format, raising funds going to ACS (American Cancer Society). This is the 100th year of ACS, and so is this year's theme, "Celebrating 100 Years Of Hope!" . This year we hope to see the all time total of $2million since 2005! I will be relaying on the virtual track, lighting luminarys along the way. I built the Hope Lodge along with our team at our team camp along the track, and on the info wall, has an info board showing badges from Is My Cancer Different? and clicking on them leads the clicker to the web site! My team in SL is RFL ADvocacy, and that is exactly what we do, advocate, and I am so happy to be here to have this chance, to live, to smile, to type this, to help others be sure they are SURE they are diagnosed correctly, get all answers answered, and get all tools to learn everything about their cancer/s. I love you all, and I am passing out smiles and hugs too ! *big hugs* Here's a few pics. 

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/969328_687649211261956_677156932_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1011295_685787264781484_825140468_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1069230_687649041261973_1396244592_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/47981_687649034595307_1137953919_n.jpg

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/972036_687649031261974_1830851050_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/944765_687649194595291_1407008358_n.jpg

for pics leading up to  and during the event, take a looky here!
https://www.facebook.com/jennifer.wolf.3994/media_set?set=a.671552542871623.1073741829.100000506492928&type=3

Join in to T1 Radio broadcasting the event. It is the least to do to join in, if you can not make it into SL.
http://www.t1radio.com/


To read more on Relay For Life of SL...
http://rflofsl.intuitwebsites.com/

My convio page,  where you can donate to RFL  and have a way to print a receipt to  turn in along with tax stuffs so this donation is tax deductible!    My story is  on this page,   please   read,  and  remember those   lost,   and fighting today.   *hugs* 

TY for reading ,

*bug hugs and love to all*    ~Jenn o:)

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR - part 2 ...and more PC fun, lol

First off,  I'M BACK!!!!   :D       LOL

THE FACES OTHERS SEE IN THEIR OWN MIRRORS

Many are known for their faces, some so recognizable that strangers take second looks and smile to their own little accomplishment of knowing someone they never met, but recognized only by looks alone from fame or simply sharing the same times on a sidewalk commute day after day.  Many are known by their amazing things they do, extraordinary service for others, above and beyond the call of their respected duties. Those who serve in the military,  fire department, or even the police.  My Godfather was a Los Angeles police officer, I will not disclose his division.  Many things turned bad, told to me by my dad when I was little, so my knowledge is still based on my childhood perspective and comprehension. My brother got to know him better than I did, even knew him back when he was still on the force. Unfortunately, there was corruption going on deeply in the ranks of his division, and many of those who did not avert their eyes to the internal crimes, were "dealt with", targeted, threatened, and for some, well...    My God-father is a good man, I remember him as so but long ago, and I know that much only by what time I did know him he could not possibly do the bad many around him were guilty of.  He was one of the good ones in fact, even earned the Metal of Valor, yet he was still harassed,  and threatened years later when his time came to be called to testify against the guilty. He has since moved and we not heard from him in many years, but I do hope he is doing well.  

MEDIA STUFFS, INTERNAL STUFFS...    IS ALL FULLY KNOWN THESE DAYS?

The media focused on key stories that involved the corruptions in that division, but much of all that occurred, remained  hidden from main media, and so was resolved, eventually.  This mess of events, which really began long before, was before the time my family moved from L.A.   So...  people are known for their  actions, their choice to do the right thing no matter what threats go towards them. The media, mainly the parts that mention more details, mention of those who stood up for the right, those who testified,  those who faced life changing risks, those who are only known for what they did, rather than by their faces or their looks alone. My Godfather, among others,  never were mentioned by name for what they did,   which was, to believe in the  reason they were given their badges to begin with, belief in justice,  the right thing,   morality of society,  even tho that is at times hard to believe exists in this day and age with all the shootings and killings going on.

WORDS FROM ONE END IS WORTH WORDS FROM THE "OTHER" END IF NOT FILTERED THROUGH THE HEART!!!

Everyone who is known for one thing or other involving "goodness" all have one thing in common,  they have hearts. Unfortunately not all think or "speak" with or through their heart but only from the dark  areas of their mind and that only spawns bullying, and  social degradation, especially on the many online formats of communications (too many to mention).  If only  everyone could speak to each other online the same as they would if  having a face-to-face conversation, then things might be a bit different in today's online world.  Along with advocating cancer awareness,  as well as other health disorders, I also support and will be advocating more on Anti-bullying, and will continue to just be me,  being just one example of online existence that is based on living life to it's fullest, with smiles, happiness of surrounding atmosphere online and even in real life, and words of loving nature with care and passion, as well as understanding and acceptance.

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR...  WHERE SHE BEEN?!!!

Now for my reasons I been  gone for the last two months, lol.  My PC  had some hard times with an old hard drive and I just felt I had to just clean up old files and  things would be fine.  My  drives are well organized and I run  more than one hard drive in my PC, but the main hard drive  reached it's end so things went poof, along with my main rough drafts of my blog and other writing I had done.  I did manage to  access some files I needed that I really needed,  but  not everything, lol.   But, it is not the end of the world,  I did find that I copied part of my rough draft of this blog post here at least in a saved post unpublished, and so I was able to continue with it,  lol.  ...so YAY!!!


 

BIG "TY" TO CATHY AND STRETCH FOR THEIR HELP BRINGING ME BACK TO FULL ONLINE FUNCTION!!! 

I  did get a hard drive to fix my PC, and great thanks to a dear friend for that.  I can continue my work now and keep in touch with the jewels of my life's crown.  Friends are like jewels in a crown to me, and just like I am able to see the girl in the mirror that I no like to see,  some jewels I have in my life have some special "facets" that gives me a reflection of me I feel so much more comfortable with than what I do see in the mirror, I feel I am still the me I remember in the "reflection" they give me.   I would not  be able to be happy without my life's jewels/my friends,  they all are so precious to me and  they  show me that love is a great thing this world still has all around. Loving friends together sure can bring on the full balance of life no matter what the obstacles that life lies before any one of us.  Again, ty for helping me, allowing me to help others in turn!  o:')

THE GIRL IN THE WINDER,  LOL

So I must say it is so great to be back online and be slowly regaining my momentum I had before, lol.  I still am just half ways through reinstalling everything I had and use practically everyday. I did have to use Linux once again to check email, lol. Live CD is great but  I just wish it was more like Windows like I am so used to running, lol.  I will learn Linux one day and not be so lost, but for now I am so happy to have my old Windows XP 32 bit again, lol.  I  do  hope to get Win 7 64bit someday, in due time as always, lol.  I will be saving my pennies to pay Bill Gates for his awesome Winders 7 Pro 64bit!!  :D  (yes I said "winders"  LOL)

For now, I must cut this one short since I am still installing stuffs and must get back to my work in Second Life building for our team camp along the virtual Relay Track for the Relay For Life event. I will be posting  pics on Facebook, so do check when you can for updates!

Bye for now everyone, *big hugs to all*  ~Jenn  o:)